My wife left me, now I can sit around in my pants all day. So who's the REAL loser? Me (sob).
"When we reach for the summit, we all get summat" - Ian Huntley
Russell Crowe became a real life Robin Hood while filming the new movie in the UK: http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/berkshire/8173765.stm. Now the actor has started to mimic all his most famous roles in real life, around southern England:
* Bursting in on a man suspected of domestic abuse and beating him senseless at Wood Green police station (LA Confidential)
* Solving complex maths puzzles in a Kent classroom (A Beautiful Mind)
* Pushing a ship and crew of Weymouth pensioners to their limits in pursuit of a formidable French war vessel around South America (Master & Commander)
* Fighting chavs to the death in a bare knuckle fight in Neasden (Gladiator)
* And erm, killing people in a virtual reality world in New Malden, Surrey (Virtuosity)
What is a wife? Someone who you spend the rest of your life with, who loves and supports you? No, someone who sleeps with your brother Carlton.
A blackjack gambler always has to choose between evens and odds. When I was dating, I always had to choose between Stevens and Todds.
Women go through the menopuase. But it's men who never pause to think. That their wife might be cheating on them. With their own brother, Carlton.
After hours of intensive reworking, the just added tattoo will say "PRICK".
The 15 year old British Olympic hopeful and world diving champion chats to us about some of his favourite things:
Favourite Movie: Hmm, tough one. It's got to be a toss up between Wizard of Oz (Love Judy Garland) or My Beautiful Launderette.
Favourite Song: I love Gloria Gaynor's I Will Survive. It really inspired me when I was being bullied and called "Dive boy" at my last school.
Dream Holiday: I'd love to go to Sitges this summer, when I get a break.
Dream Date: Definitely the Queen, or Kylie. She's fierce. I'd love to talk to her about her outfits, and make up.
I thought my wife was as American as a burger and fries. But she served me a burger and lies. With onion flings.
If Jack Tweed was on Twitter (please no): "got pictured wiv anover bird. NOT my fault, was always thinking of my Jade when I fingered her"
When your wife sleeps with your brother, there's nothing to say. Except that sometimes the ones we love most make us love to hate love.
Is it racist to have once got Morgan Freeman and Denzel Washington mixed up? I hope not.
The Pope may just have to shit in the woods, but a bear can NEVER be a Catholic.
A woman is like a beautiful candle. But the secret to it's flame is that it needs to be blowed on regularly, to stoke the flames. Todd understands this.
God bless America, and God bless my son Brantley. He's got soccer today.
Appearing today on GMTV, Katie Price AKA Jordan has now revealed the hidden side to Peter Andre that she says many naive fans have totally missed - his possible close links to the Al Qaeda network, and general terrorist tendencies.
"I was always overhearing him on the phone, talking in a funny foreign language", Price revealed. "He said he was just on the phone to his parents back in Cyprus, but I'm not so sure. For all I know, he could have been talking to Bin Laden about some kind of cross between the 7/7 and 9/11 bombings - the 7/11 attacks."
Prompted by Ben Shepherd, Price continued: "And he had a funny little beard. he's evil".
Love is like Charlie Sheen - It started out promisingly enough on Wall Street, but ended up a joke on Two and a Half Men.
Men are like chocolate - never readily available enough
Peter Andre LITERALLY has an acorn for a penis!
I know it's not fair, but whenever I see an old guy on his own in the street, I think "pedophile alert".
I'm just a soccer mom (and housewife!) from St Louis, Missouri
I'm just always so busy, I don't know if I'm coming or going! What with looking after my six (!) boys (hubby Todd and sons Bladen, Brantley, BJ, Brogan and little Chad) I never have a moment to myself.
I sometimes think my life is just like one big washing machine - the sports kits and clean shirts and jockstraps are like all the elements of my crazy little life, and they're all being mixed up together by fate (the washing machine). But you know what I think the important thing is? They're all getting clean, at least.
I love only two things besides Todd, my family and America (and my mom) - Ben & Jerry's phish food ice cream and my cat Missy. And CSI Miami. OK, that's 7 things, LOL!
My kids are such a handful - particularly Brogan! That kid's quite the young Todd - he thinks he's got all the sweet talk to make all the ladies swoon! The thing is though, he does. It's becoming a problem. I know that all my best girlfriends are suddenly all coming around because they like to flirt with my Mini-Todd (Brogan). Back off ladies - he's my son (and he's only 13).
Gotta go for now - hubby's calling!
Actor Robin Williams has to undertake emergency surgery on a severe anal fissure (cause unknown).
"BLEURGH!!! It's because of all the - BLEURGH! - guilt about shagging that bird so soon after BLEURGH - Jade died" Tweed said, while wading through the waist height vomitus he had already produced in the previous hour.
A bird doesn't sing because it has the answer, it sings because it has a song. That's one for the thoughtfolio ;)
London - Pop star Peter Andre has sensationally lifted the lid on the TRUE torment that caused him to split up with wife Katie Price, in the celebrity world's most vicious break up of 2009 - his controlling wife NEVER let him once visit the Hard Rock Cafe, DESPITE his burning 'credible rock star' ambitions.
Biting back tears, the heartbroken pop prince revealed: "It just wasn't fair, mate, you know? Kate could be a lovely girl, but she was always very controlling. We always had to do what she wanted, pandering to all her tastes. Like we were always going to horse shows and shit like that, when I'd much rather have taken the kids to wrestling. Normally I didn't mind so much, that's just Kate, except when it came to Hard Rock Cafe.
The thing is, Kate really doesn't like rock music, she's much more of a dance chick. Like, she once said she'd suck off the guy from the Killers, but that's about it. So as much as I tried to get her excited about seeing a napkin John Lennon once wore round his neck, or a replica of a plectrum once held by Eric Clapton, she just said it was shit and didn't care.
The other thing is, Katie's always on a diet and starving herself, or having dental surgery which stops her from eating, so the last thing she wants is some big fat rock n'roll burger or good time boogaloo fries, whereas I love them.
But I think that if Kate had ever really loved me, she'd have let me go anyway, to enjoy all the memorabilia and burgers and stuff, grabbing some onion rings in between pictures of all my idols, a select bunch of guitar-wielding rock Gods, a group who maybe just maybe one day I might join, when my new album hits the stores.
It's not like I'm just talking about the one in London, either. They're everywhere all over the world these days, and everyone knows me and Kate were only ever actually on holiday. She must have denied me at least 40 times".
I always thought that if God was a man, he'd be made of chocolate. I don't mean black, I mean literally made of chocolate - http://twitter.com/mollycat35
If you can't walk the walk... then why are you walking buddy? Sit down ...while I run.
When we laugh at death, we cry at life