dark beige

By Thomas Frampton, President of the British Association of Fork Retailers

Recently it seems like British law and order is in total meltdown, as more and more fatal stabbings have occurred on the streets of London, with 18 teenagers murdered this year alone.

Some say that such statistics are just the tip of the iceberg - many more stabbing incidents and non-fatalities are happening every day, so much so that home secretary Jacqui Smith has demanded hospitals start to report all knife-related incidents to police, just as they do with guns.

Everyone seems to have an opinion on what we can do about this epidemic of knife crime; from politicians to police leaders to newspaper columnists and everyone in between. Although opinions massively vary on the exact answer, all seem to agree on one main point: knifes are bad. That much I think we all agree on, but what I'm here to say today is; why is no-one saying forks are good?

Just think about it - society is stuck in a dangerous catch 22 with knife crime: there's so much of it about that kids don't feel safe anymore, and carry a knife for personal protection. But this actually feeds the problem, and people are far more likely to be harmed by their own knife than anyone else's. It's difficult to know what to do.

But with forks, you get the best of both worlds: you get the peace of mind and personal protection afforded by a hand held device with three sharp prongs, but at the same time the assurance that no matter how cack-handed or foolhardy you become when desperately waving the item of cutlery around, you're very unlikely to actually injure yourself.

Have you seen how many serious fork-related injuries there were in the UK in 2006? Put it this way, if you were selling tickets to the injured you'd be talking about the Kentish Town Forum, not the Albert Hall. With knives, you're looking at a week at the O2 arena.

So come on teenagers, put down the knife and pick up the fork, for a sense of personal security combined with the satisfaction of knowing that if you should come across an unmanned free tasting counter at your local Sainsbury's, you could always use it to skewer some lovely halloumi.

Please don't be fooled by spoons. I've heard some of that bullshit the British Spoon Association have been saying, but could you actually imagine trying to stave off a gang of feral chavs with a dessert spoon? You'd be fucked.

So come on everyone, forket about the others, put down your knife, throw away that spoon, and pick a fork.