"That's why I was laughing, honest"
No less plausible than his last excuse
Jack Tweed has publicly ruled himself out of being considered for England manager, but says he's flattered by the mere idea (his mate had).
Although Tweed doesn't think he'll be venturing that way any time soon, he thinks it's a great privilege that his mates suggested it, and revealed that he's certainly open to other offers.
A source said yesterday, "Jack's England through and through and he'd love to take the job if it was offered to him, but he's concentrating on keeping his head down after his wake-up call".
"Erm...yeah, so, football...God, I'm exhausted"
He's good as he's already used to being unfairly blamed for everything.
There was outrage yesterday when it was revealed that hard working paedophile Mike Jones, 38, was being let go of his £28,000 a year job running a local newsagent, supposedly because of his "heinous crimes"...only to be replaced by an IMMIGRANT.
Angry Mike blasted "all I did was quickly touch a kid in the park, they told me it would be OK. But then some namby pamby do gooders heard about it and stuck their oar in, losing me my job. What are my kids going to do now, the ones I abuse every day?"
Worse, Mike's job has now been taken over by a Romanian, who doesn't even know the first thing about running a newsagent, or accessing child porn. "It makes me sick", Mike lamented, "another important part of British life being lost forever...soon all our child porn will be made in Brussels"."
I was fookin drivin me car down the street when i saw this fit fookin fat ass in a pair of tracky b's so I spat out me ribena and shouted "oi luv, get your laughing gear round me nob" and she turned round and laughed and it was that fat bird from them adverts for that posh food and she got in the car.
Then the fookin bitch bought me 9 cars and we had 2 kids. Then we split up. I hate the fookin cow. The end.
Everyone's gone totally Glasto mad as the world's biggest festival opened its gates yesterday, with fans pouring in from around the globe for a slice of Glasto magic.
"It's like, totally Glasto", one reveller said. "I couldn't Glasto miss Glasto". "I Glasto", another agreed, "you've got to Glasto at Glasto to be Glasto".
With bands including Muse, U2 and Coldplay (probably) playing, this is sure to be the biggest, best Glasto yet.
Organiser Michael Eavis certainly hopes so. "Glasto", he said, smiling.
"Oh no! That's the fourth this week!"
"I hate those foxes for attacking those kids mate.Naughty little blighters.
But what if a fox cub attacked a kid? Then it would sort of be a kid itself. I just wouldn't know what to think. Blub"
Love split? I do love splits, if you know what I mean : )
Then accidentally blows nose on American flag and wipes arse on Obama's tie.
"My name is Pavlos and I've actually now shat myself"
Off to France. Back on the 19th, with more puns, paedo jokes and podcasts.
"If I can dream..."
For publicly insulting James Corden