That much we know for certain.
But if it was ever somehow revealed that he infact was, here is how The Sun might re-interpret some of his biggest film hits:
Cocktail = Cock Tale
Top Gun = Top Bum
Days of Thunder = Gays of Thunder
Rain Man = (It's) Rain(ing) Men
Born on the Fourth of July = Gay Porn on the Fourth of July
Far and Away = Far and a Gay
Eyes Wide Shut = Arse Wide Open
A Few Good Men & The Firm are good to go.
There's a looming crisis for popular culture in 2009, due to the dwindling supplies of 1980s pop culture to rehash, re-release, re-boot, re-imagine and generally relive.
At the current rate of cultural renewal of the films, TV, music and fashion of the once derided decade, the cupboard will be totally bare by 2013. Things are already getting so bad that a live action movie based on the Rubiks Cube and a bold rebooting of the Cosby Show franchise are in development.
This gap could and possibly will be filled by re-imagining the 90s in a similar way, with darker new versions of such classics as Broken Arrow, Timecop and Fire Down Below, or alternatively by remaking the 1980s classics for a second time.
However, scientists and Hollywood bosses think that they may have come up with a better solution - a new time machine that will allow people to travel back to 1985 and insert an extra two years into the mid 80s, to allow for the decade's midway glut of durable hits to be extended out for maximum impact.
For example, the introduction of 1985 part 2 & 1985 part 3 ("Hollywood loves sequels", one film exec quipped) will allow for as many as 30 new cult movie favourites to be released, for later re-evaluation.
The belief is that when 1986 finally arrives, culture will just pick back up where it was, with fondly remembered favourites such as Top Gun, Crocodile Dundee and Aliens. What could go wrong?
It has been revealed that popular actor Ricardo Montalban, star of such hit as Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan, who passed away recently, was not a fan of US talk show host Montel Williams, dubbing him "arrogant" and "ignorant".
Infact, he disliked him so much, he banned the show from ever being shown in his house.
That planet really hurt me; but I'm finally ready to move on.
Looks like a Transformer
It's a Hart / heart attack
I thought it had gone too damned quiet out there.
More Heartbeat fun: http://darkbeige.blogspot.com/2008/10/i-cant-find-upbeat-60s-song-about-rape.html
Think you know Declan Donnelly? You don't know nothing!
Here are ten little known facts about the lovable Geordie...
1. Dec is not actually small at all - he's a towering seven foot two. But he's so conscious about his height that he chooses to carefully stoop when on screen. Dec is so talented at this secretive stooping that people actually refer to him as small.
2. Dec rarely actually meets Ant - the two were merely put together by a clever TV producer, who realised the two boys looked good together on screen. However, a row about football early in their career left the pair bitter enemies, vowing to never be in the same room again. So they now stick to an elaborate schedule that allows one to leave the room before the other arrives, even when the pair are engaging in on-screen banter.
3. Dec is an exceptionally talented archer and once represented Newcastle at the Stuttgart youth games, but was disqualified for wearing the wrong footwear.
4. Dec isn't sure if God exists, but reckons he might.
5. His favourite film is mid-90s Sandra Bullock weepy While You Were Sleeping. "Something about that movie just gets to me, man", he told me.
6. Dec is a massive star in Sierra Leone, where he has become something of an underground folk hero. "I'm kind of half man, half myth over there, man" he said.
7. Dec liked his Madam Tussauds waxwork so much, he bought it! Then, he destroyed it.
8. Despite first being seen in Byker Grove, Dec is a notoriously poor cyclist! "Aye but come on, I'm canny at football and archery", he defended.
9. Ant & Dead! Dec sadly died in an accident in 2006, but then discovered that his ITV contract wouldn't allow it, so had to come back to life.
10. Dec is in favour of the London congestion charge. "It makes good sense, man" he said.
"At the start of the race, I was winning, which was good. But then at the end of the race, I lost, which was bad"
Les Dennis has been cast as a middle aged Roger Moore, in a biopic of his life.
By Mitch Winehouse, to daughter Amy
Sadly I've had to come out to St Lucia to make sure you're alright. Some of the reports and pictures from the papers back home had me a little worried. Now I'm here I can see that the sun and sea is doing you good, but there's still too many distractions. And besides, I don't really like Caribbean food.
I reckon that we- I mean you, you should think about going somewhere else to continue your rehabilitation break. Have you thought about Buenos Aires? I've heard it's a lovely, vibrant city, that could be just right for you right now.
Steaks, women and salsa...what a combination. One I've always dreamt about...you experiencing. And the whores, I've heard you can get a supermodel for less than a Subway meatball sandwich back home in Southgate.
So, anyway, maybe you should go out there, while I return to Britain and get on with my life of driving cabs and giving media interviews.
But if you should ever need me, perhaps because you've fallen off the wagon yet again, you know where I am. I can be packed and on a plane to Argentina in less than an hour. Call me.
Roly poly comic ruins country's economy in one short trip
Hot on the heels of the news that lovable chunky comic James Corden has almost single-handedly caused the closure of his local bakery and Chinese takeaway in Beaconsfield, Buckinghamshire, the fat star has now been blamed by senior African commentators for causing Zimbabwe's economic ruin.
Corden caused the closure of the Buckinghamshire local businesses by moving to London. But his Zimbabwe-based blame is due to his touching down in the capital Harare for a 48 hour charity trip to promote dyslexia in June 2008, when the star spent so much UK-earned dosh on donuts, chocs, crisps and snacks (and sweets) in his two day stay that he artificially inflated the entire country's economy; so much so that banks mistakenly believed all their nation's financial woes had ended, and started to offer loans and mortgages willy nilly, with disastrous results.
President Robert Mugabe felt very conflicted by the Corden affair; on the one hand he wanted to hold up the talented porker as yet another example of British interference, but on the other, he would have to first acknowledge that their was any problem.
(A James Corden fansite!?)
* AKA Cassingle
Gobby pop princess Lily Allen has admitted that she once drunkenly started World War II for a laugh, while giving Elvis Presley a blowjob.
She told Radio DJ Chris Moyles that the incident occured one crazy night in her early teens when she still attended an exclusive boarding school.
The wild claim is the latest in a long line of spontaneous, off the cuff outbursts that have coincided with the release of her new single and album.
1. Burning books
Update: Beat the Sun to this: http://sunheadlines.blogspot.com/2009/01/23rd-january-2008-wossy-im-weally-sowwy.html
On Celebrity Big Brother, Terry Christian said that Tommy Sheridan shouldn't criticise Michelle Heaton, because that was like "criticising all the fucking thick types who vote on shows like this".
By Richard Blackwood
They used to call me the British Will Smith.
Before that, I was the British Eddie Murphy.
If I had been born earlier than I was, I would have been the British Richard Pryor.
By actor Simon Rouse, who plays DCI Jack Meadows in The Bill
You bloody better not have been! Or you'll be for the high jump, mark my words. Nobody bullies my daughter and gets away with it!