The star of Big Brother 7 answers all your queries, through the medium of her column in OK!
Dear Nikki, where do you stand on euthanasia?
I don't want to take sides because I like them both but Peter Andre seems to be winning the popularity war with Jordan. I think Jordan has slightly fallen from grace with her topless sunbathing pictures and maybe she was hasty in having Peter's belongings removed from their home. Perhaps she's trying to save face after he left her. I still think they could get back together - it may take a long time, but it's worth saving.
Dear Nikki, should I invest my money in wine or art?
T4's Steve Jones and Heroes star Hayden Panettiere are supposedly dating and they make a gorgeous couple! Sadly, I don't think it will last as none of Steve's relationships ever do and they would also have to deal with a long-distance relationship. I give it until the summer. I think he had the perfect girl in Fearne Cotton. Steve is very charming and funny, though, so I can totally see why any girl would fall at his feet.
Dear Nikki, how do we best tackle knife crime in Britain?
I love Miley Cyrus and I can't believe some people have been mean enough to call her fat online. That's a disgraceful thing to do. She really is not fat at all - Miley has a lovely curvy figure and is a great role model for young girls. She is hugely popular and has an enormous fan following. Anyone who criticises her is clearly just jealous of her success!
Dear Nikki, who are you and why are you still in the public eye?
A story was written last week saying I was a bad influence on Natalie Cassidy, because of my previous battle with Anorexia. I'd just like to say this is rubbish and Natalie herself has assured me I'm one of her best friends - so please don't believe everything you read!
Friday 26th June, 2.19pm
So, Michael Jackson is dead. I can't really believe it. Not because I was a huge fan or nothing, not one of those freaks who wears one glove and looks like a future paedophile. It's just that he was actually famous. He was famous when I was born, and even way before that too. And I've been alive for what feels like way too long already. At least he never starred in some crummy VH1 show about going to rehab or picking a wife from 20 sluts or living in a condo in Palm Beach and banging chicks and being an asshole. I think Randy said it best (for once) when he called Michael Jackson 'a talented pederast'. See you later, big guy. Hopefully there's some kids up there in heaven for you to look at and hang out with and shit. Just kidding.
As for Farah Fawcett, all I can say is, I looked up your imdb page, and I had never seen or heard of anything you did, besides Charlie's Angels (the original, not the lame remake). I don't know why I addressed that last sentence directly to her, I guess maybe she could be reading this in heaven. But anyway, I find that 70s look very boneable, so rest in peace. Enjoy yourself up there, and look after Michael Jackson. Like maybe they're two nerds partnered up on their first day of heaven. Got to make sure they don't get bullied by Elvis or something. Actually, I could easily sell that lameass idea to Jack Black.
Other stuff: Holidays still cool, getting away with doing nothing all the time, mainly by pretending to go out and look for jobs, but just hanging around the park or Jake's house and doing nothing. Like, nothing at all man. I like doing nothing, just hanging out and watching TV and eating and stuff. I guess one day I'll just suddenly stop wanting to do nothing, and get some ambition and want to do something. I think that thing just happens suddenly, you know? Like beards.
Paul Jones' brother Trevor says that he can get some X (the gay term everyone uses for ecstasy, which still sounds kinda faggy). Jake tried it once and said it was awesome. I've never tried it, and I'm not sure if I should. Apparently it makes chick wanna bone though, so don't count it out just yet.
"Don’t you wanna come with me? Don’t you wanna feel my bones?", Brandon Flowers of the Killers sings. No thanks, I don't, you Mormon ass. Randy always sings "Don't you wanna feel my boner?", at everyone, even my eleven year old sister Tina. Creepy. That's why I need the card.
There were shrieks of amazement. And then an uncomfortable silence. Probably not the reaction Kate Silverton was hoping for when she let it slip on air that she had size nine feet.
Miss Silverton piped in: I’m a nine, consider yourself lucky.’
Breakfast co-host Bill Turnbull did his best to ease his colleague’s embarrassment, explaining: ‘She’s very tall.’
In the future, such sizes could become the norm. The average female foot size has been growing gradually for the best part of a century. At the beginning of the 20th Century the average was a two and by the 1940s women were strapping on a three and a half.
By Jeff Goldblum
Hi, everyone! I'm pleased to report that I'm not dead! No need to call for a HOLY MAN, I'll live to celebrate another INDEPENDENCE DAY. Some people seemed to have a DEATH WISH about me, which is mean. But as my agent told me, WELCOME TO HOLLYWOOD. People always want to assume the worst, and when they heard about Farrah Fawcett and Michael Jackson, they desperately looked around for others to be ONE OF THE HOLLYWOOD TEN. But you don't want to believe that CHAIN OF FOOLS. All I can say is, THANK GOD ITS FRIDAY, as after all the stress I need the weekend to recover. I even feel like snorting some POWDER, and just enjoying THE BIG CHILL with some smoke and some Morcheeba albums. That could easily last NINE MONTHS. Yep, just lie down under a comfy duvet, a real DEEP COVER. Maybe order in some prostitutes from all over the world, everyone knows EARTH GIRLS ARE EASY.
My vacation is already beginning to suck a little because of mom and that total boner dad's insistence that I have to get a job. So far, so last week, except now mom's gone and stuck her stupid nose in and started looking around for jobs for me herself! That no-good do-gooder. Worse of all, she seems to actually be having some luck, and some asshole at the Office World outlet store said to "pop in" and have a chat with him.
"Pop in"? That's so gay on its own that I already want to puke, like what am I gonna do, just body pop over there and just arrive in this ass wipe's face? Strike 2 is this guy's name - Derek Eisenhower. What a loser! He sounds like he was born to sell ink cartridges for a living, which he probably was. You'd never see a bad ass with a name like Pat Malone doing a lame job like "ASSistant retail manager, Office World, Dayton Metro Area". Third and final strike is Office World itself. I actually went there once with this kid I used to know, Sam Ditton, to get his mom some supplies and shit, and I remember being kinda excited about all the different pens and books and stuff on sale, but I was only about 12 at the time, and you know how all that stuff still seems important at that age. Also, Sam Ditton's mom was hot, much hotter than Randy's mom could ever dream of being. But they moved to Buffalo, and that's another story. She's probably old and haggard now, it's been like, 4 years.
Later that night I said I was cycling over to Jake's for a while, but actually I cycled back out to that restaurant to see Betty again. I wanted to apologise, and then see if maybe she'd forgive me and we'd end up boning. That sort of shit always happens in teen movies. When I got there I saw her out the back, sitting on a ledge and having a break, and I really wanted to go over and talk to her. But I don't know, somehow the moment had just gone, man. So I cycled away and never saw her again (it's only been 16 hours, to be fair).