THE GUARDIAN LAYS OFF 600 STAFF
"Now that The Wire has ended, we're severly overstaffed", a source said.
CAN WE DROP THE "NEW" TAG NOW PLEASE?
By new potatoes
Come on, I've been around for years now. I'm mature. But this whole "new" thing keeps holding me back.
I find it a bit patronising, actually.
FRENCH KISS
Un dieu t'a donné le rock,
T'a donné le rock,
Mis lui dans l'âme de chacunun
Dieu t'a donné le rock
T'a donné le rock
Rock sauvé pour chacun
X FACTOR JUDGES CAUGHT UP IN NIGHTCLUB TOILET FRACAS
Apparently the four judges were all attending a party at the Boujis nightclub, and all simultaneously chose to freshen up at the club's unisex toilets.
An African toilet attendant was there to offer the stars face towels, fragrances and lollipops. Not knowing who the famous four were, the Lagos born attendant happily belted out his own acapella take on Bob Marley's One Love, bringing the celebrity-filled washroom to a standstill.
Apparently Cowell just stood there and smiled, transfixed, before telling the attendant Henry Akwongu, 36, that he didn't know why, but he liked him. He then asked for a hand towel, squirted some Jean Paul Gaultier cologne, and tossed a crisp tenner into his tray. Louis took the talented attendant into a cubicle for a few frenzied minutes, returning to the group looking dishevelled and gently sobbing.
Danni Minogue said nothing, almost as if she wasn't there, before Cheryl Cole proved true to form by violently attacking and racially abusing Henry.
I COULD HAVE A HUGE COMEBACK AT ANY TIME (MASSIVE TERRORIST ATROCITY ALLOWING)
By Aaron Barshak, the briefly famous "comedy terrorist"
Think back to June 2003, that long hot summer when I hilariously gained worldwide notoriety after gate crashing Prince William’s twenty-first birthday party, looking like Osama Bin Laden in drag, the basis of my whole amazing act.
THE SALAD DAYS
After that I went on a three month non-stop roller coaster of the occasional press interview and two stage shows at that year’s Edinburgh Comedy Festival, not to mention "constant writing" based around my comedy terrorist persona.
Then sadly the worked dried up, as people failed to find a needy unfunny comic in a silly terrorist beard as funny as they should have done. I became burnt out after all the great writing and performing I'd been doing. It wasn't as easy as you'd think to constantly come up with more ways that terrorism could be a bit funny, but in a fairly non-threatening, light entertainment style. And worse of all, without a major recent atrocity to cling to, work soon stopped.
I thought the July 7 bombs in 2005 would lead to the phone ringing off the hook, but all I got was an offer to appear on The Farm, which was even below me. My theory is that the more tawdry small-town British terrorists had taken the creepy Middle Eastern sheen off Islamic terrorism, so vital for my casual racism.
But I promise I'll be back, as soon as true international terror strikes again. One of the great things is that no-one knows what the next six months might bring, terrorism-wise. For all we know, we might have another September 11th tomorrow (or September 30th, to be exact). The amount of material that could give me is almost endless!
So come on Osama...do your worst!
I LOVE MYSELF, JAY KAY TELLS THE PRESS
London - Jamiroquai singer Jay Kay, the so-called "cat in the hat" today called a dramatic press conference at the Dorchester Hotel to announce to the press for the first time what many have suspected for years - the Ealing-born funk sensation is deeply in love - with himself.
"It's true, I've found the love of my life", he revealed, "the best person I've ever known, an absolutely amazing, perfect God of a man". The star fought back tears as he gushed about himself; "someone who has brought so much joy to so many people. I just knew from the very first moment I laid eyes on my reflection that I was the one".
The celebrity singer says that it was fear of prejudice that stopped him from going public with the romance a long time ago - "some people think that this kind of narcissistic self-love is sick", he said, "but they're the sick ones. Our love is beautiful; it builds me up and makes me the man I am. That's why I do all that funky dancing; to impress myself, and why I fight those paparazzi when I get jealous that they're looking at me / my bird".
JUST CALL ME "ANDERSON"
By Gary Anderson, formerly known as "Angry Anderson"
Hi there. I'm Gary Anderson, born on 5 August 1947 in Melbourne to an Australian father and Mauritian mother. I first came to notice as the singer with Buster Brown, a band I fronted between 1973 and 1975.
Then I joined the band Rose Tattoo, recording 6
studio albums until disbanding the group in 1987, by which time I was the only member remaining from the first touring line-up. By this time I had established myself as an advocate on social issues and made regular appearances on the TV program A Current Affair as a human interest reporter. In 1987 I had my biggest hit when the ballad "Suddenly" from the Beats from a Single Drum album was used as the wedding theme for the episode of Neighbours where popular characters Scott and Charlene married. The track reached #1 in Australia and # 3 in Britain.
In the early years of the 2000s I participated in and organised a string of charity events. In 2002 I played with former members of The Angels at the Bali Relief concert in Perth, held in aid of victims of the Bali bombs. I'm also heavily involved in the work of the Dunn Lewis Youth Development Foundation, which is a lasting legacy of two of the 88 Australian lives lost in the bombings.
I'm just much more chilled out these days; so much so that I've dropped the "angry" moniker. If I was to see Scott and Charlene marry now, I don't think I could raise more than a mild temper as I belted out "Suddenly" - it's funny how times change, as back in 87, I was ready to kill a man.
Even when I talk about those Muslim immigrants, I'm merely "Irate Anderson" - honest.
DIRTY DEN
When the cameras stop rolling on hit BBC Two show, Dragons Den, all five of the multi-millionaire business people involved like to have a massive orgy, a mole revealed.
"I was shocked, horrified and aroused to see what they get up to", our source said. "On the telly the Dragons seem so professional, and austere. They can be quite intimidating. But when they're letting their hair down, things soon change. Duncan Bannatyne breaks out the scotch, and starts drinking hard, while James Caan, who is a Muslim, chooses poppers instead, which apparently his religion allows.
Peter Jones starts loosening his clothes and exploring his body while he watches himself in a mirror, and Theo Paphitis gets quite crude and lewd, saying he's more interested in hymen than Ryman right now. But it's Deborah you've really got to watch out for; she gets very sexual and vocal ("I'll tell you where I am right now - I'm naked"), and as the only female dragon (allegedly), she's never short of attention from the guys.
Soon, they're playing weird sex games where each Dragon crosses the line of the Den and makes a pitch for what they'd like to do to the others, with the more sordid always doing better. Just like when they're talking business, the Dragons are hard to please. I remember one time Theo suggested them all doing a golden shower on Peter's face, only to be shouted off as 'boring' by Duncan, who you'd have thought would like degrading his fiercest rival."
WWE VETERAN WRESTLES WITH HIS CONSCIENCE AFTER SEEING A COLLEAGUE ABUSING STEROIDS
"Take that, conscience!"
ARNOLD SHWARZENEGGER WRITING LIST OF EMERGENCY ONE-LINERS
I am best known and loved for my one-liners in my action movies. Like when in Commando I killed an enemy posing as a fellow airline passenger, then told the hostess "Please don't wake my friend...he's dead tired", or when in Total Recall my murderous bitch of a fake wife tried to plead for her life by reminding me we were married, and as I blew her away, I icily quipped "consider that a divorce".
Later when in 2003 I successfully ran for election as the "Governator" of California, I often incorporated such lines into my campaign, which came to a head when on walkabout some angry jerkwad threw an egg at me, hitting me on my shoulder.
As you can imagine, flecks of yolk on a strong manly oak of the people is not a good look - unless you can wipe it away with a great one-liner, which I did, quipping that "that guy owes me bacon".
It was such a good comeback that I was still on top, and it made me look even better than ever, like I could deliver fast, funny comebacks in real life, just like in my movies. People were impressed.
What no one knew is, I had already prepared that line, months before. I had been warned that I may not be universally liked by everyone, a fact I naturally found hard to believe, but still listened to. Knowing that many great leaders like England's John Major had suffered eggings on public walkabouts, I slyly thought about what I might say if it happened, and walked around relaxed.
I had also prepared for a beautiful girly with big boobies to burst out of the crowd and reveal her chest to me, with the line "she should get three votes!", but it wasn't to be (shame).
Now I prepare one liners for almost any situation I might ever find myself in, just to be sure. Not just day to day stuff, but crazy situations too. I don't know why, but I'm always expecting the worst - near death scenarios that would greatly endanger my life. My wife says I should stop watching the Final Destination movies all the time, but I love them!
Here are some recent lines I have written, and the situations that would cause them:
- A man throws black coffee in my wife's face: "She takes milk, buddy"
- A child cheekily pulls down his pants in front of me: "Belt up, kid"
- An electrical pylon suddenly collapses in front of me, almost causing death: "They really like to pylon the pressure in this job"
- An award winning dog goes crazy and tries to bite me: "I thought he was my pedigree chum"
- A truck piles into a school library, killing all the young kids inside: "Maybe ignorance really is bliss "
- A crazed terrorist tries to detonate a watch full of explosives next to me: "Talk about a terror wrist"
- And many more...
ONE FOR THE NERDS
"I've got something I need to calculate, but I also want to dance.
I'd better use an Al Gore rhythm"
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Algorithm
CAN ANYONE GIVE ME A LIFT TO LONDON?
By Craig Charles
Can anyone give me a lift to London? I promise I'll be good as gold.
Please, I promise I won't take an extraordinary 60 hits of the highly-addictive Class A drug, crack, as I travel south after finishing work.
Using an empty lager can as a makeshift pipe, I certainly won't repeatedly suck in fumes from burning crystals of crack cocaine. During the nightmare trip I won't interrupt my frenzied drug-taking only to flick through the pages of a stack of pornographic magazines.
It won't be true to say that one stage, my eyes rolling wildly, I'll appear to slip into a stupor - my mouth opening and closing wordlessly as I grip a head rest for support.
As if I, a married dad of three, would buy £600 of crack from my regular drug dealer! And I definitely won't be wanking off in the back to sex lines. No sir.
Come on, please someone give me a lift. Quick. Please.
SCOTTISH FOOTBALL LEAGUE COLLAPSES UNDER THE WEIGHT OF ITS OWN POINTLESSNESS
"But what about Saturday's exciting match up between old rivals Kilmarnock and Dun-zzzzzz", a spokesman slept.
MEDIEVAL WARRIOR BRAVELY ENTERS DRAGON'S DEN
"I'm here today to ask for 2000 sheckles for a 40% equity share in my maiden rescuing business"
COMING SOON TO BBC TWO: BRUCE PARRY'S AMAZON UK
"My God, it's incredible! I can get The Goonies on DVD for 3.99!"
