SPIKED WINEHOUSE!



Mitch Winehouse, a London taxi driver, has been found guilty of luring women into his taxi, drugging them with champagne and then sexually abusing them.

Winehouse was found guilty of 19 charges of drugging and sexually assaulting 12 women passengers. The 51-year-old carried out an 18-month campaign of terror, preying on women who were leaving bars and clubs late at night in fashionable parts of London and wanted to get home safely.

To each victim, he spun a lie about how he had won thousands of pounds on the lottery or how he had a famous daughter and invited them to toast his success with a glass of champagne, while serenading them with a big band hit.

Many accepted, not realising that Winehouse had spiked their drinks with sedatives.

As they slipped in and out of consciousness, lying slumped in the back of his taxi, he seized his opportunity, jumping into the back of the cab to molest them and tell them about how his daughter was on the road to recovery - as long as she stayed away from that bloody Blake!

During the seven week trial, victim after victim told how they felt safe because they were stepping into a registered black London taxi. Now finally, they are safe.

As the Judge sent him down, Winehouse shouted "Keep Blake away!"

SIMPLE JACK



I asked this geezer to smuggle me in some hooch as I fancied a drink. But he's dyslexic and he smuggled me in a pooch!

What am I gonna do with this dog?

SPEECH IMPEDIMENT



Speech Debelle booed by take That fans, and thus impeded from singing.


SIMPLE JACK



You mess with the Red Bull, you get the horn ; )

EXTRA STRONG MINCE



"Ooh, smell her"

GONER REA?



Has Chris Rea died? No

SIMPLE JACK



That posh bird who ran away from prison and went to a local Premier Inn was a right muppet...should have gone to Faces!

Though maybe it's shut in the afternoon : (


MORE SIMPLE JACK



When I heard something about Jack Tweed, Snaresbrook, I thought maybe I'd snared sexy Kelly!

But no, they were just talking about Snaresbrook County Court where I got remanded : (

I'M SO DEPRESSED BECAUSE EVERYONE HATES ME



I'm Thierry Ennui

MORE SIMPLE JACK



The warden took away my Prison Break DVD. I asked him why, and he said he didn't want to give me any ideas.

I told him I had a Footballer's Wives DVD, but it don't mean I'm going to fuck John Terry! : )

PINK IS THE GREATEST ARTIST OF HER GENERATION



By Paula O Toole


Pink is the artist of my generation. She's just such a strong voice, an independent woman, a free bird, a wild stallion.

Pink sings from the HEART. And you just really feel the emotion, you know? Really feel the pain as she rails against everything from her father to stupid pop culture role models to people who just haven't got the party sufficiently started without her.

But don't think those haunting, angry lyrics won't stab you in the gut with raw emotion! If God is a DJ, Life is a dance floor, Love is the rhythm, You are the music. God, I'm welling up already just thinking about those words. I need a little me time. Well, me and PInk time : )

MORE SIMPLE JACK



Some geezer just walked into my cell with a pack of cards and said "blackjack?"

I said naa mate, I'm most definitely caucasian! : )

DOWNS AND OUT



John & Edward finally leave the X Factor, (and Jordan leaves the jungle)

SIMPLE JACK



One time some yobs pelted the outside of my fave club with eggs. That's right, we had egg on our Faces : )

PRISON WATCH, WITH JACK TWEED



Apparently they still had a "Welcome back Jack" party at Faces without me last week. Wankers : (

THE SHOO BOMBER



"Go away!"

MAKING FRIENDS WITH MITCH ON TWITTER



@mitchwinehouse I saw it. It was ok.


@DarkBeige RT @mitchwinehouse I saw it. It was ok.


@mitchwinehouse @DarkBeige Why do you repeat everything that i say. have you nothing to say yourself.


DarkBeige Rt @mitchwinehouse @DarkBeige Why do you repeat everything that i say. have you nothing to say yourself

IAN BROWN, JAMES BROWN, CHRIS BROWN...





What is it about the surname Brown that makes you want to hit women?

NEW HOME COMES WITH ALL MOD CONS



"We're all prisoners, and we love the Small Faces"

GORDON BROWN TO APOLOGISE TO THE WORLD FOR BEING BORN



Gordon Brown is to offer a formal apology to tens of billions of people forcibly made to listen to him or see his face, across the world.

The prime minister plans to make the apology in the new year after discussions with charities representing the whole world's population and their families, a Downing Street spokeswoman said today.

In a letter to a Labour MP who has campaigned on the issue, Brown said that the "time is now right" for an apology, adding: "It is important that we take the time to listen to the voices of the survivors and victims of this misguided man."

I'VE COME INTO SOME MONEY



Now this tenner stinks of jizz

WIND UP RADIO




"I've stolen your passport and stuck a moustache on your photo. Ha ha, I'm a right wind up merchant"

DARK BEIGE RADIO - PODCAST 13: WRESTLING, PART 2



A short but sweet addition to the wrestling discussion - http://darkbeige.podbean.com/

WELL, THIS IS AWKWARD




Man exposed as paedophile through online trap set by his own wife! But he looks nothing like a stereotypical paedo! Oh...


http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/wales/8357454.stm

IT'S WHAT HE WOULDN'T HAVE WANTED



There's genuinely nothing funny about the tragic murder of schoolboy Jimmy Mizen in a London bakery last year.

But there is something funny about this terrible, terrible poem of remembrance, posted on the Gone Too Soon website:

You must've heard about the tragic death of Jimmy Mizen.

Thankfully, his killer is now locked up for life in prison!

Jimmy just innocently went to the local shop - a sausage roll to buy,

And so he did not expect to die!

On that fateful date,

Into his neck was hurled a plate.

It severed an artery, so that to death he sadly bled!

What on earth was going on in the killer's head?

Well, Jimmy's father blames misdirected anger!

He went on to say:

"But it doesn't have to be this way!"

My friend reckons they should bring back national service.

Alternatively, engaging in outdoor pursuits would be my advice;

As this really sorts the men out from the boys!

For example, whilst at school,

Instead of playing with toys,

Several of us tried canoeing,

which had one school bully actually crying!

He wasn't so big and tough after that.

In fact he became rather a sheepish brat!

After being defeated by the challenge of canoeing,

Never again on anyone was he found picking!

Battling against the forces of nature,

Helps everyone to mature!

I hope this poem brings tears to your eyes,

So that you will now realise:

If we can avoid ever getting angry, it will lead to a friendlier and better society!

Now, in pain, Jimmy did not moan,

As he did not die alone.

Instead, he was held in the arms of his brother,

Which will bring some comfort to his mother.

Although, if to be gentle and kind ourselves we could train,

then, like Jesus- little Jimmy did not die in vain!

NOW PETER ANDRE SUES HIMSELF



"I made a little joke on my TV show that my kids were driving me mad, as Harvey and Junior were really playing up that day.

The thing is, though, I didn't like the inference of my slur, that I don't love those kids totally, 110%, so I'm suing myself for emotional distress. I LOVE those kids!"

FUN WITH HARVEY



I asked mum when dinner is and she told me to wait for this week's OK! magazine for an answer.

I'm starving : (

NEW VERSIONS OF "DOES A BEAR SHIT IN THE WOODS?"



"Does a bear shit in the woods?" and "Is the Pope a Catholic?" both need a 2009 update. What could it be?


* "Does Peter Andre really love his kids?"


* "Do the Guardian like talking about The Wire?"



* "Is Pete Townshend a very thorough researcher?"


* "Is Jack Tweed over Jade already?"