Posted by Posted by Dark Beige On 08:35

By "Lord" Sebastian Coe

Ever since Friday's "spectacular" opening ceremony in Beijing (come on everyone, it wasn't that good. Anyone can set off a few fireworks and wave around a laser pen), I've been saddened and sickened to hear the tidal wave of whining and whingeing from Britain about how it's made it even harder for the London 2012 opening ceremony to not be shit - "we'll never top that, and we shouldn't even try", "no-one can ever trump that opening without spending an even bigger budget" and so on. Absolute poppycock.

Yeah OK, I'll grant you that the ching chong chinamen sort of pulled something out of the bag. But what makes you think that I, Lord Coe ("Red is for stop, Green is for Coe!") haven't got something even better up my own sleeve?

Well, I have. Anything the Chinese can do, I can do better. Except maybe spring rolls.

By the time people have seen the opening night of the 2012 games, I guarantee that no one will even be able to remember what happened in Beijing.

I know we can up the stakes spectacle wise, while celebrating the best of British on the world stage. It's early days, and I don't want to give too much away, but here are some highlights I'm excited about, that I'm 100% sure can be delivered: 1000 small children - black, brown, yellow and normal, will float in on wires and form in the centre of the stadium to make one giant bowler hat and umbrella - representing London's famous city gentleman stereotype.

A GIANT red telephone box, two miles high, will then be wheeled in, embossed with flashing lights. The huge receiver will ring, eventually to be answered by a large mechanical representation of Richard "Dickie" Attenborough, but when he answers the phone with an old, camp hello, he'll quickly be put on hold (that classic British sense of humour coming into play!).

But I doubt that giant Dickie and the huge global audience will really mind - when the Beatles' classic Eleanor Rigby rings out as the hold music!

But the centrepiece of it all, the moment that jaws will truly hit the floor as everyone realises just what a forward thinking, cutting edge sci-fi nation we really are, is when I emerge triumphanty from the floor of the stadium - and people gasp as they realise my body has been melded with science and robots and stuff.

I mean I'm literally some kind of cyborg - half human former Olympic legend, half shiny robot, all ambassador for the 2012 games. Not so much RoboCop as RoboSeb. Truly spectacular.

All of this, I might add, to a blistering duet by Tunde from the Lighthouse Family and Mick "Simply" Hucknall!

Then we'll see how great China's overhyped Olympic rings made of dust and weird miming little girl look in hindsight.


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