DARK BEIGE IS BACK >>
Daily comedy website covering celebrities, TV, film, music, characters and more.
We hate you, you're not our real dad
SIMPLE JACK
I asked this geezer to smuggle me in some hooch as I fancied a drink. But he's dyslexic and he smuggled me in a pooch!
What am I gonna do with this dog?
SIMPLE JACK
That posh bird who ran away from prison and went to a local Premier Inn was a right muppet...should have gone to Faces!
Though maybe it's shut in the afternoon : (
MORE SIMPLE JACK
When I heard something about Jack Tweed, Snaresbrook, I thought maybe I'd snared sexy Kelly!
But no, they were just talking about Snaresbrook County Court where I got remanded : (
MORE SIMPLE JACK
The warden took away my Prison Break DVD. I asked him why, and he said he didn't want to give me any ideas.
I told him I had a Footballer's Wives DVD, but it don't mean I'm going to fuck John Terry! : )
PINK IS THE GREATEST ARTIST OF HER GENERATION
By Paula O Toole
Pink is the artist of my generation. She's just such a strong voice, an independent woman, a free bird, a wild stallion.
Pink sings from the HEART. And you just really feel the emotion, you know? Really feel the pain as she rails against everything from her father to stupid pop culture role models to people who just haven't got the party sufficiently started without her.
But don't think those haunting, angry lyrics won't stab you in the gut with raw emotion! If God is a DJ, Life is a dance floor, Love is the rhythm, You are the music. God, I'm welling up already just thinking about those words. I need a little me time. Well, me and PInk time : )
SIMPLE JACK
One time some yobs pelted the outside of my fave club with eggs. That's right, we had egg on our Faces : )
PRISON WATCH, WITH JACK TWEED
Apparently they still had a "Welcome back Jack" party at Faces without me last week. Wankers : (
MAKING FRIENDS WITH MITCH ON TWITTER
@mitchwinehouse @DarkBeige Why do you repeat everything that i say. have you nothing to say yourself.
DarkBeige Rt @mitchwinehouse @DarkBeige Why do you repeat everything that i say. have you nothing to say yourself
IAN BROWN, JAMES BROWN, CHRIS BROWN...
What is it about the surname Brown that makes you want to hit women?
GORDON BROWN TO APOLOGISE TO THE WORLD FOR BEING BORN
Gordon Brown is to offer a formal apology to tens of billions of people forcibly made to listen to him or see his face, across the world.
The prime minister plans to make the apology in the new year after discussions with charities representing the whole world's population and their families, a Downing Street spokeswoman said today.
In a letter to a Labour MP who has campaigned on the issue, Brown said that the "time is now right" for an apology, adding: "It is important that we take the time to listen to the voices of the survivors and victims of this misguided man."
WIND UP RADIO
"I've stolen your passport and stuck a moustache on your photo. Ha ha, I'm a right wind up merchant"
DARK BEIGE RADIO - PODCAST 13: WRESTLING, PART 2
A short but sweet addition to the wrestling discussion - http://darkbeige.podbean.com/
WELL, THIS IS AWKWARD
Man exposed as paedophile through online trap set by his own wife! But he looks nothing like a stereotypical paedo! Oh...
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/wales/8357454.stm
IT'S WHAT HE WOULDN'T HAVE WANTED
There's genuinely nothing funny about the tragic murder of schoolboy Jimmy Mizen in a London bakery last year.
But there is something funny about this terrible, terrible poem of remembrance, posted on the Gone Too Soon website:
You must've heard about the tragic death of Jimmy Mizen.
Thankfully, his killer is now locked up for life in prison!
Jimmy just innocently went to the local shop - a sausage roll to buy,
And so he did not expect to die!
On that fateful date,
Into his neck was hurled a plate.
It severed an artery, so that to death he sadly bled!
What on earth was going on in the killer's head?
Well, Jimmy's father blames misdirected anger!
He went on to say:
"But it doesn't have to be this way!"
My friend reckons they should bring back national service.
Alternatively, engaging in outdoor pursuits would be my advice;
As this really sorts the men out from the boys!
For example, whilst at school,
Instead of playing with toys,
Several of us tried canoeing,
which had one school bully actually crying!
He wasn't so big and tough after that.
In fact he became rather a sheepish brat!
After being defeated by the challenge of canoeing,
Never again on anyone was he found picking!
Battling against the forces of nature,
Helps everyone to mature!
I hope this poem brings tears to your eyes,
So that you will now realise:
If we can avoid ever getting angry, it will lead to a friendlier and better society!
Now, in pain, Jimmy did not moan,
As he did not die alone.
Instead, he was held in the arms of his brother,
Which will bring some comfort to his mother.
Although, if to be gentle and kind ourselves we could train,
then, like Jesus- little Jimmy did not die in vain!
NOW PETER ANDRE SUES HIMSELF
"I made a little joke on my TV show that my kids were driving me mad, as Harvey and Junior were really playing up that day.
The thing is, though, I didn't like the inference of my slur, that I don't love those kids totally, 110%, so I'm suing myself for emotional distress. I LOVE those kids!"
BORIS IS RIGHT - LONDON CRIME IS NOTHING LIKE THE WIRE
They don't wank on and on about it in The Guardian every day, for a start
NEW VERSIONS OF "DOES A BEAR SHIT IN THE WOODS?"
"Does a bear shit in the woods?" and "Is the Pope a Catholic?" both need a 2009 update. What could it be?
* "Does Peter Andre really love his kids?"
* "Do the Guardian like talking about The Wire?"
* "Is Pete Townshend a very thorough researcher?"
* "Is Jack Tweed over Jade already?"
HI ARNIE, DO YOU THINK THEY SHOULD BRING BACK THAT'S LIFE WITH A NEW PRESENTER?
"No way! I still love Esther, baby!"
DARK BEIGE RADIO - PODCAST 12: WRESTLING SPECIAL
First of a 2-part special: http://darkbeige.podbean.com/
PETER & KATIE'S LATEST PUBLICITY STUNT
"I'm going to jump through a flaming hoop while Katie skydives from a plane with no parachute, and we'll both land by poor Harvey's sickbed"
COMING SOON TO CHANNEL 4: BEGGARS BELIEF
A hard hitting look at the religious beliefs of the homeless.
PRISON WATCH, WITH JACK TWEED
Being in prison is like being in Groundhog Day.
I don't mean because exactly the same thing happens every day, I mean because they use this little rodent to try to predict the weather (?)
6 NEW STONE ROSES SONGS IAN BROWN MIGHT SING
* She Banged Her Head, officer, I promise
* Begging You (To stop hitting me)
* I Wanna Be Attacked
* Bruise Spreads
* One Punch
* I Have a Red Erection (Caused by hitting my girlfriend)
A POLITICAL HOT POTATO
"Will Darling also confirm that the APS announced in January was unworkable? Why has the US been more successful at getting private capital into the banks?"
SHE RANG HER MUM
And said "please can you come and get me, he's hit me"
http://www.digitalspy.co.uk/showbiz/news/a184969/ian-brown-arrested-for-assault-on-wife.html
BRITAIN IMPORTING VICTIMS TO SUPPLY GROWING DEMANDS OF BULLIES
Britain faces a new CRISIS - an ever dwindling supply of schoolboy victims to taunt and tease, as the entire nation rapidly become bullies. "At this rate, 100% of school children will be bullies by 2012", a government spookesman said. "Thus we've no choice but to farm in fresh victims from Eastern Europe, Asia and beyond".
But many ordinary decent Brits are just not happy. One mum blasted "these foreigners don't look half as geeky as good old fashioned Brits. Yes, many Asians wear glasses, but those emaciated Poles aren't near;y tubby enough to mock and spit upon".
FILM ENDS ROW WITH FILM CRITIC
New Michael Jackson movie This Is It has made peace with critic Derek Malcolm, who called the film "boring".
The movie, which has made more than $20 million, had threatened to withdraw from cinemas and DVD release, saying there was "too much aggression and unkindness". But fans rallied round, attacking the critic and begging him to stay.
This Is It and Malcolm later apologised to each other, with the movie saying its reaction had been "a mood thing" and that it now felt "more sheepish than a sheep".
The disagreement began when Malcolm said: "I admire and adore" Michael Jackson, but added that he found the concert rehearsal film "a bit... boring... (sorry Michael)."
This Is It then sent a message to the critic, saying: "You've convinced me. I'm obviously not good enough. I retire from cinemas henceforward. Bye everyone."
He later said he was feeling "very low and depressed at the moment". Almost immediately, Malcolm began receiving angry messages from what he called a "baying mob" of fans.
Saw VI, who stars at multiplexes alongside This Is It, also waded in, calling the criticism of the film "moronic". Malcolm later said there had been an "over-reaction" and he was "aghast at how far this has gone".
The film, who had been showing on a flight to Los Angeles, picked up on what had happened when he landed.
He wrote: "Arrived in LA feeling very foolish. Wasn't the fault of the fellow who called me "boring", BTW. A mood thing. Sunshine will help. So sorry. Feeling terrible for that poor guy. He had every right to call me boring. Not his fault it caught me at a vulnerable time. Pls be nice to him."
He then sent several messages directly to his critic, saying he was "so sorry to hear people have been abusing you" and calling the situation "awful".
He then sent several messages directly to his critic, saying he was "so sorry to hear people have been abusing you" and calling the situation "awful".
Malcolm said he owed him no apologies, to which This Is It replied, "Thank you for being so understanding."
