Our resident angry young blogger from Dayton, Ohio, returns from a summer absence
Friday September 11th, 5.32pm
OK, so I've been off here for about a month. Probably because I actually have had a life to enjoy for once, but don't worry, that's naturally come to an asshat end by now.
It's early September, some asshole knocked down some buildings with a plane 8 years ago when I was still a young moron and I'm supposed to care, I have no job (again), no girlfriend (again) and no car (still). And worse of all, I'm back at my high school having to listen to total assholes and drool over hot chicks who don't know who I am.
And it was all briefly looking so good...I was working at Tile World, I had a hot girlfriend who kind of thought I wore a hearing aid, and I was even taking a proper vacation, in Florida with Jake & Randy & Paul Jones, and the chances of getting arrested for soliciting a prostitute (like In Vegas) were looking pretty low.
Florida was a blast, all the chicks had boob jobs and looked like they liked to party, if you know what I mean. We were all too young to go to the bars and clubs, but you can still hang on the beach or back at Paul Jones' aunt's condo and drink beer smuggled in from somewhere.
I'd generally just sit there and look at asses and hide my boner, and one day I even got a little action of my own, when some chick kicked her stupid beach ball in my face. I was mad as hell, but when I saw her fine body, I had a few beach balls of my own in my pants, if you know what I'm saying.
This girl was hot, but kinda dumb. She was from Minnesota and she kept saying everything was gnarly, like it was still the 90s or something! I guess it still is up there, the backwards ass clowns. But yeah, she was hot, so I pretty much hid my total contempt (and my guilt about cheating on the girl who I had thought I might be in love with, Tiffany), and smooched with her and let her stroke my boner and everything, too cool.
Then some asshat older guys came along and invited her and her friends to some party, but explicitly DIDN'T invite me. I didn't care, this dick was so ugly he probably needs to use rohypnol just to whack off. But you know how it is, when you're older, it's cool.
Maybe I should start hanging out with Tina's friends, and being a total pederast, offer to take them to a PG13 or something. Gross. And I was feeling a little bad about Tiffany, but I shouldn't have bothered, as after i got back I couldn't get hold of her for days, and she was ignoring my texts and e-mails and Facebook requests and letters and standing outside her house, shouting up at the window. I started to suspect something was wrong.
Then I was just at the Cinnabon at the mall, when I saw her, with HIM. She was with this guy who was like obviously deaf AND blind, and he even had a walking stick. What a helpless boner, except he WAS getting help - from Tiffany, who was all over him like a cheap suit.
I marched over and demanded to know what the hell she was doing, and I called her a no-good cheating floozy (gay) and told her it was over. All she said back was "Where's your hearing aid gone?" so i just told her that I've never been deaf and in fact, I think deaf people are kinda lame ("no offence buddy, on both counts") and went on my way. I was so pissed.
So, back to square one. Life is gay. But maybe, just maybe, it's gonna get better. Only two more years of this shit before I go to college and bone chicks and smoke pot and go to parties and shit.
TWEET THIS!
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