dark beige

By Clive Swift, who played Richard in Keeping Up Appearances

I don't know if you've noticed it, but recently popular culture has been full of grizzled old timers making a comeback. From Indiana Jones cracking the whip once more at 65 at the cinema, to The Police and Genesis reforming at the stadium, to septuagenarian John McCain running for president and even Robert Mugabe holding on for just a few more years in his dictatorship, the motto seems to be: anything those young folks can do, we can do even better.

Well, I really like this empowering new ethos, and I want to get involved. That's why I'm dusting off the flat cap, cardigan and put-upon frown for another adventure as Richard Bucket, Hyacinth's ass-kicking, totally emasculated husband.



It's been 13 years since I hung up the hat; back then at just 59 I thought I was already getting a little old and tired for all those suburban driving and eye rolling stunts. But now I realise I was just warming up, and it was those ageist 90s that made me think I was past it. I've been down the gym three times a day for the last week, and I'm ready for more action!

I've spoken to Patricia Routledge about reappearing as Hyacinth, but she wasn't keen. Silly bitch has got fat and rich on the royalties from all those Hetty Wainthropp DVDs! But Josephine Tewson and David Griffin, who played hilarious brother-sister act Elizabeth and Emmet, were very keen - indeed I can't get David to stop calling!

Writer Roy Clarke also said he was too busy to get involved this time around, but said he wished me the best of luck. So I've taken that as a blessing for my new, self-penned adventure: Richard Bucket and the Lost Python of Rakamu.

The plot centres around an ancient amulet that Onslow discovers one day in a skip he is raiding for food. Realising it might be worth a bob or two, he shows it to man of the world Richard to evaluate.

Little do either men realise that by doing so, they have massively endangered their lives, as a combination of Nazis, Roman soldiers, prohibition era gangsters and Zulu warriors descend on their quiet suburb, hell bent on grabbing the amulet, and thus gaining control of the world's stock market.

The two are quickly cornered and are about to die, when notoriously musical neighbour Emmet distracts them with a singalong, while Elizabeth drops some crockery nervously, and in the ensuing ruckus, they all escape.

That's all I've got so far, but I reckon the rest should just fall into place. If Harrison Ford can do it, so can I!