dark beige

Pour yourself a big glass of wine, pop open the Pringles and get that box of hankies ready – Sunday nights will never be the same again! (Or Monday, or Tuesday, or Wednesday…). My girlfriend Jane has left me!

At first, when I heard that she was threatening to leave, I wasn’t so sure – in her own sweet, unashamedly old fashioned way, Jane had a charming naivety that seemed to suggest she’d never actually go through with it. But I guess it was inevitable – like Tim and Dawn finally getting it on in The Office.

Thinking about it, like the heart warming love between Adam and Rachel in Cold Feet, we were a couple on an emotional roller coaster – sharing those giddy highs and tear jerking lows, as we learned to live and love in the 21st century. However, just like Will and Grace, we often spent our time bickering, in ice cool asides that were as sharp as the crease on Beckham’s Farah strides (?). Little did I know that it all spelt disaster!

And now she’s left me! It’s as depressing as one of those documentaries about Palestine on a Sunday night on 4 (Boo! Sunday evenings are all about escapist dramas set in sleepy northern villages full of charmingly slow men getting sweaty upper lips over unrealistic young nurses!)

No more will I have a sounding board for my unique reviews on the television of today. Who will hear me wax lyrical about why the latest series of The Apprentice is just the yummiest must-see event of 2008? Who will help me try and settle the ultimate debate once and for all – Doctor Who or Britain's Got Talent on a Saturday night? Who will approve my latest verbal wank over the utterly scrumptious pairing of moody Phil and sexy Kirstie in Location x 3 (as I like to call it)?

And what about the sex? Getting a "spit & polish" off Jane on a Friday night was the second best moment of the week (Well, Desperate Housewives is back!). And as I writhed away on top of her, huffing and puffing, I also got the most exercise I’ve ever had. Now what will I do?

I’ll probably just have a wank, come to think of it. And what’s more, I’ll have even more time to watch the best telly of the week – from Graham Norton’s deliciously bitchy one liners on I'll Do Anything to the impossibly hot Dirty Sexy Money, not to mention the brilliantly voyeuristic Embarassing Bodies.

Maybe life won’t be so bad after all.