dark beige

By Karl Howman (Dictating to a secretary)

Some bloke in the pub just said "You know that Karl Howman from off of those Jif adverts? I heard he's totally illiterate".

I said "Back up mate - five things: One, I am Karl Howman. Two, it's not Jif, it's now known as Cif. Three, I advertise Flash, not Cif. Four, what about being in Brush Strokes? Five, what does illiterate mean?"

When this geezer explained that it meant I couldn't read or write, it knocked me right off my perch! It's true you see, but being unable to read or write, I've never even been able to look my condition up in one of them books or on that internet thingy.

People ask me "but how do you learn your lines?" and the answer is - I don't! I just wing it with short soundbites that I have learnt by heart through having someone read them to me and me saying it back. "New Flash Lemon Wipes - does the job, no prob", stuff like that.

It was a bit harder when I starred in the sitcom Babes in the Wood, but even then I got through it by learning through the night, which was why some eagle-eyed viewers might have noticed a few dark rings under my eyes.

It hasn't held me back, really - I've even got a fancy website that my wife's brother helped me with, so that anyone who wants to know more about my guest role in The Bill in 2003 can learn more, and read reviews like "There are some very bad lines which somehow manage to work because of the excellent Karl Howman as Charlie”, which was one of the best I ever got.

Check it out you webheads!

http://www.karlhowman.com/

I wonder what my life would have been like if I had ever bothered to learn to read or write. I might have been Prime Minister by now!