Remember, God created New Years Eve, NOT New Years Steve!


2009 was a pretty shit year, but good for celeb gossip. Death loomed large in 09, with many names like Michael Jackson, Farah Fawcett, Patrick Swayze and Jade Goody dying, to name but a small handful. There were so many celeb deaths, Heaven briefly had to close, and there were so many in just one week that presenter Nick Owen worried an old gypsy curse was coming true.

Man of the year Harvii "Roseboy" Kindlon was denied by Megan Fox, but planned his revenge. Mat Horne suffered from exhaustion and new sock puppet socialite "Socky" and fruitily-named celeb gang "Five a Day" hit the London party scene.


And let's never discuss this decade again.

Wordle: The Noughties

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DB 2009 Review - A (half) YEAR IN PODCASTS

The first podcast 'pilot' was recorded in early August, and featured a discussion of Jade, Jackiey Budden and Jack Tweed, who carried a mattress on his back to symbolically represent the press.

Number 2 heavily featured Gazza - his poem tribute to Sir Bobby ("He was a man, even better than Peter Pan", his autobiography and tribute poems in general.

3 featured celeb confessions - Jack Tweed opens up to Carole Malone while Noel Fielding opens up to Dan Wootton. Meanwhile, Ronan just likes whatever is in the top ten, Peter Andre loves those kids and Nelson Mandela makes a poor houseguest.

In September's number 4, we turned to two special fathers for justice - Paul Betts, father of 90s ecstasy overdose victim Leah and Terry Lubbock, father of Stuart, the butcher who died in Barrymore's pool. "If you want me to slow down, don't show me their future".

5 discussed the many many fifth Beatles out there, plus Jack Tweed trying to break America ("Howdy pardner").

6 was a very angry affair, discussing Jack Tweed's arrest for rape, what if Obama was Chinese? and accusing Charlie Brooker of looking like a paedophile.

7 was an American special, discussing the great nation at length with reference to attitudes, history and Tom Cruise's character in Cocktail.

In October, 8 discussed two men who are very hard to tell apart - Michael Parkinson and Michael Aspel, two silver haired Michaels who present TV shows.

9 was part 1 of a two part TV detective special - in the wake of the theft of my yacht, and little Pumule, the African boy, a detective was needed. Discussing names like Quincy, Jessica Fletcher, Ironside and Cadfael.

The second part featured more names including Magnum, Renegade and Columbo, ending with the realisation that I had stolen my own yacht.

In 11, we discussed the death of Stephen Gately, Jack Tweed: Crime Traveler, Mitch Winehouse on Another Stakeout and more in a celeb-packed special.

In November, 12 was the first part of a 2 part Wrestling special where we discussed the stupidity of wrestling, and whether it's racist.

Part 2 got a bit lively as we wondered what wrestling names celebrities would call themselves, and obscure new wrestlers like 'Simon Orangeade' and 'Rory Internet'.

In December, part 14 discussed a bad week for Alex Reid and all things terrorism related - the shoebomber (ten songs he might have sung), Aaron Barshack, John Smeaton and Jack Tweed being radicalised in jail.

Part 15 was a TV special, as shows including Dragons Den, X Factor, Deal or No Deal and Eastenders were disected.

Finally, a fairly poor 16th podcast discussed tattoos and read out made up emails.

More in early 2010 - subscribe and it goes straight to your iTunes


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Wordle: Peter Andre

DB 2009 Review: WORD CLOUD

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Wordle: 2009

DB 2009 Review: MEN OF THE YEAR

7. Gordon Smart - Kasabian obsessed twunt.

6. Gordon Brown - Always looks so in control

5. Peter Andre - He REALLY loves those kids

4. Alex "Roxanne" Reid - He really loves publicity

3. Josef Fritzl - But only for his liberal use of the blue plastic "file that made us smile".

2. Jack Tweed - Renaissance Man extraordinaire. Painting, writing, acting - he can't do any of them.

1. Harvii "Roseboy" Kindlon - Responsible for the picture of the year, the next Barry George.

DB 2009 Review : KATIE & PETER

A busy year for the nation's celebrity sweethearts, as eternal love soon turned to complete and utter hate.

At first things seem OK, and Pete is so busy he clones himself while Katie starts a war of words with alter ego Jordan. But soon, the cracks show and the couple split.

Pete has his "Katie" tatto removed, so Jordan has a Pete tattoo done so she can do the same. She then kills Harvey to annoy Pete. She accuses him of having been in Al Qaeda and having an 'acorn' penis.

Shockingly, Katie reveals she was once raped by a celebrity, but won't reveal who. Peter refuses to be outdone. Thankfully Katie later meets a hunky new man.

As the war of words increased, Jordan then revealed she had been murdered just weeks before Pete cruelly dumped her. Pete threatens to sue over a sneeze, and even sue himself.

After finally releasing his album after a 20 year wait, Pete tries and fails to have a number one.

Pete also revealed his shame at having never been to Hard Rock Cafe, Katie failed to impress on I'm A Celebrity and Harvey was swung around in the park. A lot.


Dark Beige is on a Xmas break. Back next week with a review of 2009 and more.

Enjoy up to 16 podcasts here: http://darkbeige.podbean.com/


"I'm here to do my bit"


As many are stranded in road chaos due to the cold weather, people blame the lack of gritters and salt on the roads. "This must be Gordon Brown's fault. It's a real shame", one motorist said.


I was sick of being called "Twiglet" and "Pencilneck" so I've been down the prison gym, working out. Amazing what a few days can do...


Definitely more experimental / unscripted on this occasion


"They keep hunger locked up til lunch, without a trial or anything"


"I can't wait to see Big Ben, a licky boom boom down"



"I wish you good luck, but I'm out"


"7 Blakes? I'll die!"