dark beige

With his classic hits Get Carter, The Italian Job, Alfie and Sleuth all already remade for modern American audiences, it seems that Hollywood is getting more and more reliant on the films of Michael Caine’s "golden era". In fact, some analysts are worried that soon enough all of his films will have been remade, and Hollywood may then have to shut down.



Drastic answers to this problem are required. Initial ideas mooted include getting Caine to remake the remakes, so that they can then remake his remake of the remake of his original film.


Another is to invent a time machine and go back to the 1960’s and make Caine work more prolifically, so that now there will be a greater choice of films to remake. "Michael made twenty six films between 1964 and 74", one exec told us. "Sure, he was no slouch, but when you consider that Wesley Snipes made ten films between 1990 and 1993, I’m sure you can see that we could slip in at least another half dozen movies before he was past his prime".





Another prospect is to start remaking any of Caine’s movies, willy nilly. Already a new version of Dirty Rotten Scoundrels starring Mark Wahlberg and Steven Seagal is in production, and there has been talk of remaking the classic Blame it on Rio with Adam Sandler. This would be beneficial, as, along as Caine doesn’t die, there will keep being a constant new stream of movies to remake.





However, some say that this would give Caine too much power: "Suddenly, people are gonna be going crazy wanting to know what the guy’s signed on for, as they might well be in it ten years on. Whatever he does, he’s going to be the most powerful man in Hollywood" said Tom Cruise. "It might even get down to movie bosses bribing him to star in movies that they don’t really have the technical capacity to make yet, just so that the remake will be great."

However, bosses at Paramount have strongly refuted this claim. "No, not at all", one said. "Watch for Michael in Manfish – the story of a human who can turn into a fish and swim through space, at a cinema near you soon".