dark beige

It's been three and a half long years since North London engineering assistant Maxwell Ward left the Big Brother house to a familiar chorus of boos and catcalls.

But as he left the compound in Elstree in a blacked out people carrier, few could have realised that the cheeky cockney chancer was not in fact sloping off for a life of quiet suburban failure and impotent rage; he was actually being whisked away to a top government laboratory by senior boffins to help find a cause for killer disease CANCER. The seemingly ordinary bloke, who once claimed that "exercise was for muppets", says he hid his amazing skills from housemates and the media for fear of being bullied, which in hindsight was probably a good idea.

Now finally, he has emerged from his self-imposed exile from the entertainment world to reveal that he has found a cure. "It's blinding, geezer", he gushed, while winking at female reporters and doing that "pouring loads of imaginary pints down his neck" motion that Gazza used to do.





Maxwell's former housemate and girlfriend Saskia Howard-Clarke, who he famously described as "off the hook", sadly died last year trying to find a new way to stamp out polio, but the star is not the first to leave the house with a dream of making the world a better place...




Federico Martone from Big Brother 4 designed the world's first 100% solar powered water purifier in 2005, then gave the patent away for free to the people of Uganda. "I just wanna help", he said.




Science from Big Brother 6 was the first man from Leeds to make a significant breakthrough in time travel theory, and believes man will be able to travel back and forth within a week by the end of 2011.



Chanelle Hayes from Big Brother 8 has made massive breakthroughs in the field of biogenetic research, with particular attention to the area of cardio-vascular regeneration.



But sadly Alex Sibley from Big Brother 3 still has not been able to find a cure for AIDS. "I ain't giving up yet!", he gamely vowed.