Saturday 1st August, 5.45pm
I bet you've been wondering where the hell I've been for the last two weeks. Well, the answer is, I've been in love. Seriously man, it's been a total blast with Tiffany, she's totally hot and nice and shit. She smells real good, like root beer or something. I've been walking on air, man, and I don't mean two 70s-inspired French disco fags have been carrying me around or nothing. I EVEN don't mind working as at lunch I can cycle over to Wendy's and get a 30% discount on a burger. The only downside is, the whole hearing aid thing. You remember how when we met at her Wendys I was wearing a hearing aid for fun, and she seemed to really dig it, and so we arranged to go out on a date to see Harry Potter, and I was supposed to tell her about it before the night, but I chickened out?
Well, the date went well, REAL well, despite Harry Potter 6 sucking total boners, as expected. Young Harry is now about 50, and he's still never even played with his own magic wand, if you know what I'm saying. And his best pal Ron still sounds like that pederast from Mary Poppins, and is still being a clumsy, tongue tied boner despite the fact that it's clear that Hermione wants to bone him, and shout "labia majora" in a naughty spell, or something. But who cares? Hermione would have had had to be naked and getting banged by Severus Snape to even catch my attention (pretty sure this didn't happen. If it had, the age gap might have been a little creepy. More of a Severus Rape, if you will.)
We met at the cinema, and Tiffany looked HOT, like watch out Beyonce, fresh meat coming through (creepy). We met outside the multiplex, and I was both desperate for Lisa Hames to see us, and have my total hotness rubbed in her ugly face, and at the same time, totally desperate for her to not see me as she might query the hearing aid, the meddling bitch. Who does she think she is?, where is she?, and thank God she's not here all entered my mind at the same time, but my main thought was really "don't get a boner off of looking at Tiffany". Easier said than done, my friend. In fact, very hard, if you know what I'm saying...You do know what I'm saying, don't you? I'm talking about erections. Anyway, the film went on a real long time, giving me plenty of opportunities to think about telling Tiffany that the whole deaf thing was kind of a joke. I also found myself thinking about England and why it's always so dark in these movies, like does nobody own a fricking light bulb? And I thought about boning Vanessa Hudgens, which was weird as I was surrounded by two hot chicks (Tiffany and Hermione), and there I am being greedy for a third. Men are such dogs! Right sisters? Lol.
Afterwards we went for a burger, but not at Wendy's, as that's where Tiffany works in the daytime, and that would be like Obama being president of the USA all day and then going home and having to be president there as well. Which he does, so this analogy doesn't work. It's another banalogy. What Obama should do is go home and be President of Germany or somewhere, but they're all too damned conservative to do it. Not so radical now, are you Obama? You hypocrite.
So we went all classy and had a Carl's Jr, and I wanted to say that I wasn't deaf, but there just didn't seem to be a good moment, not even when she asked me to tell her something about me she didn't know, or even what my deepest darkest secret is (I didn't tell her about my hairy ass either). It was all going so well, and I wanted to broach the whole hearing aid thing, when suddenly she started telling me about how her mom has partial hearing, and that she's grown up with it and shit. She even got a little tearful, and as I passed her a napkin, true love was born. But as I tried to test the whole fake disability waters by talking about those Spanish guys who pretended to be retarded to get into the special Olympics, she got really angry, and said it was disgusting and made her wanna puke. She was kinda hot when she was angry, but also a little Amish looking, if you know what I'm saying.
So anyway, I didn't end up telling her, and I haven't ever since. I mean, who needs the hassle, man? Life's good, and I can get by OK. From time to time I feel bad, and I start to really panic about what I'm going to do, and I CANNOT keep avoiding meeting her mom (she's really keen, apparently). But then I just think about getting my boner waxed and I reckon I'll take my chances. I'm 16 years old, for Christ's sake. Life is supposed to suck and be awesome at the same time.
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