"...and Rodney King wasn't beaten-beaten. And Ian Huntley didn't murder-murder those girls"
"But lads, I use an electric!"
"But this is actually a mile from where I live?"
X Factor hopeful Robert Mugabe has apologised for turning to tyranny following the death of his brother.
Judge Simon Cowell was accused of glorifying totalitarianism earlier this week by allowing the 85-year-old to participate on the ITV1 talent show.
Mugabe revealed his despotic history after a series of images which show him rigging elections and crushing dissent were leaked online.
He told The Sun: "I was an idiot. I'm sorry. I was so stupid, I was 83 and trying to be cool. The older kids were dictators so I just wanted to be like them.
"But I never dictated daily. I knew you could get five years. And I know people who have been oppressed."
The contestant, who now lives with foster parents in Zimbabwe, added that he "lashed out" in the wake of the death of his brother Aaron, who died in a car crash aged 20.
"My mum wanted me to get away from Zimbabwe. Now I just hang around doing my music at home. I hate the idea of people seeing me as this dictator thug, that's not me anymore."
I'm a cross dresser...whenever I get dressed, I'm angry. Actually, I'm angry all the time.
Hello dear friend?
How are you? I know this message will come to you as a surprise since we haven't met each other before. I am Mr. Jack Tweed from Essex, but presently I live in Pentonville prison, because of the crisis in my country Sudan that makes me to lose my beloved parents.
My father works with Mill doll the gold service company here in Mali for nine years before they planed and killed him on his visit to my country including my mother and my 2 younger ones I was in school before the incident.
But before my father’s death, he have sum of USD$6.5Million (Six Million Five Hundred United States Dollars Only) lodged in a consignment box and deposited with a private Security Company here in Bamako Mali.
He also uses my name as next of kin/heir to deposit the consignment box. > Please I want to know if you will help me with your wealth of experience in business to invest this money into a legitimate business in your country while i will come over to your country to secure my life and continue my education in your country.
My dear, i am now an orphan and i am seeking for a God fearing someone to assist me receive this inheritance because this money is my only hope in life. If you are willing to assist me because of God; I will give you 30% of the total money for your kind assistance as soon as the money gets to your country and 10% will be set aside for any governmental tax or delivery charges from here or your country.
Get back to me as soon as you read this message for me to give you further information on how to proceed and get this consignment to your country. I have all the information related to this if you want to know more. > I wait for your urgent response,
Thanks, Jack Tweed.
A celebration of good ol' uncle US of Stateside. Grab yourself a Dr Pepper and some nachos, and dive in!
"He was standing over my bed, smiling in a creepy way...I hope it was God."
Over 8 weeks, 10 hopeful wannabes, sourced from 10,000 hopefuls, compete for the chance to be celebrity rape defendant Jack Tweed's new best pal - his prison cellmate.
The "On remand and in demand" celeb will ultimately choose his reluctant close confidante based on a variety of factors, including joke telling ability and ability to access hardcore porn, all the while wearing a grey All Saints jumper.
Look out for this great new show - coming soon!
REQUEST FOR ASSISTANCE: _STRICTLY CONFIDENTIAL I AM KATIE PRICE.THE CHAIRMAN OF SECRET CELEBRITY RAPE REVIEW COMMITTEE SET UP BY THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT OF NIGERIA UNDER THE NEW CIVILIAN DISPENSATION TO AWARD NEW CONTRACTS AND REVIEW EXISTING ONES.
I CAME TO KNOW OF YOU IN MY SEARCH FOR A RELIABLE AND REPUTABLE PERSON TO HANDLE A VERY CONFIDENTIAL TRANSACTION, WHICH INVOLVES THE TRANSFER OF A HUGE SUM OF SECRET CELEBRITY RAPE TO A FOREIGN ACCOUNT.
THERE WERE SERIES OF CONTRACTS EXECUTED BY A CONSORTIUM OF MULTI-NATIONALS IN THE RAPE INDUSTRY IN FAVOUR OF N.N.P.C. THE ORIGINAL VALUE OF THESE CONTRACTS WERE DELIBRATELY OVER INVOICED TO THE SUM OF USD$25,000,000.00 (TWENTY FIVE MILLION UNITED STATEDOLLARS).
THIS AMOUNT HAS NOW BEEN APPROVED AND IS NOW READY TO BE TRANSFERED BEING THAT THE COMPANIES THAT ACTUALLY EXECUTED THESE CONTRACTS HAVE BEEN FULLYPAID AND THE PROJECTS OFFICIALLY COMMISSIONED. CONSEQUENTLY, MY COLLEAGUES AND I ARE WILLING TO TRANSFER THE TOTAL AMOUNT TO YOUR ACCOUNT FOR SUBSEQUENT DISBURSEMENT, SINCE WE AS CIVIL SERVANTS ARE PROHIBITED BY THE CODE OF CONDUCT BUREAU (CIVIL SERVICE LAW) FROM OPERATING AND/OR OPENING FOREIGN ACCOUNTS IN OUR NAMES.
NEEDLESS TO SAY, THE TRUST REPOSED ON YOU AT THIS JUNCTURE IS ENORMOUS, IN RETURN, WE HAVE AGREED TO OFFER YOU 30% OF THE TRANSFERED SUM, WHILE 10% SHALL BE SET ASIDE FOR INCIDENTAL EXPENSES (INTERNAL AND EXTERNAL) BETWEEN BOTH PARTIES IN THE COURSE OF THE TRANSACTION YOU WILLBE MANDATED TO REMIT THE BALANCE TO OTHER ACCOUNTS IN DUE COURSE. MODALITIES HAVE BEEN WORKED OUT AT THE HIGHEST LEVEL OF THE MINISTRY OF FINANCE AND THE CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA FOR THE IMMEDIATE TRANSFER OF THE FUNDS WITHIN10 WORKING DAYS SUBJECT TO YOUR SATISFACTION OF THE ABOVE STATED TERMS.
OUR ASSURANCE IS THAT YOUR ROLE ISRISK FREE.TO ACCORD THIS TRANSACTION THE LEGALITY IT DESERVES AND FOR MUTUAL SECURITY OF THE FUNDS THE WHOLE APPROVAL PROCEDURES WILL OFFICIALLY AND LEGALLY PROCESSED WITH YOUR NAME OR THE NAME OF ANY COMPANY YOU MAY NOMINATE AS THE BONEFIDE BENEFICIARY.
I WANT TO ASSURE YOU THAT THIS BUSINESS PROPOSAL IS 100% RISK FREE AS WE HAVE DONE OUR HOME WORK PROPERLY I QUITE BELIEVE THAT YOU WILL PROTECT OUR INTEREST BY TAKING THIS DEAL STRICTLY CONFIDENTIAL, AS WE ARE STILL IN GOVERNMENT SERVICE, WHICH WE INTEND TO RETIREFROM.KINDLY EXPEDITE ACTION. THANKS AND GOD BLESS.
IF YOU ARE INTERESTED PLEASE TELL ME YOUR PHONE NUMBER AND ADDRESS SO WE MAY COMMUNICATE WITH YOU. THIS IS IMPORTANT AS WE WOULD HAVE TO TALK ABOUT THE MODALITIES OF THE TRANSACTION. WAITING TO HEAR FROM YOU
Today the music world reeled from the news that not one but two music powerhouses are no more - cockney chancers Chas and Dave, who have announced they are splitting up, and the Sugababes, whose only original member Keisha Buchanan has finally left the band.
Although it has been announced that the band will carry on with fourth and fifth members Heidi Range and Amelle Berrabah and new, sixth member (of a supposed three piece group), Jade Ewen, no one really believes that things can ever be the same.
Already some have been calling for the original three members to reform and face off against their replacement rivals, perhaps on a tawdry TV show for ITV2.
But that dream has now been scuppered by the news that Chas Hodges from Chas and Dave and the ex-'Babes Keisha will team up for a new single, album and world tour.
Already there are rumours of bullying within the band, with Chas running off in the middle of the night and Keisha flatly denying everything.
"Anything you can do, I can do better"