dark beige

The obese, embittered almost rock icon advises on your dilemmas

Dear Rik,

I have had the hardest life ever. My parents both died when I was very young, and I was sent to live with my Uncle Josef in Austria. He locked me in his basement and kept me there for 30 years, where he regularly molested me, and we even had a child that grew up feral and crazed.

Now I have been released, but I am so depressed and traumatised by what has happened that I almost wish I was still there, where at least I could evade truly thinking about what happened.

What should I do?

Maria, Austria

Dear Maria,

You think you've had it bad. Try wowing the nation with your outsized good looks and amazing vocal skills, only to be denied certain fame by a combination of cruel mother nature (my cold) and pure evil (Simon Cowell, who said I had to withdraw from the competition if I couldn't perform, rather than allow me time to recover).

Then you'll know about true misery, believe me.

Rik

PS: And that fucking Darius

Dear Rik,

Here in Zimbabwe things are really not good. If you dare speak out in any way you risk the very serious threat of a beating, rape and murder. Things are so bad I often consider suicide, but my faith says it is not right. But I still think I might.

Is there anything you can say to stop me going through with it?

Kumwe, Harare

Dear Kumwe,

Darius Danesh may have the so-called matinee good looks, but he does not have a true baritone voice. That's all I'll say. You work the rest out.

Rik

Some amazing stuff here: http://bigrikcouk.brinkster.net/ (Particularly the poems)