dark beige

As Bo Diddley and Yves Saint Laurent die on the same day, spare a thought for the lesser known celeb whose death has been overshadowed.

Remember, for every Mother Theresa and Lady Di, there's a John Ritter and Johnny Cash...

Actor Ritter wrote about the phenomenon for Dark Beige back in 2003...

FUCK YOU, JOHNNY CASH (R.I.P)

By John Ritter, R.I.P




I’m on this earth for 55 years, minding my own business, never doing anything at all to harm you, never even meeting you, and this is how you repay me?

You just couldn’t stand it, could you? Couldn’t stand not being the centre of attention for just one minute. You had to go and be the big shot. You just wouldn’t rest until everyone was going all "Boo hoo! The man in black is dead!"

Well let me tell you something, buddy. These people crying over you are all rednecks – toothless sisterfuckers to a man. Are these really the sort of people you want crying over you?

Either way, did it have to be now? Couldn’t you just die some other time? At least give me one week so I’m clean in the ground before you croak? Do you know how hard it is for a sitcom and TV movie actor to get the plaudits he deserves?

Even in a quiet week, we face an uphill battle to get the world waxing lyrical about how it won’t be the same now the dad from Problem Child is gone. Do you really think there are people sliding World’s Greatest Magic V into their VCR’s with tears in their eyes?

Can you imagine starring in 85 movies, and only a handful be recognisable to even the most ardent movie buff? Do you know how soul crushingly depressing it is to know that the only thing people can remember is that scene in that film where you have a light saber fight with a guy, using your glow-in-the-dark dick as a weapon?

No, you don’t have a clue. You’re a musician. It’s easy for you, you just sing a sad, shitty song and some dumb housewife will love you forever. You wouldn’t understand.

But I just want you to know: I will never ever forgive you for this, redneck.