Either way, he's definitely going to be an ex-Pat


By Roland Gift of the Fine Young Cannibals

Alright guys! Hull's finest soul singer here, AKA Roland Gift ("Giftie" to my friends).

Some people have commented on how it's ironic that my name's Roland Gift, as I am so gifted, a bit like with Geoge Best being the best (after Pele). Well, all I can say is I've heard Pele trying to do a falsetto and it was fucking shit.

Back in the late 80s, me and my band The Fine Young Cannibals were major players in the pop scene; what one clever hack described on his blog as the "Proto Lighthouse Family" (no offence Tunde mate, but you could never hit my high notes, metaphorically or literally!)

Alas, tastes stupidly change and despite still being a massive hit at any 80s night, the modern era thought it had moved on.

But now we're back. But - we're still moving with the times. Time waits for no man, as I'm sure the Johnny Hates Jazz boys could tell you!

I have an incredible suggestion: one that I know is going to be amazing. It combines nostalgia and feelgood old time vibes with the ever present threat of paedophile abductions: ergo, everyone's a winner.

What I'm suggesting is taking our classic 1989 number 5 hit, "She Drives Me Crazy" and rewording it for the year 2008 (or at least 7), making it "She Drives Me Maddie", to take into account the sad and terrible case of Madeleine McCann, and her parents Kate and Jerry, who look like they could do with a good dance.

Some have said that this suggestion is crude and vulgar, but to them I say: "Fuck you".

I have already spoken to the Daily Express about giving the single away free on a Saturday, and things are looking good. I hope that you will join me in buying that issue; I know the Express is really shit but at least it keeps Diana off the front page and confined to pages 2 through 20 for just one day.

I'm counting on you, soul brother.


Because he hates pot pourri


Answer: One's a happy slapper, one's an unhappy slapper


By Heat TV Editor, Boyd Hilton

Pour yourself a big glass of wine, pop open the Pringles and get that box of hankies ready – Sunday nights will never be the same again! (Or Monday, or Tuesday, or Wednesday…). My girlfriend Jane has left me!

At first, when I heard that she was threatening to leave, I wasn’t so sure – in her own sweet, unashamedly old fashioned way, Jane had a charming naivety that seemed to suggest she’d never actually go through with it. But I guess it was inevitable – like Tim and Dawn finally getting it on in The Office.

Thinking about it, like the heart warming love between Adam and Rachel in Cold Feet, we were a couple on an emotional roller coaster – sharing those giddy highs and tear jerking lows, as we learned to live and love in the 21st century. However, just like Will and Grace, we often spent our time bickering, in ice cool asides that were as sharp as the crease on Beckham’s Farah strides (?). Little did I know that it all spelt disaster!

And now she’s left me! It’s as depressing as one of those documentaries about Palestine on a Sunday night on 4 (Boo! Sunday evenings are all about escapist dramas set in sleepy northern villages full of charmingly slow men getting sweaty upper lips over unrealistic young nurses!)

No more will I have a sounding board for my unique reviews on the television of today. Who will hear me wax lyrical about why the latest series of The Apprentice is just the yummiest must-see event of 2008? Who will help me try and settle the ultimate debate once and for all – Doctor Who or Britain's Got Talent on a Saturday night? Who will approve my latest verbal wank over the utterly scrumptious pairing of moody Phil and sexy Kirstie in Location x 3 (as I like to call it)?

And what about the sex? Getting a "spit & polish" off Jane on a Friday night was the second best moment of the week (Well, Desperate Housewives is back!). And as I writhed away on top of her, huffing and puffing, I also got the most exercise I’ve ever had. Now what will I do?

I’ll probably just have a wank, come to think of it. And what’s more, I’ll have even more time to watch the best telly of the week – from Graham Norton’s deliciously bitchy one liners on I'll Do Anything to the impossibly hot Dirty Sexy Money, not to mention the brilliantly voyeuristic Embarassing Bodies.

Maybe life won’t be so bad after all.


Sorry, I tried my best.


Except for Noel Edmonds back in the 80s. He loved "death obeying" stunts on his show.


Butcher's death not in vain

It has been over seven years to the day since the body of 31-year old butcher Stuart Lubbock was found dead in the swimming pool of Michael Barrymore’s sprawling Essex mansion.

The fallout of the event has been severe, seeing one of Britain’s previously best loved entertainers exiled from our screens, forced to go on a very public road to forgiveness that seems far from over – if ever.

But in all the fuss surrounding the case, didn’t we all forget the person who really mattered? After all, it was young Lubbock who was found dead in a swimming pool, with severe anal injuries, not Barrymore, who is still alive (though possibly with severe anal injuries).

Despite being the one who lost his life so tragically, we hardly even talk about him anymore, indeed many can’t even remember the young lad’s name. All that is about to change, however, when the British meat industry launches their special Lubbock burger, in honour of their most famous son.

Speaking about the burger, Mark Cutlet from the British Meatpackers Association told us "For too long that Barrymore has stolen the headlines from poor Stuart. For God’s sake, if you’re going to be viciously bummed, the least you can hope for is your name to become synonymous with violent sodomy. But for Stuart, that never happened. It will now.

This delicious tender hamburger is 100% prime beef, with a hole ripped in the middle, revealing bloody shards of red meat, all smothered with a creamy, cheesy sauce. It perfectly represents the state of Stuart’s asshole by about 2 am. It’s kind of like a beef donut, really."

Cutlet recommends: "Have a pool party and get stuck into Stuart’s meat. Don’t let his anal torment have been for nothing".

The Lubbock burger will be on sale from Monday, and sales are expected to be strong.


Even an octagenarian pathologist can suffer from yuppie flu!


Watch out! The feared gossip hound's about!

Tom Selleck is sick of only ever being remembered for his role in Magnum. "What about all my charity work?" he moaned.

Popular pathologist Quincy ME is sure that something fishy is going on with his latest case, perhaps involving local bureacracy. "I'd stake my reputation on it!" he angrily shouted.

Warrington murder victim Garry Newlove is enjoying his time in heaven. "I can watch any movie anytime I want" he said.

Ian Huntley is a massive fan of short-lived 80s US sitcom Phenom, about a tennis prodigy. "She's lovely" he said.


Welcome to the worst festival line-up of all time, this May Bank Holiday Weekend, live from New Malden roundabout


Then Jericho * Dr Alban * The Editors * Shampoo (Reunion gig) * Rednex * Madonna * David Blunkett (Comedy set) * Saxon * Northern Uproar * Afroman * Doctor Fox (DJ Set) * Justin Hawkins * Savage Garden * Tunde (Lighthouse Family) * And many more...


Answer: One is an honourable black man, one is Honor Blackman


All the results from the weekend's fixtures

Nazis Are Bad 2, No They're Not 0

Smash the Fascists 0, Billy Bragg United 1

Hitler Was Bad 1, Goebbels Was Too 1

Auschwitz Must Never Happen Again 2, Fuck David Irving 1

Anti-Nazi FC 3, Does That Include Mussolini? 1

Crystalnacht Stinks! vs Adolf HATEler abandoned due to waterlogged pitch


Stammer Time!


By WWE referee "Big" Bob Sager

I really hope that right now, while I devote all of my attention to the wrestler lying on the mat in front of me, imploring me with all his heart that I should look behind me because some kind of incident is going on, I really hope that this is just some kind of ruse to make me look foolish if I heed his words and do indeed turn and look.

I would really hate to look stupid, you see. At school, I was always seen as dumb, and laughed at in class. But the truth that no-one realised is that I was (and am) infact dyslexic, so it wasn't my fault. Indeed, I am a keen reader of weekend supplements and something of an intellectual. The memory of my cheek's burning in shame as my English lit essay was cruelly read out and laughed at by the entire class has meant that in adult life I go out of my way not to look stupid.

I'm not sure if that's what drove me to become a WWE referee, but it helps that I find these wrestlers generally so kind and honorable that I never worry about them trying to humiliate me.

Nevertheless, there are a few bad apples in the bunch, men like Dementor and Black Knight, who seem almost cartoonishly evil and hellbent on the destruction of all that's good.

Despite all that, and despite the 100,000 strong crowd all imporing me to look behind me, I will just hope that I'm right to keep looking this way and telling this noble wrestler off for illegally entering the ring, and in no way worry about the two evil wrestlers and their evil manager and one injured good wrestler behind me, not to mention all those folded steel chairs everyone seems to leave lying around.

I'm sure it will be fine.


The Site Where You Can Leave Your Tributes to Fallen Celebrity Street Soldiers

Arthur C Clarke, Author

i miss u so much...every wun is missin u itz not da same wit out u ere itz nt even da same around da endz anymre....i reali miss u but am glad ur inna better place nw god will take care of u bbz...luv u bre xxxxxxx

Brattie, Kent

I saw a person walking he looked jus lyk u,
Ppl tld me i was tewpid i was lyk rahh its tru
But then i had a dream lol da dream was bwt u 2
I kinda clokd it was a syn i fink syn frm u boo
Althou we kannot c u n mayb hear ur voice
Bt u here wif us 24/7 n every single choice
Its kinda crazy 2 fink bby boii u neva kummin bk
Cummon sense 2 stop da killin dat iz wot we all lack
So i noe ur death was realli sad bt it made me change azwell
Coz now i noe ma path in life to help me stop not go 2
I learnt bwt da killin, da gangz n all dat shit
I learnt 2 b a propa tru bredrin n stop da neeky shit
U tought me stuff wen ur alive n now wen ur dead too
Nd to me itz kinda crazy styll bt dats ow i noe ur tru
Ur helpin ppl az a angel, 4 sure ur goin lyk a gS
o gwan boi gwan bt noe i styl miss u arthur c xxxxx

Claire, Manchester

Charlton Heston, Actor

Oh muy daiz Charlie! U are truly missed by alla us. We aint gonna 4get ya and u rawlie no that. aniways thay say weve lost a solja and gained an angel and eye bleve that every second of the day. So im gonna finish off by sayin eye will always miss u and ure in our forts all the time. r.i.p nuff love alla tha way sooouufff soljaaa xxxx

Sarena, Birmigham

hey bby i miss u so much i neva wanted u 2 leave u knew i loved u and u tld me u loved me 2 wat kills it is dat i still got ur mobile numba on ma fone saved as ma hubby and still u had ma numba saved as wifey innit b i lov u and will neva 4 get u and 4 hooeva killed charlie burn in hell fire where ure supposed 2 be fam u dik u will pay 4 wat u have done i mean y u gonna kill som 1 dat is realli spershel 2 me if i knew u qwho killed billy u know wat i wud do i wud probably feel like killin u ma self i mean y u gonna kill a boi whoos got a life 2 live use lot are jus sad dats y u shot him coz u dont have a fukin heart its probably jus a big blak hole inside u

Steve, Falkirk

Jeremy Beadle, Prankster

R.i.p 2 my baby boi hu was always der wen i was upset nd fuck dat person hus chatin shit coz u myt b nxt fing lyk dis ent no game R.I.P

Kanal, Streatham

lol Beadle man look at u girls stil fighting over you, u stud! see all dem times i used to take da piss n its tru! ...i remeber our deep convos bout ur girls n my boy n all dem times u told me t b careful and stuf...all dem times we used t listen t music n tlk n u used t sing one wish n i used t take the piss outa ur voice remember? n allll the times we took da piss outa each ofr n d times wen lizzie had t clmb over us in da car so tht we cud both listen t my ipod at da same time....n dat time dat woman crashed into mums car n u cudnt stop laughing....n wen we used t run for the bus at seven sisters proper erly morning....n those sneeky fags we used t have wen we rele shudnt have!! i remeber wen u wer younger giving me grief bout how smoking is bad n then how everything changed so quickly and suddenly everything that was bad was normal........i wish we didnt have to grow up...i wish we could have stayed young forever n then all this could have been avoided....ther aint a day tht i dont think of you babyi love you always don't forget all the good times yeh? take care bro xmelx

Melanie, Derby

Mark Speight, Presenter

hol tite i dint kno him but wat eva he did he dint deserve dat. God bless

Petey J, Guildford


Alan, Chippenham


A special poetic tribute to George "Bestie" Best; Simply the Best

Little beggar boy,

You tinker's son,

You left us sorrow,

Brought us fun.

Your life, your smile,

Your happy hair,

You kicked a football,

Made us care.

At Man United,

You did us proud,

Scored many a goal,

Name sung aloud.

But then it all got a bit too much;

You missed your dear old mother's touch.

You binged yourself on the wine of life,

Embarassed yourself, slapped the wife.

You pissed your pants on white wine spritzers,

And tried to steal booze from local Bar mitzvahs (I imagine)