dark beige

Down 2-1 to visiting Sunderland with only 10 minutes to go, I was at the receiving end of a long ball up the field. Seemingly without thinking, I caught it on the toe of my right foot, tapped it up in the air over a defender, caught it with my left, side-stepped another defender and hammered it home, as you English say.

Now, I know what you are thinking - "Gustav, what is the problem? This sounds to me very much like a goal of great magnitude, one that warrants mention in a show with a list of clips, perhaps presented by that popular Hollywood 'star', Vinnie Jones". And the thing is, you would be right. It was indeed the goal of my career, and in tying the game, almost saved us from the relegation zone. That night, I was the toast of Derby, as parties raged across the city until twenty past eleven, or thereabouts.

However, the problem is this: I have no dead fan to devote my stunning achievement to, leaving a bitter taste in everybody's mouth, myself included. It just doesn't seem right to selfishly achieve sporting greatness for yourself, your team and your fans in general.

At first, I tried to compensate for my shortcomings by devoting the goal to larger, vaguer causes - saving Pandas, love and peace, and the good people of the East Midlands. Nobody was interested; they want a face to put to the name. Therefore, before this wonder goal is forgotten, I desperately want to be remembered as the man who brought a smile to little Tommy's face one last time, whoever he may be.

Tommy, if you are out there, please get in touch. Please. You probably don't have long left, so time is of the essence (indeed, if this is going to work out for us both, you won't have long left - time wasters need not apply). All I want is for I, Magnus Tutti-Aarlem to be remembered along side the greats of selfless sporting devotion (people like Zola and Jennifer Capriati), before I leave the English game and return to my beloved homeland, when I finally find out where that is.

Thanking you in advance, my terminally-ill titan.