dark beige

Friday 17th July, 5.15pm


Yo. Just thought I'd try something a little ethnic there. Not sure it worked. Anyways, hi. That's sounds gay too. Whatever, basically this is me. And I've just got off the phone from the total babe love of my life, Tiffany. I had originally planned to phone her at midday, but it took me another five hours of thinking about it, putting it off, delaying, distracting and general other activities (including cleaning my bedroom!) before I finally summoned up the guts to call Tiffany and tell her that I'm not actually deaf.

Well, OK, that was the plan, and I even had a whole speech worked out, but man, the right moment just never came. Like, I kept thinking that at some point it would definitely come, but I was wrong. And as the conversation was actually going OK, I didn't want to break the spell. I think I even made a joke about liking Def (Deaf) Jam! And she laughed! But I'm sure she wouldn't have done if she didn't think I was deaf.

I'm meeting her tomorrow night at the mall to go and watch Harry Potter and have a burger. It could just be the best night of my life (finally displacing that night in 04 when I got drunk on cider in Kansas and my cousin Rosie touched my weiner and showed me her tits). But it all depends on how cool Tiffany's going to be with the whole hearing aid thing, specifically my total lack of deafness.

I don't know what I'm going to say, really. I'm torn between some kind of miracle recovery mid-evening (hard to pull off), or saying that I had to do it because Randy made me and he's a psychopath (more feasible, she's seen him, but still stressful). Otherwise, what? Admit that I'm a total ass and throw myself on her sexy mercy? Sounds hot, but I could never do it. Could I? It's a shame I'm a total atheist, because I could do with some kind of unseen being to believe in right now.

If this was actually a teen movie, you just know that somehow everything would be OK. No matter how bad things are going into the final half hour (where I am about now), it will all somehow be OK, as I get the girl, beat the bullies and learn an ass clown life lesson (yep, I've discussed this before).

Don't get me wrong, I love teen movies as much as the next guy (who might be a pedophile for all I know), but have you ever noticed how many things that happen in teen movies just make no sense and have no actual correlation to real life?





The guys, for a start. They're all like 29 and have names like Blane and Chantrick and Carlton and shit, and they have BIG hair and drive Porsches and shit. These guys are like, fully adult - they look adult, they act adult, they have all the trappings of adulthood - but for some creepy reason they're all still hanging out at school with much younger people like undercover pedophiles.

It's creepy if you stop to think about the casting in teen movies, there are a lot of old guys making out with hot young chicks who are much younger, but still older than the kids playing the average Joes or dorks (guys like me), who actually are almost the right age to be there.





There are always really hot, punky girls next door with ponytails and divorced parents and shit, that you get to bone once you finally realise that Mandy McBray, the school slut, is actually just a shallow, unhappy bitch (but this Mandy will still be played by a 23 year old Playboy playmate).

Everyone in teen high school movies acts like they're total celebrities, like some moron head cheerleader is Madonna or something, and her stupid ass quarterback boyfriend Blane Carlson is all Brad Pitt or whatever. Let me tell you about the quarterback at my school - he had bad acne, and his sister was retarded. He did not look like Brad Pitt. Not saying people didn't like him, but this guy never had some ultimate party in a mansion up in the hills after the prom, when his parents had yet again conveniently gone away for the weekend.

The thing is, kids at school really aren't that cool or important, but they still act like they are. It's that whole My Super Sweet 16 thing. And I blame that show on teen movies, for making people want all that shit. It's a vicious circle of shit ("Ooh! I'm a vicious circle! Watch out for my lack of right angles!")

Maybe I do hate teen movies. But I'm still going to scour as many of these ridiculous works of fiction I can over the next 28 hours, to find answers to my pressing moral problem.