KNIFE AND FALK?
The latest celebrity to be hit by the macabre new trend of false reports of their death being circulated on social networking sites like Twitter is Columbo actor Peter Falk, who some said was stabbed and killed by a mugger in New York. He wasn't.
BLAME IT ON THE JACKSON: MEGAN FOX SNUBS HER ROSEBOY AGAIN
This has made me all sad. This kid has NO dignity at all left. And bringing Michael Jackson into it was a low blow (not the kind the kid wanted).
DESPERATE TO BE POPULAR, BROWN GIVES PRESS CONFERENCE ON MICHAEL JACKSON
Gordon Brown has unexpectedly stepped onto the Michael Jackson bandwagon, calling an emergency press conference to tell the world: "We're all deeply shocked and saddened by the death of Michael Jackson. He was a very talented artist and icon who touched us all. Just like the credit crunch, his death has been bad.
I don't blame this recession on the sunlight or the moonlight or even the good times, I blame it on greedy bankers operating in an unregulated environment. These people would not stop until they got enough - money. They were smooth criminals.
I remember the time when the world was a more honest and innocent place, and to those times I say, I want you back. This recession is tough, but like Michael, we will beat it. We can heal the world, whether we're black or white. Or Asian".
PRESS WATCHDOG PROMISES TO CLAMP DOWN ON PAPER BOSSES PRINTING JACKO LIES
Starting with the man at the Mirror
FOXROSEGATE: BOY FOUND
The 'Foxrosegate' boy has been named as 11 year old London schoolboy, Harvey Kindlon, who will now fly to New York to meet her. When asked if he had a crush on the star, he said "I just really love celebrities. And I'm basically a big fan of Megan Fox. I like her work."
DEAR NIKKI GRAHAME
The star of Big Brother 7 answers all your queries, through the medium of her column in OK!
Dear Nikki, where do you stand on euthanasia?
I don't want to take sides because I like them both but Peter Andre seems to be winning the popularity war with Jordan. I think Jordan has slightly fallen from grace with her topless sunbathing pictures and maybe she was hasty in having Peter's belongings removed from their home. Perhaps she's trying to save face after he left her. I still think they could get back together - it may take a long time, but it's worth saving.
Dear Nikki, should I invest my money in wine or art?
T4's Steve Jones and Heroes star Hayden Panettiere are supposedly dating and they make a gorgeous couple! Sadly, I don't think it will last as none of Steve's relationships ever do and they would also have to deal with a long-distance relationship. I give it until the summer. I think he had the perfect girl in Fearne Cotton. Steve is very charming and funny, though, so I can totally see why any girl would fall at his feet.
Dear Nikki, how do we best tackle knife crime in Britain?
I love Miley Cyrus and I can't believe some people have been mean enough to call her fat online. That's a disgraceful thing to do. She really is not fat at all - Miley has a lovely curvy figure and is a great role model for young girls. She is hugely popular and has an enormous fan following. Anyone who criticises her is clearly just jealous of her success!
Dear Nikki, who are you and why are you still in the public eye?
A story was written last week saying I was a bad influence on Natalie Cassidy, because of my previous battle with Anorexia. I'd just like to say this is rubbish and Natalie herself has assured me I'm one of her best friends - so please don't believe everything you read!
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ERIC MENERHAUER - MICHAEL JACKSON AND OTHER SHIT
Friday 26th June, 2.19pm
So, Michael Jackson is dead. I can't really believe it. Not because I was a huge fan or nothing, not one of those freaks who wears one glove and looks like a future paedophile. It's just that he was actually famous. He was famous when I was born, and even way before that too. And I've been alive for what feels like way too long already. At least he never starred in some crummy VH1 show about going to rehab or picking a wife from 20 sluts or living in a condo in Palm Beach and banging chicks and being an asshole. I think Randy said it best (for once) when he called Michael Jackson 'a talented pederast'. See you later, big guy. Hopefully there's some kids up there in heaven for you to look at and hang out with and shit. Just kidding.
As for Farah Fawcett, all I can say is, I looked up your imdb page, and I had never seen or heard of anything you did, besides Charlie's Angels (the original, not the lame remake). I don't know why I addressed that last sentence directly to her, I guess maybe she could be reading this in heaven. But anyway, I find that 70s look very boneable, so rest in peace. Enjoy yourself up there, and look after Michael Jackson. Like maybe they're two nerds partnered up on their first day of heaven. Got to make sure they don't get bullied by Elvis or something. Actually, I could easily sell that lameass idea to Jack Black.
Other stuff: Holidays still cool, getting away with doing nothing all the time, mainly by pretending to go out and look for jobs, but just hanging around the park or Jake's house and doing nothing. Like, nothing at all man. I like doing nothing, just hanging out and watching TV and eating and stuff. I guess one day I'll just suddenly stop wanting to do nothing, and get some ambition and want to do something. I think that thing just happens suddenly, you know? Like beards.
But I still had to go to Office World because of mom, so I cycled over to meet this Derek Eisenhower, who I naturally assumed would be some kind of asshat. But actually, he was OK, younger than I expected and not yet a total ass, but like the window was rapidly closing and he needs to get out quick. You can see the panic in his eyes, man, like an ethnic shop owner in the deep south. He showed me the laminating area, which is where I could be working, and it's kinda cool, there's a machine where you get to laminate cards for passes and shit. If I do get a job there, I'm totally going to laminate a special pass that just says RANDY IS AN ASS BITER, and show it to him every time he acts like a jerk. If he protests, I'll just tell him to respect the authority of the card.
Paul Jones' brother Trevor says that he can get some X (the gay term everyone uses for ecstasy, which still sounds kinda faggy). Jake tried it once and said it was awesome. I've never tried it, and I'm not sure if I should. Apparently it makes chick wanna bone though, so don't count it out just yet.
"Don’t you wanna come with me? Don’t you wanna feel my bones?", Brandon Flowers of the Killers sings. No thanks, I don't, you Mormon ass. Randy always sings "Don't you wanna feel my boner?", at everyone, even my eleven year old sister Tina. Creepy. That's why I need the card.
ON THE DAY THAT MICHAEL JACKSON DIES, THE DAILY MAIL HAVE AN AMAZING RIVAL STORY
This is a genuine 100% cut and paste from today's edition. It's better than anything I could do.
Kate Silverton puts foot in it on air and tells BBC audience: 'I've size NINE feet'
There were shrieks of amazement. And then an uncomfortable silence. Probably not the reaction Kate Silverton was hoping for when she let it slip on air that she had size nine feet.
There were shrieks of amazement. And then an uncomfortable silence. Probably not the reaction Kate Silverton was hoping for when she let it slip on air that she had size nine feet.
The BBC Breakfast host, 38, made the aside during a discussion with the Nolan sisters. The petite singing trio were discussing one of their 1980s music videos when the talk turned to shoes.
Bernie Nolan, 48, first revealed she had tiny size three-and-half feet, and Coleen, 44, confessed that hers were a bigger size six – the UK average.
Miss Silverton piped in: I’m a nine, consider yourself lucky.’
‘You’re a nine?’ Coleen shrieked, while sister Linda echoed, ‘Are you a nine?’
The sisters then fell silent for a few seconds, before murmuring almost in unison: ‘Wow’.
Breakfast co-host Bill Turnbull did his best to ease his colleague’s embarrassment, explaining: ‘She’s very tall.’
And then Bernie added quickly: ‘I’m very jealous, I’m a dwarf.’
‘Not of my big feet,’ Miss Silverton replied, before changing the subject entirely.
Miss Silverton stands a taller than average 5ft 10in – so it’s not entirely surprising she has larger feet.
In the future, such sizes could become the norm. The average female foot size has been growing gradually for the best part of a century. At the beginning of the 20th Century the average was a two and by the 1940s women were strapping on a three and a half.
By the 1960s the average had risen to a four, and it climbed again to a five and a half in the 1970s – and now to a six, according to surveys carried out by Clark’s shoe manufacturers.
JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE TO DIE OF A HEART ATTACK THIS WEEKEND
After all, he's ripped off every other aspect of Michael Jackson's act.
I'M NOT DEAD!
By Jeff Goldblum
Hi, everyone! I'm pleased to report that I'm not dead! No need to call for a HOLY MAN, I'll live to celebrate another INDEPENDENCE DAY. Some people seemed to have a DEATH WISH about me, which is mean. But as my agent told me, WELCOME TO HOLLYWOOD. People always want to assume the worst, and when they heard about Farrah Fawcett and Michael Jackson, they desperately looked around for others to be ONE OF THE HOLLYWOOD TEN. But you don't want to believe that CHAIN OF FOOLS. All I can say is, THANK GOD ITS FRIDAY, as after all the stress I need the weekend to recover. I even feel like snorting some POWDER, and just enjoying THE BIG CHILL with some smoke and some Morcheeba albums. That could easily last NINE MONTHS. Yep, just lie down under a comfy duvet, a real DEEP COVER. Maybe order in some prostitutes from all over the world, everyone knows EARTH GIRLS ARE EASY.
IAN HUNTLEY TO BE REMEMBERED WITH "FLASHMURDER" AT LIVERPOOL STATION
"There'll never be another showman like him"
AND FARAH FAWCETT TOO
It can be hard when you're the far less famous half of a celebrity pair that dies on the same day, as deceased actor John Ritter observed for Dark Beige back in 2003:
FUCK YOU, JOHNNY CASH (R.I.P)
I’m on this earth for 55 years, minding my own business, never doing anything at all to harm you, never even meeting you, and this is how you repay me?You just couldn’t stand it, could you? Couldn’t stand not being the centre of attention for just one minute. You had to go and be the big shot. You just wouldn’t rest until everyone was going all "Boo hoo! The man in black is dead!"
Well let me tell you something, buddy. These people crying over you are all rednecks – toothless sisterfuckers to a man. Are these really the sort of people you want crying over you?
Either way, did it have to be now? Couldn’t you just die some other time? At least give me one week so I’m clean in the ground before you croak? Do you know how hard it is for a sitcom and TV movie actor to get the plaudits he deserves?
Even in a quiet week, we face an uphill battle to get the world waxing lyrical about how it won’t be the same now the dad from Problem Child is gone. Do you really think there are people sliding World’s Greatest Magic V into their VCR’s with tears in their eyes?
Can you imagine starring in 85 movies, and only a handful be recognisable to even the most ardent movie buff? Do you know how soul crushingly depressing it is to know that the only thing people can remember is that scene in that film where you have a light saber fight with a guy, using your glow-in-the-dark dick as a weapon?
No, you don’t have a clue. You’re a musician. It’s easy for you, you just sing a sad, shitty song and some dumb housewife will love you forever. You wouldn’t understand.But I just want you to know: I will never ever forgive you for this, redneck.
SAD GIRL - PETA
The poetic musings of a mixed up 20-something girl, lost in London
PETA
You can't swat a fly
According to PETA
You probably shouldn't
Even eat feta
DISABLED WOMAN SUING ABERCROMBIE & FITCH FOR A NEEDED ARM AND AN EXTRA LEG
Who'd have thought a store that adds bouncers, pumping music, flashing lights and a disgusting, pumped in fragrance to the shopping experience, to make it seem like you're shopping in a bad spring break nightclub, would turn out to be a bunch of arseholes?
FOXROSEGATE: PETA AND GLAAD GET INVOLVED FOR NO REASON
"We're very disappointed that the child waved the rose like a weapon, possibly hitting a fly in mid-air"
"Well, we're very sad that Megan declined the flower, one of the international symbols of homosexuality"
ERIC MENERHAUER - FATHERS GAY
Monday 22nd June, 12.20pm
My vacation is already beginning to suck a little because of mom and that total boner dad's insistence that I have to get a job. So far, so last week, except now mom's gone and stuck her stupid nose in and started looking around for jobs for me herself! That no-good do-gooder. Worse of all, she seems to actually be having some luck, and some asshole at the Office World outlet store said to "pop in" and have a chat with him.
"Pop in"? That's so gay on its own that I already want to puke, like what am I gonna do, just body pop over there and just arrive in this ass wipe's face? Strike 2 is this guy's name - Derek Eisenhower. What a loser! He sounds like he was born to sell ink cartridges for a living, which he probably was. You'd never see a bad ass with a name like Pat Malone doing a lame job like "ASSistant retail manager, Office World, Dayton Metro Area". Third and final strike is Office World itself. I actually went there once with this kid I used to know, Sam Ditton, to get his mom some supplies and shit, and I remember being kinda excited about all the different pens and books and stuff on sale, but I was only about 12 at the time, and you know how all that stuff still seems important at that age. Also, Sam Ditton's mom was hot, much hotter than Randy's mom could ever dream of being. But they moved to Buffalo, and that's another story. She's probably old and haggard now, it's been like, 4 years.
My vacation is already beginning to suck a little because of mom and that total boner dad's insistence that I have to get a job. So far, so last week, except now mom's gone and stuck her stupid nose in and started looking around for jobs for me herself! That no-good do-gooder. Worse of all, she seems to actually be having some luck, and some asshole at the Office World outlet store said to "pop in" and have a chat with him.
"Pop in"? That's so gay on its own that I already want to puke, like what am I gonna do, just body pop over there and just arrive in this ass wipe's face? Strike 2 is this guy's name - Derek Eisenhower. What a loser! He sounds like he was born to sell ink cartridges for a living, which he probably was. You'd never see a bad ass with a name like Pat Malone doing a lame job like "ASSistant retail manager, Office World, Dayton Metro Area". Third and final strike is Office World itself. I actually went there once with this kid I used to know, Sam Ditton, to get his mom some supplies and shit, and I remember being kinda excited about all the different pens and books and stuff on sale, but I was only about 12 at the time, and you know how all that stuff still seems important at that age. Also, Sam Ditton's mom was hot, much hotter than Randy's mom could ever dream of being. But they moved to Buffalo, and that's another story. She's probably old and haggard now, it's been like, 4 years.
= 
Office World blows, but that's not even why I'm pissed. It was this stupid weekend that just happened, and particularly Fathers Day. Or should I say Fathers Gay? Yes, I should. (NB I'm not saying my dad actually is gay, as he must have had sex with mom at least twice to have me and Tina, and mom's definitely a woman, despite what Randy said that time). It was the lamest day ever, even though it started off so well, with young Eric (me) full of love for his pop and all willing to spend the day with his family and shit. I even offered to mow the front lawn as way of a free present, which of course I never actually did as events transpired to make dad seem like such an epic boner that it could never be. So predictable of life.
We all had breakfast together and then dad wanted to go to the Dayton Art Institute to see some exhibition on Native American art or something, and despite that being the single worst idea since Zac Efron's dad decided not to wear a condom that night he was boning his wife, I didn't say anything. I was quiet as a mouse, and not a naughty mouse like in Tom and Jerry, a good one like in Ratatouille (rat / mouse, whatever). Enough with the mice shit, basically, I was cool, and it wasn't even that bad. Like, I've been more bored by life, believe me.
No, it was after that the total suck began, when we went to this restaurant called "Jimmy Rays" out by the interstate ramp, that dad had heard from some work colleague was really good. It was like a kind of theme diner from the 1950s (that lame period in Back to the Future), serving old fashioned burgers and shakes and stuff, which is always all good by me.
So things were looking good when we arrived, particularly when we were shown to our seats by our waitress 'Betty Boomer', which was obviously a lame made up name, and made her sound like a porn star for retards. But who cares about the name, man, when you've got the body of a porn star too, an amateur one at least.
This Betty was blonde, maybe 19, and sexy in that kind of quirky way, like they don't care what you think about boning them. It was hot. I sat down and smiled and was friendly and maybe even charming as she came and took our drinks order, and as she walked away I guess I must have looked at her leaving ass and smiled.
Big mistake. That boner dad starts grinning and being all like "ooh, I think Eric has a little crush", which sets everyone else off, and soon enough I'm getting it from all sides, and I was PISSED. So pissed that when she returned, I made a point of not looking at her at all, and not saying thank you, so mom's like "say thank you Eric", so I did, and as she's walking away Dad says "yeah, say thanks to your special new friend", which she clearly heard as she kinda flinched a little.
I was really angry, and I told everyone just to bite my ass and leave me alone (preferably at the same time), but dad would not leave it, he kept making little comments whenever she came over, until in the end I got so pissed I called him a total boner, and he said not to speak to him like that, and I said "that's it, I'm leaving", and got up to go, but slipped on mom's handbag under the table and basically fell back into my chair with an upended glass of Mountain Dew pouring into my lap.
Tina's laughing and everyone's looking and I am SO embarrassed that I just want to kill myself, so I kick mom's stupid ass bag off my foot and head for the door, but then that Betty boner chick appears with a pile of napkins and she's all trying to mop my crotch and shit!
I'm not being funny, but that shit clearly goes way beyond the call of duty for a crummily paid waitress, so even though I'm still mad as hell with that jerk dad and that bitch Tina, I start to think that maybe when this waitress heard all that shit dad was saying, she kinda liked it, and was getting turned on or something, and looking over at Dad's stupid superior face, I wanted to shut him up and show him who the new man of the house was, by boning this chick right there and then in the restaurant.
If I'd had time, I might have stopped to ponder on how creepy it would be to bone a stranger in front of your own parents, but such thoughts were a luxury I never got to afford, as all this talk of boning, and the fact I hadn't had any 'alone time' for a few days meant that next thing I knew, I had a boner, and this hot chick was rubbing it. With napkins.
Well, it was touch and go. She touched it, and she went. Crazy. I ain't kidding, she started to talk about sexual harassment and shit and said that perverts like me made her want to be sick, which was kinda weird as at that moment I literally pictured all this puke coming out of her eyes, which grossed me out on top of everything.
Anyways, I kinda smoothed the whole thing over without mom and dad knowing, but it had totally ruined my day and dad STILL kept making little comments about everything, and even had the audacity (not of hope, Obama, sorry) to say that seeing me all flustered by this waitress chick was the best Fathers Day gift he's ever had! How insensitive.
DRAWINGS BY TIMOTHY WINCHESTER
Later that night I said I was cycling over to Jake's for a while, but actually I cycled back out to that restaurant to see Betty again. I wanted to apologise, and then see if maybe she'd forgive me and we'd end up boning. That sort of shit always happens in teen movies. When I got there I saw her out the back, sitting on a ledge and having a break, and I really wanted to go over and talk to her. But I don't know, somehow the moment had just gone, man. So I cycled away and never saw her again (it's only been 16 hours, to be fair).