PETER ANDRE GOES ON SCHOOL SHOOTING RAMPAGE, SHOUTING "I LOVE THOSE KIDS!"
Celibate Cypriot pop hunk Peter Andre went on the rampage at a primary school in Sussex this morning, leaving 15 children dead and several others injured, before he was killed in a shootout with police.
The "Insania" star entered the school in Hayward Heath, a town of 57,000 near Brighton, at about 9.30am (8.30am GMT) and began firing.
Dressed in black combat gear, he killed nine students and three teachers at the school, as well as one person at a nearby clinic, before fleeing in a car. As he systematically stalked and killed his young prey, Andre could be hears loudly shouting "I love those kids!" and singing smooth vocal harmonies. At one point he was heard by a witness who escaped muttering "Got to lay that one down in the studio, mate".
A video released on the star's personal website that morning saw a visibly upset Pete reveal the motives behind his attack - his love of childen Junior, Princess and Harvey, and his anxiety that the schoolkids might one day bully them or harm them in some way. Also, the strain of having stayed celibate for almost a year, which is understandable.
Sussex police said that they would normally want to take Andre in for immediate incarceration, but they really felt for the guy everyone has dubbed "Saint Peter" and instead recommended he just got some rest and stayed away from that bitch Jordan.
Peter will be revealing the REAL reasons why he did it, only in this week's OK! magazine.
ONLY IN THE SUN: VINNIE JONES' £400 SOCK SPEAKS!
The interview they all wanted - the pricey sock that made the nation rock.
Lifting the lid on his cheesy footed hell, the tormented hosiery reveals:
- He bullied me relentlessly too
- He made me pretend I was an Oscar so he could carry me around and make long winded, bitter acceptance speeches
- He kept namedropping "Bobby" DeNiro, "Dusty" Hoffman and "Al" Pacino.
- He once wanked into me while watching Babestation
- His feet stink
- He's got bunions
- I slept with his teenage daughter - I accidentally got into her duvet in the laundry.
- And much more!
I'VE GOT MUSCULAR DISS TROPHY
"We present you with this trophy for services to mocking people's muscles"
SIMPLE JACK
Jordan famously said that rapists should be raped. Well guess what happened to me last night...
DARK BEIGE RADIO - PODCAST 17: 2020 VISION
Final podcast of series 1 - the past and the future discussed
MY FAVOURITE THINGS, WITH "SAINT" PETER ANDRE
He really loves those kids!
Favourite Film: Kids
Favourite Musicians: Kid Cudi or Kid N Play. Or the Utah Saints. Or All Saints.
Favourite Team: Got to be the New Orleans Saints
Favourite Fashion Label: All Saints
Favourite Model: Jodie Kidd
Favourite Chess Move: The Kings Indian Defence (KID) Move
CELEBRITY BIG BROTHER - THE HOUSEMATES IN A WORD
Swede
Cunt
Rape
Whatever
GILF
Closet
Croydon
Burns
Boy
Kneesocks
Jordan