LOCK UP YOUR DAUGHTERS! LITERALLY!
TEN SONGS IAN HUNTLEY MIIIIIIIGHT HAVE SUNG!!!
- It Wasn't Me - Shaggy
- Drown, Drown, Deeper and Drown - Status Quo
- You Got To Hide Your Love Away - The Beatles
- Huntley House - Blur
- Here In My Bath... - Gary Numan
- Soham Macho - Sinitta
- Huntley High & Low - A Ha
- Handle With Caretaker - Traveling Wilburys
- Updrown Top Ranking - Althia & Donna
- I Just Died In Your Bath Tonight - Cutting Crew
TIRED AND CONFUSED ALAN SUGAR NOT SURE WHAT SHOW HE'S ON
"You've got the X Factor...I mean, you are the weakest link...I'm fired!"
STORM FROM X FACTOR HUMILIATES HIMSELF IN FAILED MURDER SPREE
"I want everyone to never give up. You haven't seen the last of me." - The very nearly chilling words said by 37 year old X Factor reject Storm, as he left the show last weekend. Few could have known how potentially omenous his words would prove.
Just days later, the angry, vengeful singer set out on a murderous spree, vowing revenge on Simon Cowell and Louis Walsh, who he blamed for his early demise, and the general public who had failed to back him.
Loading a holdall with shotguns, the failed celebrity set off on his vengeful quest, but didn't have any bus fare to get to Cowell's home in West London. "This isn't the last you've heard of me!", he warned the bus driver.
Walking slowly into town, Storm decided to start his kill spree, but realised he had mislaid his bag of guns somewhere back a few miles ago, during the bus kerfuffle. Grabbing a blunt knife from a local cafe, he attempted to slash a passing pensioner, but slipped on a banana skin and landed face first in some freshly laid horse shit.
"Follow your dreams, horse shit, you haven't heard the last of me!", he angrily promised the manure.
Storm then tried to storm into a primary school and do a Dunblane, but it was Saturday. "I'll be back!", he warned, before returning to a life of failure and obscurity.
RAOULAN MOANTOB
The BBC today angrily denied reports that "creative director" Alan Yentob is leaving his post under new belt tightening reforms.
Yentob, a man who once falsely passed off acclaimed American film maker Stephen Kijak's work as his own, who earns around £500,000 a year on three different BBC salaries, who said he couldn't do his job unless he flied first class, and published a report that claimed he was the most popular of all BBC presenters with viewers, is going nowhere.
To cement this fact, Yentob today announced his first new project: an Imagine special looking at the artistic and cultural heritage left by Raoul Moat.
"I'd like to meet this fascinating, controversial man", he said. "Book me a first class ticket to Rothbury".
CHILEAN PAEDO MOIR
Comedian Vic Reeves, real name Jim Moir, has been arrested in Santiago, Chile, on suspicion of having sex with a minor, a bitter irony as the world eagerly awaits the happy resolution to the case of the 32 trapped miners.
CHILESEAN MINERS SHOULD BE RESCUED FROM ADRIAN'S ARSE "WITHIN HOURS"
Rescuers hope to reach the 33 miners trapped underground in TV presenter Adrian Chiles' arse within 24 hours.
Drilling equipment is being changed in preparation for the final push, but it will be three to eight days before the rescue mission will begin. Engineers said the shaft was now just 34m (112ft) from Chiles' anal chamber.
The miners were trapped 700m underground when part of blokey host Chiles' arse collapsed on 5 August. The miners have now been underground longer than any other group. Andre Sougarret, the engineer in charge of the drilling, said the final part of the operation would have to be handled very carefully.
"There are dangers - that we break through the hard rock, and when we break that, someone might have to watch Daybreak," he said. "That's why we need to send a camera down the shaft to make sure they're not going to be in danger."
Mr Golborne said the camera would help determine if the miners could be winched up through the exposed rock, or if they would have to wait for Chiles' anal shaft to be encased with steel piping.
He said the casing would take three to eight more days, and a decision would be made on Saturday. Officials say everything needed for the rescue is now in place. It is expected to take an hour to winch each man to safety. They will be given a pair of sunglasses to protect their eyes when they emerge into the sunlight, fresh from the grumpy Midlands' presenter's brown cave.
JAY KAY WRITES SONG ABOUT RAOUL MOAT
"Shibidibidee doobap girl, red faced Raoul rocks my world...cosmic funk, she is the one...angry doorman so much fun! "
PETER ANDRE WATCHES THE CRYING GAME
"Game? This isn't a game mate...imagine that happened to little Harvey...he wouldn't know where to look"
