dark beige

Everyone's favourite couple review the latest drops of the good stuff from the major supermarkets.





Tesco's Finest Cabernet Sauvignon



Richard: A lot of nostalgia for me, trying to steal this from my old stomping ground, and it didn't disappoint.

Pretend to really study the label, look around quickly to check you're alone, use Judy as a rather large barrier to vision if needs be and voila! It's inside the raincoat and away.

Judy: It'shh lovely. You're lovely.

8/ 10


Touraine Gomet, Waitrose



R: A complete disappointment. Security were simply everywhere at this snooty shop. I tried to distract the guards by offering autographs, but they weren't having any of it. Luckily the African guard did accept the old "I forgot I'd put it there" excuse, but I was still escorted from the premises, empty handed.

J: Mummy? Where's mummy?

2 / 10

Jacob's Creek Sauvignon Blanc, Morrisons



R: Easy peasy stuff, and the slim bottle shape was a wonderful aid to quick pocket stuffing. I wouldn't want to bet on it, but I reckon I could have even got two in there, at a push.

J: I've wet myself. Again.

9 / 10



Lorrisson Chateneuf Du Pape, Sainsbury's



R: The rather flashy label was very eye grabbing, which could be a downer, but its position in a blind spot corner more than made up for this. The smooth glass could be slippery in lesser hands, but no problem for this seasoned professional - in it goes, and off I follow!

J: Do you like me? Please like me.

7 / 10

Somerfield Muscadet



R: This lot wouldn't know security if it bit them on the arse. They have a sign that says cameras are in operation and thieves will be prosecuted, but if you believe that you'll believe I genuinely just forgot it was in my pocket, your honour. A real gem.

J: I think I'm going to be sick. Again.

10 / 10