Sex-tarian violence! Catholics and Protestants come together to spit roast young boy in the Garvaghy Road!
Northern Ireland: Both sides of the religious and political divide came together today to ceremonially enjoy group sex with a young agnostic boy (avoiding any of the political fallout that would result from the boy coming from either side of the sectarian divide), with the aim of the two deeply opposed sides reaching some kind of new found level of understanding, as they vigorously invade the boy's dignity.
"The idea of this event is that we feel the benefits on a number of different levels", organiser Seamus O Donnelly explained. "Firstly, the two sides get to 'come together', quite literally, as they enjoy sharing the young boy, sort of breaking bread as they break him in. We realised that the two sides only ever meet at very serious and high powered political conversations, so that they never really get a chance to relax together and slowly reveal their true selves. We hope that by offering both hardcore Catholics like Gerry Adams and staunch Protestants like Ian Paisley the chance to let loose with this lovely little fella, we can gently get them talking about more serious political issues in a more relaxed way.
Secondly, these guys are all proud alpha male types - they love a bit of healthy competition. By introducing the young agnostic boy into the mix, we soon discovered that the Catholics and Protestants had started to goad each other on internet messageboards about which religion would manage to convert the unbelieving lad to their beliefs through the sheer power of their frenzied bumming".
Some even say that they noticed Paisley and Adams sharing a brief sly smile as they spit roasted the boy over the top of a wall that divides the Catholic and Protestant sides; both men standing on the top of step ladders, with crowds of paramilitary soldiers watching and cheering them on on both sides, some still wearing balaclavas to disguise their identity as they whooped and hollered.
Political commentators generally agree that the day was a reasonable success. "Rome wasn't built in a day", one said, "but nevertheless it was great to see the two sides laughing together for the first time. This is an important first step in reinvigorating the peace process."
As for who won the wager on which way the poor buggered lad would go, religion wise - which creed he would subscribe to in the wake of his terrible torment from both sides of the troubles (giving him "troubles" of his own), life threw up another crazy curve ball when it was revealed that Brendan O Shea, the twelve-year-old ecumenical sex attack victim, has turned to Islam. "Death to the western infidels", he vowed.
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