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Showing posts with label Eric. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Eric. Show all posts
ERIC MENERHAUER: CELEBRITY PEDERASTS
Thursday October 8th, 7.12pm
Ever thought about how many so-called 'celebrities' look like total kindergarten lurkers?
Well, I have. To be honest, it's just about the ONLY thing I think about at the moment, as I've got no girl, no car and school sucks an even bigger boner than ever before.
I guess I should go outside and play some sports or something. That might help.
No, that's gay. I''m just gonna sit here and 'name and shame' instead:
Robin Williams: "Ooh, he's so crazy and funny...no, now he's all dark and dramatic..." No, he's a total kiddie admirer - STAY AWAY
R Kelly: Does this count? He actually IS a pederast. Which doesn't surprise me looking at that stupid beard.
Chevy Chase: He used to be so vibrant, so handsome. Now, kids better hope he don't become Chevy Catch, with that creepy old face.
Clay Aiken: Eeww! Look at that face - who let this guy out of jail? What do you mean he hasn't been in jail? Just look at him!
Al Roker: Today's weather forecast: a lot of 'warm showers' for the under-5s, if you know what I'm saying!
Ellen DeGeneres: Oh what, so she can't be a pederast because she's a woman? I've seen Dateline. Besides, she's a lesbian.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY, WITH ERIC MENERHAUER
I'm a cross dresser...whenever I get dressed, I'm angry. Actually, I'm angry all the time.
ERIC MENERHAUER: BACK TO SCHOOL
Our resident angry young blogger from Dayton, Ohio, returns from a summer absence
Friday September 11th, 5.32pm
OK, so I've been off here for about a month. Probably because I actually have had a life to enjoy for once, but don't worry, that's naturally come to an asshat end by now.
It's early September, some asshole knocked down some buildings with a plane 8 years ago when I was still a young moron and I'm supposed to care, I have no job (again), no girlfriend (again) and no car (still). And worse of all, I'm back at my high school having to listen to total assholes and drool over hot chicks who don't know who I am.
And it was all briefly looking so good...I was working at Tile World, I had a hot girlfriend who kind of thought I wore a hearing aid, and I was even taking a proper vacation, in Florida with Jake & Randy & Paul Jones, and the chances of getting arrested for soliciting a prostitute (like In Vegas) were looking pretty low.
Florida was a blast, all the chicks had boob jobs and looked like they liked to party, if you know what I mean. We were all too young to go to the bars and clubs, but you can still hang on the beach or back at Paul Jones' aunt's condo and drink beer smuggled in from somewhere.
I'd generally just sit there and look at asses and hide my boner, and one day I even got a little action of my own, when some chick kicked her stupid beach ball in my face. I was mad as hell, but when I saw her fine body, I had a few beach balls of my own in my pants, if you know what I'm saying.
This girl was hot, but kinda dumb. She was from Minnesota and she kept saying everything was gnarly, like it was still the 90s or something! I guess it still is up there, the backwards ass clowns. But yeah, she was hot, so I pretty much hid my total contempt (and my guilt about cheating on the girl who I had thought I might be in love with, Tiffany), and smooched with her and let her stroke my boner and everything, too cool.
Then some asshat older guys came along and invited her and her friends to some party, but explicitly DIDN'T invite me. I didn't care, this dick was so ugly he probably needs to use rohypnol just to whack off. But you know how it is, when you're older, it's cool.
Maybe I should start hanging out with Tina's friends, and being a total pederast, offer to take them to a PG13 or something. Gross. And I was feeling a little bad about Tiffany, but I shouldn't have bothered, as after i got back I couldn't get hold of her for days, and she was ignoring my texts and e-mails and Facebook requests and letters and standing outside her house, shouting up at the window. I started to suspect something was wrong.
Then I was just at the Cinnabon at the mall, when I saw her, with HIM. She was with this guy who was like obviously deaf AND blind, and he even had a walking stick. What a helpless boner, except he WAS getting help - from Tiffany, who was all over him like a cheap suit.
I marched over and demanded to know what the hell she was doing, and I called her a no-good cheating floozy (gay) and told her it was over. All she said back was "Where's your hearing aid gone?" so i just told her that I've never been deaf and in fact, I think deaf people are kinda lame ("no offence buddy, on both counts") and went on my way. I was so pissed.
So, back to square one. Life is gay. But maybe, just maybe, it's gonna get better. Only two more years of this shit before I go to college and bone chicks and smoke pot and go to parties and shit.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY, WITH ERIC MENERHAUER
I need to move out of home as my parents are such total asses. I'm thinking of renting a condo in Rumer Willis' chin.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY, WITH ERIC MENERHAUER
I'm a horny teen, and even I wouldn't bone Katie Price. She looks like she smells of sick, GROSS.
ERIC MENERHAUER - THE TARDS AT TILE WORLD MAKE ME SICK
Friday 21st August, 2009, 7.12pm
Will Ferrell wants to be a jockey, but he's really tall. And a total asswipe. But he still makes it. 'Elf on a horse'.
I HATE MY LIFE. Have to get up every damn day and go to the stupid mall and work at Tile World, the most retarded store on earth. The people there are so friggin' stupid! It beggars belief, or begs belief, or whatever the hell that lame ass phrase is. The guys are all bumbling pedophiles in short sleeve shirts and ties who bring in their own gay silver coffee holders and talk about sports and shit that no one actually cares about, or they're hard working Asian geeks, or wiseass losers who are still kidding themselves that this is just a phase in their life that won't last forever.
On that basis, they're pretty much ready to go in just about ANY Judd Apatow movie, starring Seth Rogan, Jonah Hill and any other asshat with a big frizzy Jewfro. Not being funny or nothing, I kinda like all those movies, but have you noticed that they've basically re-released the same movie about 100 times now? I got so bored at work arranging tile displays, I started to think about other Apatow style movies that are probably coming soon...
Will Ferrell wants to be a jockey, but he's really tall. And a total asswipe. But he still makes it. 'Elf on a horse'.
Will Ferrell is a childish adult, but now HE's got to run a nursery! What will he do?
Will Ferrell is blind, but now he's got to run an optician!
Will Ferrell's best friend is turned into a whale. Now he must travel to sea world to set him free.
Adam Sandler is just a big angry manchild, but he's actually amazing at baseball.
Seth Rogen is a man who turns into a bear. But when his family comes to the park with a picnic, will he attack them?
Seth Rogen is a giant asshole. Paul Rudd is a sphincter. It's the ultimate bromance pairing
Will Ferrell is Seth Rogen's father, but he acts like his son! But when a baby is left on their doorstep, they BOTH have to grow up fast
When Will Ferrell is left a bear in the terms of a will, he has to grow up fast, in a great big bear hug of a comedy
Jonah Hill & Paul Rudd are two men whose girlfriends are total bitches. They really want to bone each other, but instead get new girlfriends.
Adam Sandler is retarded. But he's also really good at fishing.
Steve Carrell and Seth Rogen are two bungling stoner hitmen, sent to kill each other!
Seth Rogen is a primary school teacher who falls in love with his blackboard.
ADAM SANDLER FUCKS A DOLPHIN, AND LEARNS A LIFE LESSON.
It makes me wanna puke, man. Not The Hangover, though, that film kicks ass for the Lord.
Other stuff: Tiffany is actually really boring. Hot but boring. The upside of the whole hearing aid thing is that we don't talk on the phone, which is a relief, as she's so damned dull. She just keeps talking about Twilight and True Blood and shit. Like, "vampires are gay, honey, get over it!" But no, she won't. And she's pretty prudish too. I tried to make a little joke about how I had a little blood somewhere on my body that needed sucking, but she didn't bite. Which might have hurt if she took the whole vampire thing too literally.
It all presents me with something of a tough decision, as next week we're FINALLY going to go to Florida for our vacation - me, Randy, Jake and Paul Jones. I just KNOW that there's going to be hot chicks in need of a boning left, right and centre. I've seen Girls Gone Wild, man! So...what to do? Do I stay faithful to Tiffany, or do I step up the plate and become Casa-bone-a? It's hard. Just thinking about it makes me hard.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY WITH ERIC MENERHAUER
My mom said me and Tiffany are in puppy love. She ain't no dog, she's hot, mom, you bitch.
WHEN ERIC MET BRANTON
Eric: You suck total boners you weird no-life coach
Branton: When we suck on the boners of life, we pray to swallow the seeds of hope.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY, WITH ERIC MENERHAUER
I feel like I could cure AIDS or cancer or something if I really tried. But I know that if I did, the press would just call me an "egghead" or "boffin" or "science geek". So I'm not going to bother.
ERIC MENERHAUER - A MATTER OF LIFE AND DEAF
Saturday 1st August, 5.45pm
I bet you've been wondering where the hell I've been for the last two weeks. Well, the answer is, I've been in love. Seriously man, it's been a total blast with Tiffany, she's totally hot and nice and shit. She smells real good, like root beer or something. I've been walking on air, man, and I don't mean two 70s-inspired French disco fags have been carrying me around or nothing. I EVEN don't mind working as at lunch I can cycle over to Wendy's and get a 30% discount on a burger. The only downside is, the whole hearing aid thing. You remember how when we met at her Wendys I was wearing a hearing aid for fun, and she seemed to really dig it, and so we arranged to go out on a date to see Harry Potter, and I was supposed to tell her about it before the night, but I chickened out?
Well, the date went well, REAL well, despite Harry Potter 6 sucking total boners, as expected. Young Harry is now about 50, and he's still never even played with his own magic wand, if you know what I'm saying. And his best pal Ron still sounds like that pederast from Mary Poppins, and is still being a clumsy, tongue tied boner despite the fact that it's clear that Hermione wants to bone him, and shout "labia majora" in a naughty spell, or something. But who cares? Hermione would have had had to be naked and getting banged by Severus Snape to even catch my attention (pretty sure this didn't happen. If it had, the age gap might have been a little creepy. More of a Severus Rape, if you will.)
We met at the cinema, and Tiffany looked HOT, like watch out Beyonce, fresh meat coming through (creepy). We met outside the multiplex, and I was both desperate for Lisa Hames to see us, and have my total hotness rubbed in her ugly face, and at the same time, totally desperate for her to not see me as she might query the hearing aid, the meddling bitch. Who does she think she is?, where is she?, and thank God she's not here all entered my mind at the same time, but my main thought was really "don't get a boner off of looking at Tiffany". Easier said than done, my friend. In fact, very hard, if you know what I'm saying...You do know what I'm saying, don't you? I'm talking about erections. Anyway, the film went on a real long time, giving me plenty of opportunities to think about telling Tiffany that the whole deaf thing was kind of a joke. I also found myself thinking about England and why it's always so dark in these movies, like does nobody own a fricking light bulb? And I thought about boning Vanessa Hudgens, which was weird as I was surrounded by two hot chicks (Tiffany and Hermione), and there I am being greedy for a third. Men are such dogs! Right sisters? Lol.
Afterwards we went for a burger, but not at Wendy's, as that's where Tiffany works in the daytime, and that would be like Obama being president of the USA all day and then going home and having to be president there as well. Which he does, so this analogy doesn't work. It's another banalogy. What Obama should do is go home and be President of Germany or somewhere, but they're all too damned conservative to do it. Not so radical now, are you Obama? You hypocrite.
So we went all classy and had a Carl's Jr, and I wanted to say that I wasn't deaf, but there just didn't seem to be a good moment, not even when she asked me to tell her something about me she didn't know, or even what my deepest darkest secret is (I didn't tell her about my hairy ass either). It was all going so well, and I wanted to broach the whole hearing aid thing, when suddenly she started telling me about how her mom has partial hearing, and that she's grown up with it and shit. She even got a little tearful, and as I passed her a napkin, true love was born. But as I tried to test the whole fake disability waters by talking about those Spanish guys who pretended to be retarded to get into the special Olympics, she got really angry, and said it was disgusting and made her wanna puke. She was kinda hot when she was angry, but also a little Amish looking, if you know what I'm saying.
So anyway, I didn't end up telling her, and I haven't ever since. I mean, who needs the hassle, man? Life's good, and I can get by OK. From time to time I feel bad, and I start to really panic about what I'm going to do, and I CANNOT keep avoiding meeting her mom (she's really keen, apparently). But then I just think about getting my boner waxed and I reckon I'll take my chances. I'm 16 years old, for Christ's sake. Life is supposed to suck and be awesome at the same time.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY, WITH ERIC MENERHAUER
Is it racist to have once got Morgan Freeman and Denzel Washington mixed up? I hope not.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY, WITH ERIC MENERHAUER
I know it's not fair, but whenever I see an old guy on his own in the street, I think "pedophile alert".
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY, WITH ERIC MENERHAUER
I thought I'd correctly guessed the most common Chinese surname, but I got it Wong
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY, WITH ERIC MENERHAUER
There should be an all African-American New Kids tribute band called New Kids On the Black
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY, WITH ERIC MENERHAUER
If I ever become really rich from my career in porn, I'm going to have a dining room in my house with lots of pictures of food on the walls. That way, I'll always feel like I'm eating in a classy restaurant where they have pictures of the food.
ERIC MENERHAUER: TEEN MOVIES
Friday 17th July, 5.15pm
Yo. Just thought I'd try something a little ethnic there. Not sure it worked. Anyways, hi. That's sounds gay too. Whatever, basically this is me. And I've just got off the phone from the total babe love of my life, Tiffany. I had originally planned to phone her at midday, but it took me another five hours of thinking about it, putting it off, delaying, distracting and general other activities (including cleaning my bedroom!) before I finally summoned up the guts to call Tiffany and tell her that I'm not actually deaf.
Well, OK, that was the plan, and I even had a whole speech worked out, but man, the right moment just never came. Like, I kept thinking that at some point it would definitely come, but I was wrong. And as the conversation was actually going OK, I didn't want to break the spell. I think I even made a joke about liking Def (Deaf) Jam! And she laughed! But I'm sure she wouldn't have done if she didn't think I was deaf.
I'm meeting her tomorrow night at the mall to go and watch Harry Potter and have a burger. It could just be the best night of my life (finally displacing that night in 04 when I got drunk on cider in Kansas and my cousin Rosie touched my weiner and showed me her tits). But it all depends on how cool Tiffany's going to be with the whole hearing aid thing, specifically my total lack of deafness.
I don't know what I'm going to say, really. I'm torn between some kind of miracle recovery mid-evening (hard to pull off), or saying that I had to do it because Randy made me and he's a psychopath (more feasible, she's seen him, but still stressful). Otherwise, what? Admit that I'm a total ass and throw myself on her sexy mercy? Sounds hot, but I could never do it. Could I? It's a shame I'm a total atheist, because I could do with some kind of unseen being to believe in right now.
If this was actually a teen movie, you just know that somehow everything would be OK. No matter how bad things are going into the final half hour (where I am about now), it will all somehow be OK, as I get the girl, beat the bullies and learn an ass clown life lesson (yep, I've discussed this before).
Don't get me wrong, I love teen movies as much as the next guy (who might be a pedophile for all I know), but have you ever noticed how many things that happen in teen movies just make no sense and have no actual correlation to real life?
The guys, for a start. They're all like 29 and have names like Blane and Chantrick and Carlton and shit, and they have BIG hair and drive Porsches and shit. These guys are like, fully adult - they look adult, they act adult, they have all the trappings of adulthood - but for some creepy reason they're all still hanging out at school with much younger people like undercover pedophiles.
It's creepy if you stop to think about the casting in teen movies, there are a lot of old guys making out with hot young chicks who are much younger, but still older than the kids playing the average Joes or dorks (guys like me), who actually are almost the right age to be there.
There are always really hot, punky girls next door with ponytails and divorced parents and shit, that you get to bone once you finally realise that Mandy McBray, the school slut, is actually just a shallow, unhappy bitch (but this Mandy will still be played by a 23 year old Playboy playmate).
Everyone in teen high school movies acts like they're total celebrities, like some moron head cheerleader is Madonna or something, and her stupid ass quarterback boyfriend Blane Carlson is all Brad Pitt or whatever. Let me tell you about the quarterback at my school - he had bad acne, and his sister was retarded. He did not look like Brad Pitt. Not saying people didn't like him, but this guy never had some ultimate party in a mansion up in the hills after the prom, when his parents had yet again conveniently gone away for the weekend.
The thing is, kids at school really aren't that cool or important, but they still act like they are. It's that whole My Super Sweet 16 thing. And I blame that show on teen movies, for making people want all that shit. It's a vicious circle of shit ("Ooh! I'm a vicious circle! Watch out for my lack of right angles!")
Maybe I do hate teen movies. But I'm still going to scour as many of these ridiculous works of fiction I can over the next 28 hours, to find answers to my pressing moral problem.
