By Duncan Bannatyne
Hi kids, I'm the smokesman- I mean spokesman of the coolest new fad - smoking! All the cool kids are doing it, and you should too, if you want to be cool. Cool as me.
I'm always in an ash cloud, even when I'm flying, and that's how I like it. If you want to be cool like me and run a gym and tell people their ideas are shit, you need fags. Seriously.
Are you too scared or something? Get chuffing, you little prick! Right, that's it, i'm out. I hope you fail.