DARK BEIGE IS GETTING MARRIED
Off for three weeks. Back in December for more jokes about paedos, Lilt and Cadfael.
WORKING CLASS BUOY DONE GOOD
"I came from nothing in the East End of London. Now I float about in the sea all day, carefree"
THIS WEEK IN ZOO! PHWOAR, GET A LOAD OF KAREN MATTHEWS!
In her FIRST sexy shoot, check out Dewsbury's biggest babe!
She tried to hide Shannon, and she fires off men's cannons!
She fancied a hunky cop, and she's pulling down her top!
She's a naughty babe who hid her kid, now look what the honey did!
We couldn't get Foxy Knoxy, but Karen ain't so poxy!
THE BURNING QUESTION: IF YOU HAD TO SHIT YOURSELF, WHERE WOULD YOU MOST LIKE TO DO IT?
R Kelly, singer: "Just not sure, man. Now if you'd have said piss, I'd have had a good idea"
Gary, plumber: "In my wife's face, ideally"
Barack Obama, US President elect: "The faeces of change is coming, and we as a nation have embraced its warming touch. Ask not where you would most like to shit, but where America most demands to be shat upon"
Anthony Costa, ex-Blue singer: "I always reckoned I'd like to shit myself in the Seychelles"
Gentle Ben, bear: "The woods"
WHOOOOO! I'M THE PHANTOM OF THE DEFRA
I haunt the corridors of the Department for Environmental, Food and Rural Areas, spooking anyone I deem to not be taking their job seriously enough.
PAUL DACRE: FREEDOM FIGHTER
Hello, I’m Paul Dacre, editor of the Daily Mail and newly appointed freedom fighter. A bit like Che Guevara. If he was some sort of undead jungle Nazi.
By publishing intimate details of blameless celebrities private lives I keep my newspapers circulation up, and if the circulation’s up then I can still also cover corruption, scandal and all that other boring shit that has nothing to do with how much we’d like to slip Amanda Platell the full four inches.
Here are my top three pieces of inconsequential snooping that have given me the circulation needed to investigate, tedious, non-nude political stuff and stop all society sliding into the abyss (Like abroad):
Here are my top three pieces of inconsequential snooping that have given me the circulation needed to investigate, tedious, non-nude political stuff and stop all society sliding into the abyss (Like abroad):
1. Fern Britten is too fat!
If I hadn’t printed an almost sexually obsessive number of photos of Fern Britten and her fat body I would never have had the circulation to print the story about how Gordon Brown was wasting tax payers money on sensitivity training for nig nogs.
2. Posh Spice is too thin
What the fuckety fuck is wrong with women? Jesus I hate them. If only being gay wasn’t such a black and white sin… ho hum. If we don’t put a picture of Victoria Beckham in every single paper and laugh at her legs or face or tits then I wouldn’t have the readership needed to conduct our Mail On Sunday investigation into how Gordon Brown was wasting tax payers money constructing a golden statute of a notorious homosexual Joe Orton. In a primary school. Fucking sick..
3. Look at Lorraine Kelly’s tits. Whoah!
If I didn’t semi-regularly have articles about Lorraine Kelly’s smashing bazoomahs then no one would be paying attention when we did a hard hitting story about how Gordon Brown is wasting tax payers money letting a black man live in a house without so much as a by-your-leave.
AMATEUR TENNIS PLAYER WINS ROUND ROBIN IN COMPETITION
"What the fuck am I supposed to do with that?"
FRIAR RUCK
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/middle_east/7718587.stm
(I beat The Sun to this inevitable pun)
