dark beige

Tuesday 14th April, 8.38pm

Today my life’s been totally boring. I only left the house to briefly stand in the street and look for a dog who I could hear barking somewhere. But I couldn’t see nothing so I went back inside.

I was supposed to be working on my history project today, but I couldn’t really get started. Instead I just kept annoying my sister while she tried to watch her lame shows on the E! Network. I know way more about Zac Efron’s grooming regime than I need to know. And I swear I heard three different assholes tell me three totally different stories about what’s going on with Miley Cyrus’ love life. And I still don’t give a shit.

But all this celebrity exposure got me thinking about which so-called “cool” celebrities are obviously total assholes when they’re away from the public, behind closed doors.

Here are my opening thoughts:



Matthew Perry: On screen, this supposed “friend” is like that jerky guy everyone knows who has a joke for every occasion. Randy, basically. The fact that one minute he’s thin as a rake and the next he’s all fat and red faced also helps him seem like one of us (his weight is the only way you can ever tell which shitty season of Friends you’re watching on reruns). But I just bet that when he’s away from all that Perry likes to act like a total asshole. He looks like the kind of jerk who’d send back a cappuccino for being too frothy, or something.



Patrick Swayze: Ooh, controversial. I know it’s like blasphemous to talk of the (almost) dead and all, but I don’t buy this whole Swayze bullshit. I think he’s probably a Holocaust denier or something. I don’t have any evidence, just call it an Eric Menerhauer hunch.



Kate Hudson: Don’t even get me started on Kate Hudson. Just because she’s blonde and skinny and kinda hot, do you think that doesn’t mean she’s some kind of Lisa Hames-style snotty bitch? You’re deluded my friend. She looks like she’d always be complaining that she’s cold.



Barack Obama: Dont’cha think maybe all this ass kissing has gone to his head by now? Picture the scene: Obama is at some kind of high powered meeting with a load of assholes from Europe or somewhere, when his personal bodyguard, who is naturally listening in silently, hears something that he knows he has a decent idea about. He’s nervous about speaking, but he reckons like we all did that Obama must be OK, so he speaks up. Do you think Obama actually lets him speak? Or shoots him some asshole look so this guy knows never to speak up again? Exactly. Just another secret asshole.



Madonna: Not sure that this even counts as she’s such an obvious asshole, but seriously, can you imagine trying to have a conversation with this bitch? And yet, knowing that, some lame old gays still pay $175 just to watch her mime? I thought those guys were supposed to have taste? Plus, Madonna looks like Lisa Hames might when she's 90, which gets a "do not want" tag.



NOTE: I only don’t include Zac Efron because surely everyone KNOWS he’s an asshole?