dark beige

With celebrity "shoe bomber" Richard Reid




Clarks Vanguard - On the dancefloor, these shoes may get the ladies panting, but on the Boeing airbus, they should get them running for their doomed lives! Breathable and deceptively spacious under the toes, there's plenty of room for explosives, while the detailed stitching shows Allah you really care.



Churchills Boot - This season is all about strong, masculine looks, and this boot has style and old world macho power in spades, but they are not very roomy and in all honesty even if you slip a very small bomb under the arch of your foot you may still find it uncomfortable to walk on in those last vital steps before you meet Allah.



Paul Smith White Loafers - This shoe is something of a mixed bag: on the one hand it is very tight, particularly around the top of the foot, and everyone knows how unforgiving white can be when you've piled on a few pounds (of semtex) - right, girls? Also, I can't help but feel their gaudiness often attracts attention, so I'm not too keen. However, they do have an easy to pull off elastacity at the heel and look wonderful with a bootcut pair of slacks.




Fred Perry Plimsolls - Easy lace action and a comfortable, breathable fabric (ideal for those tense moments when the staff at Washington Dulles contemplate whether to give you a closer inspection). The crimson logo motif is finely stitched and should remind you of your bloody destiny whenever you look down. Fabulous.



Old smelly trainers - I don't want to get all the fashion bloggers' knickers in a twist, but when it comes to concealing explosives in a shoe on a major commercial flight, you just can't beat a faithful old pair of crappy trainers, perhaps Hi-Tec or Gola, that you bought in 1998 but still wear because they're so comfy. These old classics become like a second skin - skin that hopefully will be burning in excrutiating pain before too long!

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