dark beige

Hi, I’m Alan Hudd, the notorious serial killer. You’ve probably heard of me. I killed over 40 men, women and children in the states of North Dakota, Minnesota and Idaho between March 1999 and October 2004.

Now I’m on death row, awaiting execution any day. This is undoubtedly the end for me; my lawyers keep saying that they can try one final appeal but we all know that it’s never going to happen!But before I leave this earth, there’s something I’ve got to make clear to everyone: something that needs to be said. What? No, I’m not going to apologise for my crimes. So I brutally butchered a few kids. Boo hoo; go tell it to your mama!

No, what has greatly upset me is that some people have described my pattern of murders as "seemingly random, with no prior thought". Not true at all! Throughout my homicidal time, I always strived to be as even-handed and racially inclusive as possible. For too long now, serial killings have been far too exclusive in approach: "X only beheaded Jews", "Y always murdered white women" etc – get out of the dark ages!

Attitudes like that should have been left behind back in the 1960’s! No, what we need is a more progressive approach to multiple murders, taking into account all the wonderful colours of people who stand on our great earth. And I won’t shy away from saying it: If that means positive discrimination and the dreaded ‘quota system" then so be it!

But in my own career, such measures were never needed. I strangled a black girl in Minneapolis, set fire to a young Bangladeshi immigrant in Fargo and sodomised a rabbi in St Paul’s, alongside the countless white victims I encountered. My attitude has always been one of tolerance - as Shakespeare put it, "If you prick us, do we not bleed?" (Yes, very heavily – try cleaning it off leather some time!)

In fact, racial diversity can really liven up a serial killer’s work – you never know what you’re going to see next. And what’s more, some of my best victims were black. Some people think black people would be too tough to show you they’re scared, but believe you me, when you get out that chainsaw, the piss will be running down their leg as fast as any Caucasian!

So come on, serial killers of the world! I implore you - start killing across racial barriers for all our children’s futures. Thank you.