I am best known and loved for my one-liners in my action movies. Like when in Commando I killed an enemy posing as a fellow airline passenger, then told the hostess "Please don't wake my friend...he's dead tired", or when in Total Recall my murderous bitch of a fake wife tried to plead for her life by reminding me we were married, and as I blew her away, I icily quipped "consider that a divorce".
Later when in 2003 I successfully ran for election as the "Governator" of California, I often incorporated such lines into my campaign, which came to a head when on walkabout some angry jerkwad threw an egg at me, hitting me on my shoulder.
As you can imagine, flecks of yolk on a strong manly oak of the people is not a good look - unless you can wipe it away with a great one-liner, which I did, quipping that "that guy owes me bacon".
It was such a good comeback that I was still on top, and it made me look even better than ever, like I could deliver fast, funny comebacks in real life, just like in my movies. People were impressed.
What no one knew is, I had already prepared that line, months before. I had been warned that I may not be universally liked by everyone, a fact I naturally found hard to believe, but still listened to. Knowing that many great leaders like England's John Major had suffered eggings on public walkabouts, I slyly thought about what I might say if it happened, and walked around relaxed.
I had also prepared for a beautiful girly with big boobies to burst out of the crowd and reveal her chest to me, with the line "she should get three votes!", but it wasn't to be (shame).
Now I prepare one liners for almost any situation I might ever find myself in, just to be sure. Not just day to day stuff, but crazy situations too. I don't know why, but I'm always expecting the worst - near death scenarios that would greatly endanger my life. My wife says I should stop watching the Final Destination movies all the time, but I love them!
Here are some recent lines I have written, and the situations that would cause them:
- A man throws black coffee in my wife's face: "She takes milk, buddy"
- A child cheekily pulls down his pants in front of me: "Belt up, kid"
- An electrical pylon suddenly collapses in front of me, almost causing death: "They really like to pylon the pressure in this job"
- An award winning dog goes crazy and tries to bite me: "I thought he was my pedigree chum"
- A truck piles into a school library, killing all the young kids inside: "Maybe ignorance really is bliss "
- A crazed terrorist tries to detonate a watch full of explosives next to me: "Talk about a terror wrist"
- And many more...
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