Hello, I’m Paul Dacre, editor of the Daily Mail and newly appointed freedom fighter. A bit like Che Guevara. If he was some sort of undead jungle Nazi.
By publishing intimate details of blameless celebrities private lives I keep my newspapers circulation up, and if the circulation’s up then I can still also cover corruption, scandal and all that other boring shit that has nothing to do with how much we’d like to slip Amanda Platell the full four inches.
Here are my top three pieces of inconsequential snooping that have given me the circulation needed to investigate, tedious, non-nude political stuff and stop all society sliding into the abyss (Like abroad):
Here are my top three pieces of inconsequential snooping that have given me the circulation needed to investigate, tedious, non-nude political stuff and stop all society sliding into the abyss (Like abroad):
1. Fern Britten is too fat!
If I hadn’t printed an almost sexually obsessive number of photos of Fern Britten and her fat body I would never have had the circulation to print the story about how Gordon Brown was wasting tax payers money on sensitivity training for nig nogs.
2. Posh Spice is too thin
What the fuckety fuck is wrong with women? Jesus I hate them. If only being gay wasn’t such a black and white sin… ho hum. If we don’t put a picture of Victoria Beckham in every single paper and laugh at her legs or face or tits then I wouldn’t have the readership needed to conduct our Mail On Sunday investigation into how Gordon Brown was wasting tax payers money constructing a golden statute of a notorious homosexual Joe Orton. In a primary school. Fucking sick..
3. Look at Lorraine Kelly’s tits. Whoah!
If I didn’t semi-regularly have articles about Lorraine Kelly’s smashing bazoomahs then no one would be paying attention when we did a hard hitting story about how Gordon Brown is wasting tax payers money letting a black man live in a house without so much as a by-your-leave.
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