Monday 22nd June, 12.20pm
My vacation is already beginning to suck a little because of mom and that total boner dad's insistence that I have to get a job. So far, so last week, except now mom's gone and stuck her stupid nose in and started looking around for jobs for me herself! That no-good do-gooder. Worse of all, she seems to actually be having some luck, and some asshole at the Office World outlet store said to "pop in" and have a chat with him.
"Pop in"? That's so gay on its own that I already want to puke, like what am I gonna do, just body pop over there and just arrive in this ass wipe's face? Strike 2 is this guy's name - Derek Eisenhower. What a loser! He sounds like he was born to sell ink cartridges for a living, which he probably was. You'd never see a bad ass with a name like Pat Malone doing a lame job like "ASSistant retail manager, Office World, Dayton Metro Area". Third and final strike is Office World itself. I actually went there once with this kid I used to know, Sam Ditton, to get his mom some supplies and shit, and I remember being kinda excited about all the different pens and books and stuff on sale, but I was only about 12 at the time, and you know how all that stuff still seems important at that age. Also, Sam Ditton's mom was hot, much hotter than Randy's mom could ever dream of being. But they moved to Buffalo, and that's another story. She's probably old and haggard now, it's been like, 4 years.
My vacation is already beginning to suck a little because of mom and that total boner dad's insistence that I have to get a job. So far, so last week, except now mom's gone and stuck her stupid nose in and started looking around for jobs for me herself! That no-good do-gooder. Worse of all, she seems to actually be having some luck, and some asshole at the Office World outlet store said to "pop in" and have a chat with him.
"Pop in"? That's so gay on its own that I already want to puke, like what am I gonna do, just body pop over there and just arrive in this ass wipe's face? Strike 2 is this guy's name - Derek Eisenhower. What a loser! He sounds like he was born to sell ink cartridges for a living, which he probably was. You'd never see a bad ass with a name like Pat Malone doing a lame job like "ASSistant retail manager, Office World, Dayton Metro Area". Third and final strike is Office World itself. I actually went there once with this kid I used to know, Sam Ditton, to get his mom some supplies and shit, and I remember being kinda excited about all the different pens and books and stuff on sale, but I was only about 12 at the time, and you know how all that stuff still seems important at that age. Also, Sam Ditton's mom was hot, much hotter than Randy's mom could ever dream of being. But they moved to Buffalo, and that's another story. She's probably old and haggard now, it's been like, 4 years.
= 
Office World blows, but that's not even why I'm pissed. It was this stupid weekend that just happened, and particularly Fathers Day. Or should I say Fathers Gay? Yes, I should. (NB I'm not saying my dad actually is gay, as he must have had sex with mom at least twice to have me and Tina, and mom's definitely a woman, despite what Randy said that time). It was the lamest day ever, even though it started off so well, with young Eric (me) full of love for his pop and all willing to spend the day with his family and shit. I even offered to mow the front lawn as way of a free present, which of course I never actually did as events transpired to make dad seem like such an epic boner that it could never be. So predictable of life.
We all had breakfast together and then dad wanted to go to the Dayton Art Institute to see some exhibition on Native American art or something, and despite that being the single worst idea since Zac Efron's dad decided not to wear a condom that night he was boning his wife, I didn't say anything. I was quiet as a mouse, and not a naughty mouse like in Tom and Jerry, a good one like in Ratatouille (rat / mouse, whatever). Enough with the mice shit, basically, I was cool, and it wasn't even that bad. Like, I've been more bored by life, believe me.
No, it was after that the total suck began, when we went to this restaurant called "Jimmy Rays" out by the interstate ramp, that dad had heard from some work colleague was really good. It was like a kind of theme diner from the 1950s (that lame period in Back to the Future), serving old fashioned burgers and shakes and stuff, which is always all good by me.
So things were looking good when we arrived, particularly when we were shown to our seats by our waitress 'Betty Boomer', which was obviously a lame made up name, and made her sound like a porn star for retards. But who cares about the name, man, when you've got the body of a porn star too, an amateur one at least.
This Betty was blonde, maybe 19, and sexy in that kind of quirky way, like they don't care what you think about boning them. It was hot. I sat down and smiled and was friendly and maybe even charming as she came and took our drinks order, and as she walked away I guess I must have looked at her leaving ass and smiled.
Big mistake. That boner dad starts grinning and being all like "ooh, I think Eric has a little crush", which sets everyone else off, and soon enough I'm getting it from all sides, and I was PISSED. So pissed that when she returned, I made a point of not looking at her at all, and not saying thank you, so mom's like "say thank you Eric", so I did, and as she's walking away Dad says "yeah, say thanks to your special new friend", which she clearly heard as she kinda flinched a little.
I was really angry, and I told everyone just to bite my ass and leave me alone (preferably at the same time), but dad would not leave it, he kept making little comments whenever she came over, until in the end I got so pissed I called him a total boner, and he said not to speak to him like that, and I said "that's it, I'm leaving", and got up to go, but slipped on mom's handbag under the table and basically fell back into my chair with an upended glass of Mountain Dew pouring into my lap.
Tina's laughing and everyone's looking and I am SO embarrassed that I just want to kill myself, so I kick mom's stupid ass bag off my foot and head for the door, but then that Betty boner chick appears with a pile of napkins and she's all trying to mop my crotch and shit!
I'm not being funny, but that shit clearly goes way beyond the call of duty for a crummily paid waitress, so even though I'm still mad as hell with that jerk dad and that bitch Tina, I start to think that maybe when this waitress heard all that shit dad was saying, she kinda liked it, and was getting turned on or something, and looking over at Dad's stupid superior face, I wanted to shut him up and show him who the new man of the house was, by boning this chick right there and then in the restaurant.
If I'd had time, I might have stopped to ponder on how creepy it would be to bone a stranger in front of your own parents, but such thoughts were a luxury I never got to afford, as all this talk of boning, and the fact I hadn't had any 'alone time' for a few days meant that next thing I knew, I had a boner, and this hot chick was rubbing it. With napkins.
Well, it was touch and go. She touched it, and she went. Crazy. I ain't kidding, she started to talk about sexual harassment and shit and said that perverts like me made her want to be sick, which was kinda weird as at that moment I literally pictured all this puke coming out of her eyes, which grossed me out on top of everything.
Anyways, I kinda smoothed the whole thing over without mom and dad knowing, but it had totally ruined my day and dad STILL kept making little comments about everything, and even had the audacity (not of hope, Obama, sorry) to say that seeing me all flustered by this waitress chick was the best Fathers Day gift he's ever had! How insensitive.
DRAWINGS BY TIMOTHY WINCHESTER
Later that night I said I was cycling over to Jake's for a while, but actually I cycled back out to that restaurant to see Betty again. I wanted to apologise, and then see if maybe she'd forgive me and we'd end up boning. That sort of shit always happens in teen movies. When I got there I saw her out the back, sitting on a ledge and having a break, and I really wanted to go over and talk to her. But I don't know, somehow the moment had just gone, man. So I cycled away and never saw her again (it's only been 16 hours, to be fair).
TWEET THIS!
1 Comment
what a ho
Posted on 3 July 2009 at 00:27
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