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Brushing back his infamous silvery mane, the South Yorkshire septuagenarian announced: "It is with great sadness in my heart that I must announce my imminent death. As you may have heard, I have contracted the extremely uncommon J.Fox's disease, and now tragically expect to die in a matter of days.

At around four o'clock this afternoon, at a local clinic, I was injected with the illness of my own free will. Some of you may feel that this was the act of a lunatic, but after much soul searching, I felt that it was the only option left to show my appreciation for the tribute my colleague, friend and fellow Michael, Michael J. Fox has paid me in suffering from Parkinson's. For a Yorkshireman, honour is everything, and I did not feel that I could just stand idly by and live to a ripe old age any longer."

Later, answering questions, some of Parkie's much loved bravado returned, as he laughed the fatal disease off, saying "round here we call it the Sheffield cough", but it was clear that the ordeal was taking its toll on him, and that rakish glint was gone from his eyes.

Michael J.Fox was unavailable for comment yesterday, as he is currently hosting a seminar on teamwork in Houston, but he was most probably deeply touched by this ultimate gesture.
Not to be outdone by his bitter rival, however, Britain's second best loved silver-haired Michael (Michael Aspel) was soon on the phone to us, desperately proclaiming that he too had a terminal illness. Pathetically missing the whole point, he alleged that he had contracted Flatley's disease, named after the flame-footed "Irish" dance machine, Michael Flatley.

When doubts were expressed about the validity of his claims, Aspel broke down in tears, protesting: "It's not fair! Even in death he's outdoing me! He gets a prime time chat show, and I have to advertise DFS!! Don't forget that I had Oliver Reed on my show, whereas he was only attacked by Emu" he lied, before hanging up. All calls from Michael Barrymore are being ignored.