Top comedians Adam Sandler and Russell Brand have started dating, instantly becoming Hollywood's hottest couple. The pair's off-screen "bromance" has raised eyebrows and penises across Tinseltown, and already a Hollywood biopic starring Will Ferrell and Steve Carrell has been announced, directed by Judd Apatow.
The pissed off man of the people, getting angry about Brown's Britain on your behalf
I don't know about you, but I'm sick of the way this country's going. The land of Shakespeare, Bergerac and Greene King IPA has been reduced to the sick man of Europe and the laughing stock of the world, held down by barmy town council bureaucrats and buggered senseless by Brown and Darling's mismanagement of the economy.
You can't even go out to the local pub for a pint of ale without wading through pools of recently spewed dole scum vomit, and have to put your fingers in your ears to drown out the harrowing din caused by a lethal cocktail of expletive strewn excrement bellowed by burly shaved headed thugs, tinny terrible 'rap' music played loudly on mobile phones by aggressive urban types, and the wailing of semi-feral babies, neglected by their 15 year old parents, who are too busy downing lurid multicoloured alcoholic drinks and fellating dockers to care.
And who do I blame? One man: Gordon Brown. It's all his fault.
And Alastair Darling, of course. Mandelson, too. Prescott, he was probably involved too, and that fucking David Milliband with his stupid duck hair.
Who else? Jonathan Ross, probably. Russell Brand, definitely. Robert Mugabe? Not sure.
And that bloody Elton John.
"We're going to research this disease and release a book about it in 10 to 15 years time"
Wednesday 29th April, 6.33pm
Not so sure about Kirsty McBain now. I was looking at her today in class, we sat in our normal seats because we're just taking it slow. I sit to the right side with Randy and Jake, while she's front left with that ugly ass Donna Hairn. So I could get a good 'left ear and cheek' view, with occasional flashes of full face.
Well, I'm ambiguous about the whole thing now. At first I was looking at her and thinking she looked kinda hot, maybe like a slightly fuller Reese Witherspoon. But then I started to notice how her chin juts out a little at the front, and she looks forward in a really goofy way, like she's a little retarded. Even her ear was annoying me. It looks like Willem Dafoe. The whole experience was not good, and I normally like history. Well, not totally hate it.
Back to the drawing board. I'm still young, healthy. There's still time for me.
Isn't there? Please? God?
Shit. It's over for me.
No it's not, you ass.
"Phwoar! I'll rub on your 'oinkment' etc"
"Just when I thought my luck couldn't get any worse"
We don't even eat pigs
Jack Nicholson has been advised to stay indoors at his LA mansion until the swine flu pandemic is over
Monday 27th April, 6.13pm
Totally I finally joined Twitter. I still think it might be kinda gay, but I'm sick of being left out of Jake and Randy's little in-jokes. Besides, I reckon chicks dig it. Follow me if you're as lame as everyone else out there; like those million assholes who follow Ashton Kutcher. Apparently people are often just sitting at home and think to themselves "what does that asshole from The Butterfly Effect think about social injustices?". And they can actually find out.
Friday April 24th, 11.57pm
Man, I think I'm finally over Lisa Hames. And totally under Kirsty McBain, if you know what I'm saying. Not literally, not yet. Gotta say though, that would not suck. Or maybe would, if you know what I'm saying. I'm not being rude or nothing. But I'd like to, if you know what I'm saying.
Enough of these lame innuendos, I'm kinda drunk, but basically, I'm in love. She's in my history class but I never really noticed her before, not until she started talking to me tonight, which is kind of a crazy coincidence. She's kinda pretty. Kinda.
We walked home from the Ezeefreeze and she took my cell number. I'm so stoked I don't even mind that some ass clown sent me some anonymous message calling me an asshole on MySpace.
I think they're like a cyberbully or something. But that just sounds lame. Like some asshole who tries to actually bully a computer. "Do not process any more data or I'll stick my dick in your hard drive".
That sounded gayer than I'd hoped, (I'm drunk), which is cool as I was actually being the cyberbully. I rule.
"If you release your album before I release my book, I'll pay you £100"
"When the guard's back is turned I'm gonna roar like a lion and fool him that one is on the loose in the prison. Then in the confusion I'll knock him out and take his keys and fly out of the prison in a special helicopter I've made out of loo roll and cigarettes"
Thursday 23rd April, 7.14pm
School wasn't so bad today. That ass Mr Bronson was away so geography was cancelled. He hasn't been in yet this term, and the rumour is, he's got AIDS. A rumour started by Randy.
I ain't buying it. Mr Bronson is way too boring to be having sex with anyone, gay, straight, animal or whatever. And don't give me none of that sharing needles shit, either. Can you imagine Mr Bronson getting high? I bet he doesn't even eat cholesterol, the great big asshole.
Anyways, I've been thinking about a few things in life that piss me off and get an epic fail:
In that lame Destiny's Child track Survivor that chicks are always digging, Beyonce promises that "I'm not going to diss you on the internet", because, and I quote, "my mama taught me better than that". Now, not being funny or nothing, but WHEN did her mom teach her this noble moral lesson? When she was a little kid? How did her mom even know about the internet? Was she some kind of IT pioneer who was there at its birth? Or did she travel back and forward through time to ensure that this lesson from the future could be learned in the past, like a gay terminator?
Or maybe she just had a hunch about the whole thing. "If one day, someone should invent some kind of technology that allows people to communicate through computers on some kind of, I don't know, 'world wide web', please don't be tempted to use this amazing technology just to spread lies and insults about your former friends turned rivals". The whole thing just smells fishy to me.
How come celebrities like Angelina Jolie and Madonna are always trying to buy more babies from Asia and Africa? And when is one of THEIR celebrities gonna try to buy one of ours in revenge? Those Bollywood assholes must have money. They should adopt some kid called Kevin from Cincinnati, or something. Then what would people say?
How come when Harrison Ford marries a woman over 30 years younger, it's cool, but when my uncle Ron was caught with that girl in Seattle, everyone went nuts? Hypocrites. Ron is like, ancient. He's at least 40, so it should be cool. But no, because he never starred in Hollywood Homicide, it's all "off to jail for you, Ron".
Who is this Lady GaGa? Where did she come from? Did they invent her in a factory of total ass? She looks like one of those old mannequins you'd find in a dumper, with fire damage. And yet she's at number one in the charts, and I'm sitting here in my room writing this.
How come if you act like an asshole like 99% of the time, but are all sweet and nice the other 1%, chicks will dig you and say "ah, he's a sweetie really, he's not so bad" and end up wanting to bone, whereas if you're just that nice guy who's not an asshole and is cool all the time, they'll call you boring? But then if you do try to act like an asshole, they'll say that they didn't know the real you, and now they do, they don't like it? It makes me angry.
TV search to find actress to play Jade in musical?
"We are indeed the water board for the south east of England"
Monday 20th April, 2008Today was back to school, and it sucked harder than Lynsey Lohan at an MTV Awards after party. Sorry, I've been watching too much E! network. Anyways, it was lame being back. I had double math where Mr Bogermill was making no sense, and then in history I got into an argument with Michael Ogen who was being like, a TOTAL ASSHOLE.
He tried to mock me for my slight, uneventful slip at the door of the classroom, when I stumbled very slightly on some friggin ice cream. What asshole brings an ice cream to history? "Oh yum, this pistachio will go down great with some founding fathers and sprinkles". Butt monkey.
It was a total non-incident, totally. Like, no one hardly laughed at first. But that ass clown Ogen was all up in my face, going like "Menerhauer's had a little slip! Watch how you go there, Menerhauer", which was really pissing me off. I told him to go and wipe his face on my ass, and I gave him like, this angry stare, which I actually thought was going to shut him up, but then he goes and says "Why are you staring at me like that, Menerhauer?" and starts calling me Eric Menerstare and Eric Menerglower, and most annoyingly, even starts talking about Eric's Men-er-shower, which he described as some kind of bathroom where I pay men to come and wash themselves and bone me.
I can't believe I was actually having the shit ripped out of my name by a guy called Michael Ogen. Well, let's just say someone suddenly became MIchael Onan. Just leave it at that. But that jerkwad had still ruined my whole day, and hearing that that bitch Lisa Hames went to watch 17 Again with some older guy at the weekend did NOT help.
I should be pleased, really. I mean, I could never love a girl who didn't hate Zac Efron.
"I'm not ill, I'm just tired like Mat Horne"