Posted by Posted by Dark Beige On 23:06

Wednesday, May 13th, 10.52pm

If I was a pirate, I'd sue those Somalian assholes for making the whole thing so boring. Johnny Depp must be pissed.

Anyway, I really don't have time to worry about pirates. I wish I did. Cavemen, too, I'd like to just sit and think about those dudes, but I can't because I've got shit to deal with (as ever):

1. Lisa Hames and Kirsty McBain obviously HAVE been talking about me. They were all looking over and kind of smirking in the lunch hall, and then Randy told me that Jane Larsson told Shona Black that maybe they were saying I was a real jerk or something. They said I was a blogging obsessed asshole. Those damn bitches! But the thing is, I swear chicks are starting to look at me a little different, like now I'm officially an asshole, I'm someone. Just a rebel playing by his own rules, a maverick, a joker in the pack. It must be how Vin Diesel feels whenever he enters a room. So even though I'm pissed as hell with those assholes, I can't be totally mad. I'm more Swayze than Seagal, if you know what I'm saying.

2. Jake has started seeing this Asian chick from school, Lisa Chung. Now he's never around to do ANYTHING. I mean it, he's a total lame ass all of a sudden, he doesn't even update his Facebook status or nothing. Even when Randy tried to coax him out of hiding by hacking into his FB page and changing his profile pic to one of a hairy man's ass, he didn't do nothing. It's still there! Jake is becoming a total laughing stock (by me and Randy), and he's too wrapped up in some young love bullshit to even see it. It's sad, really. I feel sorry for him.

3. I wish my sister was older. She's like, eleven, which means I can never bone any of her friends, because that would make me like, a paedophile. And straight up, I'd rather puke than go near any of them. Tina's friends are the most annoying morons in the world. They're all into That's So Raven and shit like that. But if she was like 15 or something, that shit would be ideal. I'd be cool older Eric, another joker in the pack to watch out for. I'd be boning all the time if that was the case. I'd be Napoleon BONE-aparte. But she's just some eleven year old moron, and life sucks.

4. I've got to fill out some stupid career guidance form about what I want to be when I'm older, and it all just sucks ass. How am I supposed to know? Can't I just have a job where I get to hang out with my friends and write shit on my blog?

5. I'm sick of seeing shows about people who aren't cops who solve crimes. Like House and The Mentalist and shit. It doesn't make sense. They should have a show where a cop also performs surgery on the side. Then everyone would realise what a bunch of ass the whole concept is.

But Vegas is coming! So I don't care.


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