Posted by Posted by Dark Beige On 12:53

New Boy Band Here to Save the British Music Industry

Record label BMG seems to have found an answer to pop music's decline - a brand new boy band with world appeal; the great white hopes of British pop. The idea for the group came about through a brainstorming session, as a team of workers tried to work out what it was people from abroad liked about England and the English.

"We couldn’t believe it when we suddenly stumbled upon it"; said Pete Smith, head of development, "someone asked who the two most popular Englishmen in the world were, and when we looked at the answer – Hugh Grant and Prince Harry, we knew we’d found something".

From that small acorn has grown the oak that is Sloane – a brand new boy band hailing from southwest London, who are set to take the world by storm when they release their first single "She’s my Putney Girl" next month.

These four guys, aged between 18 and 23, have it all – the chinos, the business shirts worn casually with sleeves rolled up, the deck shoes, those slightly red cheeks that prove they’re posh.

So lets meet the guys!

Sporty Sloane: First up we have Tristan, the natural leader of the group. Tristan likes rugby and cricket and works in the city. He is good natured, trustworthy and reliable, and often wears a Barbour jacket.

Cute Sloane: Harry is the youngest member of the band, at just 18. The mischievous little scamp wants to work in property development – but needs to pass his A-levels first!

Cunt Sloane: Next up is Jamie, a cuddly bear. Jamie is a lawyer, lives in Fulham, and enjoys being an obnoxious cunt.

Quiet Sloane: Tarquin is the quiet one – he lets his oars do the talking down at Putney embankment! Tarquin is initially shy around women, until he’s had a few drinks - then he’ll try and give them a fireman’s lift.

Everyone expects Putney Girl, an up tempo vocal harmony tune, to be a big hit. Tears on my Chinos, a ballad that shows us their sensitive side, will follow that in August. This will help promote the album, Wax (Jacket) Lyrical, that analysts are already predicting will go platinum.

The reason so much is expected of Sloane is that all levels of society love them. Focus groups have shown that when faced with these four hunks of Sloaney love, burger-faced council estate harridans also go weak at the knees. "I’d fuck him," said Donna Cartwright, 13, between bites of her Gregg’s cheese and onion slice, when shown a picture of Tristan.


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