Posted by Posted by Dark Beige On 23:09

By The Terminator

I know I should be looking forward to going back in time again, but I’m just not. Frankly, I don’t even want to go. Every time I think I am going to have a good time I have to save that asshole John Connor’s life again! I’m sick of it! I just want to chill out, grab a pizza, watch a movie, regular stuff. Don’t forget that this is also a holiday for me.

Imagine living in a world with no sun light, no women to look at, no fast food. That place is hell! Then imagine you get to go back in time to a world where it is sunny, and all the girls have nice big boobies and they give you special looks because you are a great big oak of a man! It is the best feeling ever! And then imagine that every time you think you’re about to start having some fun for once, you have to go on some stupid job to save some little punk’s life! It’s not fair!

First time I was here, at least I got to kick some ass. I only had to track down some puny woman, but she had back up! I don’t know how, but they defeated me! And all I had wanted to do was check out a baseball game, maybe catch an episode of The Scarecrow and Mrs King.

Actually, looking back, things were a little gay back then so the unflinching stalking and killing was kind of OK.

But when I came back a few years later, I was really looking forward to just letting my hair down. The nineties were just starting, and everywhere, people were re-discovering colour in their lives. The Berlin wall tumbled down and Afro-American hightops grew up – it was a crazy age.

I remember wolfing down (it still pains me to say that word as it reminds me of asking Janine about Wolfie – more goddamn work when I should have been having fun) a Burger King and watching this great sitcom called The Fresh Prince of Bel Air, it was all about this hilarious black boy whose colourful, outlandish ways got him into all sorts of mishaps when he was upped and moved to California by his mother. Back east, his crazy ways were fine, but amongst the stuffed shirts of Bel Air, Will really stuck out a mile!

Just as I was thinking how great life was in the nineties, and all the great shows I could look forward to seeing, such as Dr Quinn, Medicine Woman, The Arsenio Hall Show and Twin Peaks, I have to rush over to some mall to save that asshole Connor from being killed! I didn’t mind because I thought I’d be back in time to catch a late movie on cable, but you know how it is – by the time I’d stopped to think, I was melting in a vat of liquid metal, sticking my thumb up at the world.

And now I just know that this time is going to be the same again! Why don’t they just send me early so I can enjoy a quick vacation before I have to work? Everyone knows that you are freshest after a break! This time I am being sent to 1997, where I predict that I won’t get any time to myself at all, and it was such a bumper year for entertainment too!

Harrison Ford thrilled crowds in not one but two great movies – The Devil’s Own and Air Force One, while Jurassic Park returned for a much-anticipated sequel. And wouldn’t you just know it? That little black boy who caused me so much happiness seven years earlier in Fresh Prince was now a big strong man, starring in the box-office mega-hit Men In Black.

But will I get to see any of this? Will I get to find out what happens in Friends, series 4, or hear Puff Daddy’s tear jerking lament for his slain buddy, I’ll be Missing You?

No, I’ll be running around Los Angeles like some asshole, wearing a leather jacket, shooting people in the leg. It makes me sick!

That is all I have to say. Chill out, dickwad.


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