dark beige

By Ralph Macchio

Like everyone else in this world, I've been caught up by sequel fever. Indiana Jones, Die Hard, Zorro...it seems that the longer you leave it between movies, the better the result. Who wants to see a sequel 2-3 years after the last, when the film might still be relevant to popular culture, when you can wait 10-20 and re-introduce your classic work to a new generation?

There's also the little matter of the so-called "credit crunch" and the fact that the bank's about to foreclose on the mortgage on my house in Santa Monica, and my wife is going to leave me, and take the kids.

So, for these two equally valid reasons, I think that it's time the powers that be at Paramount get on the phone to arrange a meeting to discuss The Karate Kid, Part 4. Let's make this thing happen!

Now, I know what some of you might be thinking, in your negative way:


a) Aren't you a little old to still be playing the karate kid?

No, absolutely not. I first played 16 year old Danny Larusso when I was already 22, so I've always been used to playing younger. Yes, some snipey critics alleged that I already looked way too old to play Danny just a year later after 5 years had actually passed in 1989's Part 3, but those guys need to get a girlfriend or something. I may now be 47 years old, but I still look young and sprightly, and can still perform the crane kick from certain, close-up angles.



LIKE ONLY A DAY HAD PASSED

It's not as if I'm not suggesting we don't allow for the passing of time within the movie, to allow for my 20 years of further aging; I suggest we pick up the action three years later, when Danny goes off to college, but again finds himself the target of ridiculously vindictive bullies.

b) Didn't Mr Miyagi die?


A CLOSE MALE PAL

No, you ignoramus, he didn't; the guy who played Miyagi died. Sadly Noriyuki 'Pat' Morita did pass on in 2005, but that doesn't mean there aren't ways he could still return: maybe by getting another Asian guy who looks similar to do it (George Takei?), or using cutting edge technology to recreate Pat by re-using footage from other roles, or both.

Come on, this is Hollywood - anything is possible!

c) Wasn't there already a fourth Karate Kid movie?


TOTAL HORSESHIT

If you seriously think that some shitty chick flick with Hilary Swank (1994's The Next Karate Kid) can possibly be counted among the Karate Kid canon, you're seriously deluded. I'll tell you one thing for free, no one knows this - Pat Morita was ashamed of ever taking that role. I think maybe it was the guilt of betraying me that killed him.

I really don't think any of these so-called "problems" hold water. So watch out film fans, for The Karate Kid Part 4 - coming soon!

Update: Life sort of imitated art: http://www.bollywoodondemand.com/news/40804/karate-kid-ralph-macchio-slams-plans-for-remake.html