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Hollywood: Since a jury acquitted R&B superstar R. Kelly of child pornography charges, ending a high-profile case that began more than six years ago, America's stars have finally realised that no matter what they do, they will always escape serious punishment in the USA's celebrity obsessed judicial system.



R Kelly is just the latest in a long line of celebrities evading punishment, with other stars in major cases including Michael Jackson and OJ Simpson, while young stars Paris Hilton, Nicole Richie and Lyndsay Lohan's jail stretches were so short they became an almost open mockery of the system.




Now some of Hollywood's biggest names are doing whatever they want, confident of not having to do any time. Yesterday George Clooney plowed his top of the range Ferrari into a busy crowd of shoppers in Beverly Hills, killing four, then stopped and posed for photos and autographs with excited witnesses, severely injured victims and star struck cops.



Megastar Madonna got in on the action by tossing a fashionable grenade into a Burger King in Manhattan, and fat funnyman Jack Black abducted two young girls in Bel Air, taunting cops with a hilarious off-the-cuff list of outrageous demands, which had officers, news crews and terrified parents in stitches. "We're worried that if we don't get those poor young girls out soon, the crazy chubby comic might make them laugh to death", a senior police negotiator warned.



Always wanting to keep up with her new A-list pals, Victoria Beckham gathered paparazzi around her before shooting a bazooka at a group of Mexicans, but unfortunately missed.

"It's the latest must have celebrity accessory" says gossip king Perez Hilton, "these days in tinseltown you're nobody if you haven't done something really nasty and walked away laughing".




Some stars attempts have been less well received. Halle Berry was dismissed by bloggers and columnists as "boring" and "uninspired" when she slit a homeless man's throat in Los Angeles, just days after Steven Seagal had set fire to a homeless commune just four blocks away. Former star Corey Feldman was overheard moaning to friends that his sex attacks in Pasadena had hardly got an inch of coverage. And Mariah Carey herself expressed mild regret after her primary school arson attack accidentally killed a young puppy as well as 63 young kids. "I would never do anything to hurt a puppy", she sobbed.

No-one really knows where this new celebrity crime wave will end, but for now Perez Hilton for one says it can only be good for the business. "Things had got so dull and worthy recently. Everyone worried about Britney and Heath Ledger, adopting African babies and shit.



Now this town is buzzing again. We haven't even seen what heavyweights like TomKat and Brangelina are going to do, but you can bet it will be horrifically devastating. Sit back and grab a wine cooler and enjoy!"