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Daily comedy website covering celebrities, TV, film, music, characters and more.
We hate you, you're not our real dad
Showing posts with label Favourite. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Favourite. Show all posts
CLIMATE CHANGE CAUSES A LEVEL RESULTS TO BLOSSOM 5 MONTHS EARLY
"I got straight A's!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"Shit, it's freezing out here"
DARK BEIGE RADIO: PODCAST 26 - DO ME A FAVOUR, LOVE
On International Women's Day, a load of prehistoric banter
EVERYBODY'S DOING THE SAIF AL GADAFFI
"Stare to the front,
And point your right hand,
Show your penis size,
And the finger goes up,
Now bring your left hand across,
And make a triangle
And that's the Saif Al Gadaffi dance!"
IF TWITTER WAS AROUND IN JESUS' TIME
"LOL at those sandals"..."what a walking on water twat"..."I preferred his earlier pond walks"
"hope he's got enough loaves and fishes to feed fatty Corden"...."That food looks shit, what a bearded twat"..."bet he hasn't got a gluten free option"...
"OMG I love One Direction"..."he looks pretty cross about being up there"..."this is shit"
2010: A YEAR IN REVIEW, PART 3
Away from Raoul, in July, smugness levels soared with the launch of the iPad, and Duncan Bannatyne revealed he loves cigarettes.
In August, Sean Connery revealed where he went to school, Justin Bieber revealed who he wanted to date, Martin Freeman showed his dramatic range and there were familiar scenes on A level results day. Snoop Dogg revealed his love of Hyacinth Bucket, and cat bin lady caused a stir.
In the Autumn, Michael Barrymore taunted the Lubbock family, Cliff Richard invented a time machine, went back in time and fucked his younger self, and Alex James shocked everyone with his love of cheese. Gap employees had a swingers party, Storm from X Factor humiliated himself (again) and fire extinguisher student became a hero.
Finally, Man United's Mexican striker has 400 nicknames, and a doctor uses a calculator to break bad news, while Beckham can't solve everything (or anything).
Phew! What a year! Join DB in 2011 where hopefully Pandre will still be crying, Townsend still not releasing, and everything still fucked.
Happy New Year!
2010: A YEAR IN REVIEW, PART 1
In January my baby was born so I didn't pay too much attention to other stuff.
But the final Celebrity Big Brother wowed the nation, where Vinnie Jones was revealed to be a total bellend. And it snowed yet again, despite a Facebook campaign to make it stop, while Peter Andre went on a shooting spree in a school, because he loves kids.
In February, disaster struck in Haiti, David Cameron appealed to as many voters as possible, Stephen Fry was given listed status, and Ashley Cole revealed a talent for rubbish excuses, as every footballer going had a sex scandal.
In March, even cryin' Peter Andre was exposed as a hypocrite, Turbo B from Snap got a job as a doctor, Mitch Winehouse adopted an African orphan and Jack Tweed starred in the picture of the year.
In April, Cleggmania briefly gripped Hollywood (hindsight is a bitch), Jimmy from 911 agonised over whether he was to blame for nine eleven, while Josef Fritzl's famous "file that made him smile" got everywhere. Gentle Ben was revealed as a rapist and a woman gave birth to a potato.
In May, election fever reached a crescendo, and the Sun went for a misjudged cover. Mark Croft admitted he was fucking his cars, and famous Russells faced off at Rusell Mania, while Vinnie Jones lamented the sad loss of Dennis Hopper, who he never met.
In June, two dead celebrities started a drum and bass night in heaven, and Glastomania took hold.
Come back tomorrow for part 2, and the summer of one very special red faced doorman of hearts - Raoul Moat...
HARVEY'S GUIDE TO SWINGING
Very good. To be actively encouraged.
Not so good. Be careful if you get involved that things don't get out of hand.
Very bad. Avoid at all costs!
LOCK UP YOUR DAUGHTERS! LITERALLY!
TEN SONGS IAN HUNTLEY MIIIIIIIGHT HAVE SUNG!!!
- It Wasn't Me - Shaggy
- Drown, Drown, Deeper and Drown - Status Quo
- You Got To Hide Your Love Away - The Beatles
- Huntley House - Blur
- Here In My Bath... - Gary Numan
- Soham Macho - Sinitta
- Huntley High & Low - A Ha
- Handle With Caretaker - Traveling Wilburys
- Updrown Top Ranking - Althia & Donna
- I Just Died In Your Bath Tonight - Cutting Crew
STORM FROM X FACTOR HUMILIATES HIMSELF IN FAILED MURDER SPREE
"I want everyone to never give up. You haven't seen the last of me." - The very nearly chilling words said by 37 year old X Factor reject Storm, as he left the show last weekend. Few could have known how potentially omenous his words would prove.
Just days later, the angry, vengeful singer set out on a murderous spree, vowing revenge on Simon Cowell and Louis Walsh, who he blamed for his early demise, and the general public who had failed to back him.
Loading a holdall with shotguns, the failed celebrity set off on his vengeful quest, but didn't have any bus fare to get to Cowell's home in West London. "This isn't the last you've heard of me!", he warned the bus driver.
Walking slowly into town, Storm decided to start his kill spree, but realised he had mislaid his bag of guns somewhere back a few miles ago, during the bus kerfuffle. Grabbing a blunt knife from a local cafe, he attempted to slash a passing pensioner, but slipped on a banana skin and landed face first in some freshly laid horse shit.
"Follow your dreams, horse shit, you haven't heard the last of me!", he angrily promised the manure.
Storm then tried to storm into a primary school and do a Dunblane, but it was Saturday. "I'll be back!", he warned, before returning to a life of failure and obscurity.
RAOULAN MOANTOB
The BBC today angrily denied reports that "creative director" Alan Yentob is leaving his post under new belt tightening reforms.
Yentob, a man who once falsely passed off acclaimed American film maker Stephen Kijak's work as his own, who earns around £500,000 a year on three different BBC salaries, who said he couldn't do his job unless he flied first class, and published a report that claimed he was the most popular of all BBC presenters with viewers, is going nowhere.
To cement this fact, Yentob today announced his first new project: an Imagine special looking at the artistic and cultural heritage left by Raoul Moat.
"I'd like to meet this fascinating, controversial man", he said. "Book me a first class ticket to Rothbury".
CHILEAN PAEDO MOIR
Comedian Vic Reeves, real name Jim Moir, has been arrested in Santiago, Chile, on suspicion of having sex with a minor, a bitter irony as the world eagerly awaits the happy resolution to the case of the 32 trapped miners.
HI, I'M ALEX JAMES, AND I LOVE CHEESE
It's the darnedest, funniest thing - I used to be a rock star, but now I'm a cheese making farmer!
I don't know quite how it happened (it's a bit of a Blur!, lol), but one day I put down the rolled up note and picked up a rake. I stopped snorting lines and started eating cheese and wines, I gave up smoking crack, and started scoffing brie on crackers.
Back then, the only bag of South America's finest I was interested in was small, white and made of cocaine. But now, it might be some rare Argentinian Jarlsberg, or something.
I've put down the groupies and pick up the Gruyere - who'd have thunk it? Not me, not me.
I live in the country and I've got a family. I used to be a cunt, and now I'm still a cunt, but a cunt who makes cheese.
It's hilarious.
