dark beige

Using an empty lager can as a makeshift pipe, I certainly won't repeatedly suck in fumes from burning crystals of crack cocaine. During the nightmare trip I won't interrupt my frenzied drug-taking only to flick through the pages of a stack of pornographic magazines.

It won't be true to say that one stage, my eyes rolling wildly, I'll appear to slip into a stupor - my mouth opening and closing wordlessly as I grip a head rest for support.

As if I, a married dad of three, would buy £600 of crack from my regular drug dealer! And I definitely won't be wanking off in the back to sex lines. No sir.

Come on, please someone give me a lift. Quick. Please.