dark beige

From former rock star and personality Paul Gadd, also known as "leader of the gang" Gary Glitter, the rabble rousing sex case, to Ronnie Wood, the Rolling Stones' member, who's recently run off with a young Russian girl.



Ronnie, I've been there myself, but believe me when I say you're just embarrassing yourself.

By Paul Gadd

Ronnie, Ronnie, Ronnie...what are we going to do with you? You've gone and done it again, haven't you? Gone and done the silly thing we rock legends always do - gone and got "tempted by the fruit of another" as Squeeze put it - with the fruit always being very young, and very ripe, if you know what I mean.

Except that's the thing - the place where your latest crazy booze-fuelled dalliance has really let you down - your fruit isn't even that fresh. In fact, I reckon if it was on sale down at Tesco, it would be reduced to 50p (from over a pound, to put it in context), as it's about to go off (and not in the "Gary Glitter has just arrived on stage" sense!).

Enough of these confusing fruit metaphors - what I'm trying to say is - (Can I use this many dashes in one sentence, you ask? Yes I can, 'cos I'm the leader of the gang!), what I'm trying to say is - what the fuck are you doing with that old hag? You've really let yourself - and rock and roll, down.


DISHONEST: THUMBSUCKING IS JUST INSINCERE AND PATRONISING AT HER OLD AGE

It was bad enough when I first heard the reports that your Russian bird was 18, coupled with the painfully explicit snaps of her withered old body - I was so disgusted, I nearly fell right off my (prison) chair. But then a few days later my worst suspicions were confirmed - the old bitch was actually 20! (I knew she had too many wrinkles!)

Come on Ronnie - what's going on? As a member of that elite bunch of old time rebels The Stones, I would have thought you could have conned some naive 13-year-old into bed by now, like your admirable old pal Bill Wyman - and what's more, with your huge personal fortune from all those reunion tours, surely someone much, much younger is just a phone call and a few credit card details away.

Which makes it all the sadder to see you embarrassing yourself like this. I blame the booze of course - it's a sickness. When you're in the grip of a serious addiction, like yours to alcohol and mine to sexy children, you can't trust your own instincts - you're vulnerable, and people play upon that weakness. Why do you think I'm still here in Vietnam? It ain't for the food, reasonably priced and generally tasty as it is.


WATCH OUT! MICKEY MOUSE T-SHIRT IS A REAL TURN-ON, BUT SHE'S AN OLD HAG

You've fallen off the wagon - but the best thing you could do is throw that old shrew under the wheels of the nearest wagon you can find - the articulated kind, dig out the Wagon Wheels and get down the nearest park to meet some new friends.

I'm here for you mate, whenever you need me - "come on, come on" and give me a call.