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Showing posts with label Music. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Music. Show all posts
SNEAK PREVIEW: MITCH WINEHOUSE'S JAZZ TRIBUTE TO AMY
"A shooby dooby dooby doo wah, doo wah,
My shooby dooby daughter is dooby dooby dooby doo-dead, doo dead"
More Mitch fun in Dark beige Radio Podcast 28, out next week
GEORGE MICHAEL ASKS FANS TO HELP HIM DO A POO ON TWITTER
Come on! I'm sure together we can all get this to number two!
THAT'S IT - I'M RETIRING
I'm a special performer
By Phil Collins
Don't even try to stop me. It's too late. I'm retiring. I'm just too old to matter anymore.
What's that you say?
"Please Phil, don't go - we still need you. We love you"?
Oh, you were just coughing.
Fuck you.
I'm off. This is it.
Bye then.
I'm off.
See you later.
I'm retiring.
I HAVENT DIED YET IN 2011!
By the Lighthouse Family's Tunde Baiyewu
Tunde bloody Tunde! Us minor celebs are dropping like flies in 2011, and we're not even a week in!
I never expected so many sort of famous people to die in a whole month of Tundes! First Pete couldn't Postleth-wait to die, then Gerry Rafferty got off at the wrong stop (Baker Street) - and died!
Then Japan musician Mick had a Karn-do attitude to death, while old Hollywood actress Anne Francis took her final curtain call, and Babe writer Dick King Smith went to the big old farm house in the sky. All these deaths have left me feeling anything but Lifted!
And yet I'm here, doing totally fine! I haven't even got a cold. I'm feeling better than ever, in fact. Healthy, strong, soulful. I might even take an Ocean Drive later. I'm in my prime.
*Cough* Oh God, just read that &cough* boxer Gary Mason has died. He went 12 rounds with the traffic and lost. I'll miss you *cough splutter* big guy.
But I'm still *wretch* here, still Tunde. Tell me why you don't like Tunde? Just kidding *cough vomit* everyone loves me!
Oh God, I'm actually starting to not feel well. I hope I won't be sending you all Postcards From Heaven in 2011. Hey that rhymes, it could be a *groan* song. My swansong...
2011, Don't know why you're so blue, Sun's gonna shine on everything you do, And the sky is so blue, *AAAAAAAAAAAH!* Sun's gonna shine on everything you do *dies*
STORM FROM X FACTOR HUMILIATES HIMSELF IN FAILED MURDER SPREE
"I want everyone to never give up. You haven't seen the last of me." - The very nearly chilling words said by 37 year old X Factor reject Storm, as he left the show last weekend. Few could have known how potentially omenous his words would prove.
Just days later, the angry, vengeful singer set out on a murderous spree, vowing revenge on Simon Cowell and Louis Walsh, who he blamed for his early demise, and the general public who had failed to back him.
Loading a holdall with shotguns, the failed celebrity set off on his vengeful quest, but didn't have any bus fare to get to Cowell's home in West London. "This isn't the last you've heard of me!", he warned the bus driver.
Walking slowly into town, Storm decided to start his kill spree, but realised he had mislaid his bag of guns somewhere back a few miles ago, during the bus kerfuffle. Grabbing a blunt knife from a local cafe, he attempted to slash a passing pensioner, but slipped on a banana skin and landed face first in some freshly laid horse shit.
"Follow your dreams, horse shit, you haven't heard the last of me!", he angrily promised the manure.
Storm then tried to storm into a primary school and do a Dunblane, but it was Saturday. "I'll be back!", he warned, before returning to a life of failure and obscurity.
JAY KAY WRITES SONG ABOUT RAOUL MOAT
"Shibidibidee doobap girl, red faced Raoul rocks my world...cosmic funk, she is the one...angry doorman so much fun! "
HI, I'M ALEX JAMES, AND I LOVE CHEESE
It's the darnedest, funniest thing - I used to be a rock star, but now I'm a cheese making farmer!
I don't know quite how it happened (it's a bit of a Blur!, lol), but one day I put down the rolled up note and picked up a rake. I stopped snorting lines and started eating cheese and wines, I gave up smoking crack, and started scoffing brie on crackers.
Back then, the only bag of South America's finest I was interested in was small, white and made of cocaine. But now, it might be some rare Argentinian Jarlsberg, or something.
I've put down the groupies and pick up the Gruyere - who'd have thunk it? Not me, not me.
I live in the country and I've got a family. I used to be a cunt, and now I'm still a cunt, but a cunt who makes cheese.
It's hilarious.
CLIFF BANGER!
Ageless star invents a time machine - then travels back to the 50s, to fuck himself!
Congratulations! That's what many fans are saying to Cliff Richard today, toasting his success at being the first man ever to successfully travel through time, and using that incredible gift to go back in time to the 50s, track down his younger, rakish self, and have sex with the Living Doll.
Sir Cliff's been on a Bummer Holiday, away from any Devil Woman, just him, his young self, a Bible and some lube - Two to the power of love.
When Cliff saw himself, he perhaps creepily exclaimed "Daddy's Home", kissing his Lucky Lips. He begged his younger self "Please don't tease", saying he'd loved him from a distance. He implored himself to suck him off, whenever God shines a light (i.e now).
Then he traveled back to the present, sated, and decided not to do it again. "We don't talk anymore", he lamented.
JUSTIN: I WANT TO BE THE MEAT IN A MUGABE / YENTOB MANWICH
"I want both"
JUSTIN BIEBER is not one to set his sights low despite his small stature
He's looking for an older manfriend and says his perfect guy would be a ROBERT MUGABE and ALAN YENTOB cross.
But since they are both too old for him, the bolshy Biebster wants to take both Robert and Alan out for dinner so he can tap them up for some dating advice. You've got to admire his front.
Justin said: "Robert Mugabe and Alan Yentob are two of the hottest guys in the world - and so normal and funny with it. If I was a few years older they are the kind of guys I'd like to date. I want a younger version of Robert and Alan - a mixture of the two would be hot. Maybe they could coach me and tell me how to work out which ones are the good ones. That would be pretty awesome”.
Justin said: "Robert Mugabe and Alan Yentob are two of the hottest guys in the world - and so normal and funny with it. If I was a few years older they are the kind of guys I'd like to date. I want a younger version of Robert and Alan - a mixture of the two would be hot. Maybe they could coach me and tell me how to work out which ones are the good ones. That would be pretty awesome”.
"I would like to invite the two of them out for dinner so they can tell me the best way to win a man like them."
Talented
Justin admits he has started looking for an older man now. I'm sure there will be no shortage of candidates for the 16-year-old. He explained: "I am happy being single but that doesn't mean I'm not seriously looking. The problem is when I meet a middle aged man, I don't know if he likes me or if he likes the lifestyle”.
"Also, the really hot guys go around acting like they know they are hot. It's rare to find a guy who is both hot and really cool, but I know they do exist."
Even though Justin concedes he can't date his two potential agony uncles, he would still like to record with Alan and Robert - and also with ROBBIE WILLIAMS.
Justin added: "I want to meet Robert and Alan in a professional capacity too, not just because they are hot but because they are super talented.”
Talented
Justin admits he has started looking for an older man now. I'm sure there will be no shortage of candidates for the 16-year-old. He explained: "I am happy being single but that doesn't mean I'm not seriously looking. The problem is when I meet a middle aged man, I don't know if he likes me or if he likes the lifestyle”.
"Also, the really hot guys go around acting like they know they are hot. It's rare to find a guy who is both hot and really cool, but I know they do exist."
Even though Justin concedes he can't date his two potential agony uncles, he would still like to record with Alan and Robert - and also with ROBBIE WILLIAMS.
Justin added: "I want to meet Robert and Alan in a professional capacity too, not just because they are hot but because they are super talented.”
TOWNSHEND: WE'RE DISGUSTED MOAT USED OUR SONG
"That man never researched an unreleased book in his life. He's disgusting....but who's his blurry little friend?"
DO YOU LIKE ATHLETICO MADRID, BRIAN MCFADDEN? IS THAT YOUR FAVOURITE MADRID TEAM?
"No. That's not Real to me"
IT'S GLASTOMANIA!
Everyone's gone totally Glasto mad as the world's biggest festival opened its gates yesterday, with fans pouring in from around the globe for a slice of Glasto magic.
"It's like, totally Glasto", one reveller said. "I couldn't Glasto miss Glasto". "I Glasto", another agreed, "you've got to Glasto at Glasto to be Glasto".
With bands including Muse, U2 and Coldplay (probably) playing, this is sure to be the biggest, best Glasto yet.
Organiser Michael Eavis certainly hopes so. "Glasto", he said, smiling.
