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Showing posts with label Obama. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Obama. Show all posts
SWATGATE: FLY KILLED BY OBAMA WAS JUST TRYING TO GET CLOSE TO OFFER HIM FLOWERS
Just like that fat kid with Megan Fox
CALL ME BARACK OBOEMA
US president Barack Obama has taken up woodwind instrument the oboe, to help deal with the stresses and strains of the most powerful job in the world.
DEFYING THE CREDIT CRUNCH: OUT OF WORK BLACK CHIPPENDALE BECOMES HIT 'OBAMAGRAM'
"Today I say to you that the challenges we face are real. They are serious and they are many. They will not be met easily or in a short span of time. But know this, America: They will be met.
Happy Birthday, sweetheart!"
ERIC MENERHAUER - SECRET CELEBRITY ASSHOLES
Tuesday 14th April, 8.38pm
Today my life’s been totally boring. I only left the house to briefly stand in the street and look for a dog who I could hear barking somewhere. But I couldn’t see nothing so I went back inside.
I was supposed to be working on my history project today, but I couldn’t really get started. Instead I just kept annoying my sister while she tried to watch her lame shows on the E! Network. I know way more about Zac Efron’s grooming regime than I need to know. And I swear I heard three different assholes tell me three totally different stories about what’s going on with Miley Cyrus’ love life. And I still don’t give a shit.
But all this celebrity exposure got me thinking about which so-called “cool” celebrities are obviously total assholes when they’re away from the public, behind closed doors.
Here are my opening thoughts:
Matthew Perry: On screen, this supposed “friend” is like that jerky guy everyone knows who has a joke for every occasion. Randy, basically. The fact that one minute he’s thin as a rake and the next he’s all fat and red faced also helps him seem like one of us (his weight is the only way you can ever tell which shitty season of Friends you’re watching on reruns). But I just bet that when he’s away from all that Perry likes to act like a total asshole. He looks like the kind of jerk who’d send back a cappuccino for being too frothy, or something.
Patrick Swayze: Ooh, controversial. I know it’s like blasphemous to talk of the (almost) dead and all, but I don’t buy this whole Swayze bullshit. I think he’s probably a Holocaust denier or something. I don’t have any evidence, just call it an Eric Menerhauer hunch.
Kate Hudson: Don’t even get me started on Kate Hudson. Just because she’s blonde and skinny and kinda hot, do you think that doesn’t mean she’s some kind of Lisa Hames-style snotty bitch? You’re deluded my friend. She looks like she’d always be complaining that she’s cold.
Barack Obama: Dont’cha think maybe all this ass kissing has gone to his head by now? Picture the scene: Obama is at some kind of high powered meeting with a load of assholes from Europe or somewhere, when his personal bodyguard, who is naturally listening in silently, hears something that he knows he has a decent idea about. He’s nervous about speaking, but he reckons like we all did that Obama must be OK, so he speaks up. Do you think Obama actually lets him speak? Or shoots him some asshole look so this guy knows never to speak up again? Exactly. Just another secret asshole.
Madonna: Not sure that this even counts as she’s such an obvious asshole, but seriously, can you imagine trying to have a conversation with this bitch? And yet, knowing that, some lame old gays still pay $175 just to watch her mime? I thought those guys were supposed to have taste? Plus, Madonna looks like Lisa Hames might when she's 90, which gets a "do not want" tag.
NOTE: I only don’t include Zac Efron because surely everyone KNOWS he’s an asshole?
OBAMA HAS A DREAM
"I was back at my old high school, except everything was kind of faded and all the teachers were dressed like soldiers"
GORDON BROWN'S FACIAL TIC GETS HIM IN TROUBLE WITH OBAMA AGAIN
"If you ever leer at my wife like that again, I'll get you. And stop smiling like that"
OBAMA ACCIDENTALLY LEAVES MICROPHONE ON WHILE URINATING
Is still given a round of thunderous applause for his rousing whizz.
THEY CALL ME THE BRITISH OBAMA
By Richard Blackwood
They used to call me the British Will Smith.
Before that, I was the British Eddie Murphy.
If I had been born earlier than I was, I would have been the British Richard Pryor.
BRITAIN’S BLACKS BACK BARRACK BACKLASH
Despite being in office for less than a day, a backlash against President Barack Obama has begun in earnest – from Britain’s black community.
Obama has been branded a ‘big-head’, a ‘show off’ and called ‘boastful’ by people such as Norrington Spencer from Peckham. Despite uniting the world’s only super-power in a political movement of hope, courage and optimism, it seems us Brits can’t resist sticking the knife in – even the black ones.
The Baracklash – or blacklash, (take your pick) is expected to culminate in frosty international relations between the UK and America and could even end with a new cold war. Edith Black, from Hackney, had this to say: ‘He’s not even really black. I’ve seen a blackboard in my time, and that is black. Barrack Obama’s face is more like the colour of milky coffee. He can fuck right off.’
The immensely popular President declined to comment on the story.
