He doesn't want to get it pregnant
Hilarious West Country funny man Justin "JLC" Lee Collins tries to reunite the horrible disease from the past for a party at the Hilton in London.
Coming soon: Bring back hanging
Former Word presenter and professional Mancunian Terry Christian is sadly gripped by an aggressive strain of a sexually transmitted blood disease.
By David Gannon, the man who finds the music for ITV1's Heartbeat
I love my job finding 60s music to accompany the onscreen action on Heartbeat. The simple guiding principle that the lyrics of the song must always describe the events unfolding as literally as humanly possible is one that has inspired me onto greater and greater literal heights, culminating in my career defining moment of glory in 2005, when onscreen a ne'erdowell young hippy type stole an apple from a tree, accompanied by the little known Herman's Hermits B-side, "Who's that hippy scrumping apples from my tree?".
But now sadly in an attempt to boost ailing ratings, the powers that be have decided upon a hard hitting rape storyline featuring little Alice Mulligan, and muggins here was charged with finding the music to accompany the harrowing scene.
However, for the first time in my 17 year career, I'm stumped. I can't find any Merseybeat or skiffle hit featuring lyrics about a sex assault, and I'm even considering using Danny and the Doves' classic hit "I've been attacked", which isn't really satisfactory for a number of reasons, not least the incorrect tense used. Alice is being attacked, she's not telling someone about it later as the song suggests (God is in the details!).
It's a bit of a pain, but I might still find something. I'm just standing here, not knowing what to do, which would look even better if Gerry and the Pacemakers' "Just standing here, not knowing what to do" was playing over the top.
This winter on BBC Two, the nation will decide the ultimate question - who is Britain's favourite practicing homosexual, whether alive or dead?
The familiar format features popular faces advocating the great gays they believe deserve your vote, in short, punchy films. Every episode will eliminate three gays down to one by public vote. The winners will proudly enter the grand final, where six legendary homosexuals face off for the public's vote.
With Neil Morrissey proposing Kenneth Williams, Jeremy Paxman advocating Oscar Wilde and Stephen Fry suggesting himself, it's all to play for, and early bookie's favourites include Elton John and Will Young.
The programme has not been without controversy, however, with George Michael himself starting a Facebook protest group at his controversial exclusion, while Michael Barrymore's inclusion has concerned some.
Elsewhere, sole lesbian nominee Sandi Toksvig has complained about the lack of lesbian faces. "What about Clare Balding?", she moaned.
Ever wondered which curry you most resemble? Camp actor Tim, controversial politician Edwina (Currie, to be fair), high street giant Currys or popular Asian dish, the curry?
Well, take our test and find out!
1. What phrase best describes you?
A. Fuck Olivier! Let's act the shit out of this thing!
B. British eggs are bad. Or could be.
C. 20% off all HD ready TVs - this weekend only.
D. I'm a hot and spicy dish from India.
You get the picture
Madonna has ordered a £200 takeaway curry to help get over her split from Guy Ritchie
- Lima is the capital of Peru
- Einstein declined the presidency of the state of Israel when it was offered to him in 1952 by state leaders
- The Miami Dade area is the fifth largest conurbation in the USA
- George Harrison was the youngest Beatle, but is now dead.
Like Rambo or something
The smuggest men in the world slug it out at last!
On Saturday October 25th, at the world famous Madison Square Garden, it's the ultimate battle of the titans. Facing off on the dream ticket fans have dreamed about for years, all time legends of smugness Alan Yentob and Salman Rushdie will do battle to settle once and for all the question on a generation's lips: Who looks the most incredibly pleased with themselves for no reason, like they just did a nasty fart and expect applause?
With an undercard of closely fought smug-offs featuring a mixed sex youth battle between Fearne Cotton and Nick Grimshaw for smug cunt bragging rights, and the highly anticipated "Battle of Bolton / Kay" clash between Vernon Kay and Peter Kay, this is not to be missed!
Order Smug Wars now! Just £19.95 on Sky Box Office
It just won't stop
Bruce Springsteen: "Run"
Steppenwolf: "Be wild"
Britney Spears: "Make you happy"
Craig David: "Do it"
Joseph Fritzl: "Rape"
Roll up! Roll up! Come poke the freak with a stick!